my step kids and their mum are eating disordered. Anyone else?
Far out! This is a vent but also I need some ideas to force my partner to firstly, acknowledge that his kids have eating disorders and secondly, to make a plan to deal with it.
I know most families have some issue with their kids not wanting to eat BUT this is far beyond that.
My 15yr old SD is a size 10. She stashes chocolate in her room oand refuses to eat whole portions saying she full. She was very picky as a child and was encouraged by her.mum not to eat vegetables because her mum hates vegetables and hates cooking. When my SD is stressed she cuts and binges and purges. She I thinks she is.hideously fat and that's why everyone hates her, but I suspect she behaves like hee mother did with her friends which was to point out their faults at the last minute and be generally mean. So anyway, mystep daughter is actually capable of being very sweet and loving and is totally stunning and very beautiful BUT eats like a bulimic and says openly that she is overweight and disgusting. Her mother agrees.and has said she is disgusting IN FRONT OF ME. SD15 knows she has a problem and that its messed up, she knows she has a choice in this, but has a lot of pressure to be thin from her mother and now her brother has taken that role.on when they are here and talks about being fat and grabs her.my and calls herchsubchub".
My SS is 10 and has to wear 2 sizes down for what is normal for his age. He is skeletal and gets cold often even.in the middle.of summer. He believes he "cant eat most foods but he used to eat everything I fed him when he was little. But then his mother started to cook him an entirely different meal and if he didn't eat it he'd just have snacks later. He is always served smaller portions and only eats about a third to a half of it. He refuses food even when he is in agony from hunger with stomach aches and constipation, saying he can't eat cause his.tummy is sore. He has started to talk about his fear of being fat and say that he can't eat something or he might.get fat. He seems to be quite psychologically disordered in regard to food. He also doesn't eat at friends houses or when out and if he does he will eat a.few bites and then swear he is.full. My partners family and my family and all the mothers of his friends ask.if he is sick or unwell and constantly put pressure on.me.to help him. I sometimes force him to eat by screaming and cursing and being ott but only ever after like 2 days of him refusing.anything but water and a few bites of bread.
The two of these kids.have just started a game with.my 3 yr old(their.half sister) that goes like this... B what's your name? B: My.name.is Chubb Chubb!! . Kids all laugh hilariously. Then.the older ones encourage.her to do it again. Last time they.did it I asked them what ot meant and they told me that ChubbChubb meant Chubby and that B is so chubby so they gave her that name. B is 2yrs old and slim.
I told my partner about this and he agreed it was unacceptable so when I put the 2yr old down for her nap I said to him and 10yr old that I wanted them to talk about it and to explain why it is not OK AT ALL for anyone.to call anyone fat, cause no one in this house is. AND why boys should never call girls fat cause it causes lots of mental and emotional pain. I left my partner to it. When I got up I asked.him.how it had gaone ans he said he would do it later, another time, another day. I went ballistic.
I am thinking I will have to vote with feet. To make him air here is a problem and force him to make a plan to help these kids.
I need other ideas and your thoughts. Thankyou
This is a very sad situation,
This is a very sad situation, and if your SKIDs live most of the time with their BM, I don't see much hope for them getting appropriate and effective help for what is a life threatening disorder. In the face of their mother's attitude it is going to be very hard, if not impossible, to help them, even if you can convince your DH that it is a serious problem.
But you can protect your own 3 year old from their dysfunctional relationship with food, which you have already begun to do. Ban all talk of body size in your house, do a sweep of SD's room when she leaves your house, and throw out any hidden food, including chocolate.
Sorry not to be more positive, but your partners children and ex-wife sound rigidly stuck in their mindset and determined not to see anything wrong with it. If the 15 year old was even admitting she had a problem, you might be able to encourage her to get help, maybe during the time she is with you, but it does not sound as though she wants help. Most bulimics operate in serious denial of their issues.
How very said for these
How very said for these children. I can share your frustration. BM in my case is also obsessed with working out, so much so that she leaves the kids alone to go to the gym and only eats "clean foods". She is overly fixated on calories, not having eaten a carb in seven years. Red flags have started going off all over the place when my skids want to know how many calories is in everything before they will eat it. My SD is 14, actually tiny for her age and may have a growth hormone problem but BM refused to allow her to see a specialist. Now she is eating less than a bird would eat and immediately has to go "workout" in the yard or her room to burn off the calories she just ate. Both skids constantly talk about being fat and they are both tiny and small for their ages. My BF ignores it when I try to point out my worries for them so I am learning that there is nothing I can do. It does not stop me worrying but he is their father and I have no say or control in this situation. SD 14 is starting to get that "lollipop" head that anorexics at times get, when the head appears out of size for their tiny skeletal frames. I keep hoping that a teacher at her school will contact her Dad because he is definitely in denial. The more I mention it the more he looks at me like I am crazy. So now I keep my mouth shut and try my best to show them a healthy eating pattern, thats all we can do really. My own kids are thin naturally but love their food and just burn it off with metabolism.
Thanks guys x I've moved out
Thanks guys x I've moved out now with my daughter. So hard but it had to happen. His kids have been to see a doctor who assesed.them, heard the background and told us that moving to different houses was probably the only way to.protect the 2yr old while.the rehabilitation process goes on. She has referred. Them to a psychiatrist who specialises in eating disorders. Thank God x It feels so weird to be living apart from kids I've been living with.and raising for the last 6 yrs but I also feel hugely relieved that the kids are getting the help.they need! And suddenly the anxiety i always feel is just totally gone I didn't realise how much time I.spent being worried about them! DP is doing all this.organising and actually talking to them about it and things are looking up.
I understand your concerns.
I understand your concerns. My skids have eating issues as well. Their BM has extremely weird notions about nutrition and falls for every "fad" there is - like right now she's all about organic everything. That would be fine if she understood what that meant. She' believes that if the package is labeled "organic" then it's very healthy and you can eat as much as you want. Both my skids talk about how organic is best - I put an apple in their backpack for snack and they are like," my mom gives us healthy snacks like ORGANIC fruit gummies." Ugh
Anyway, they are both overweight especially my SS12. He gorges, stuffs his face at every meal wanting seconds, thirds, as much as he can get. My SD7 is extremely picking and barely eats (complains about everything we serve asking/whining if it's the "same kind she likes"). We don't let her skip and then snack later but her mother does. So half the time they are eating at their moms. My husband and I have healthy meals/snacks and believe in everything in moderation. We are both normal weight while the kids and their mother are very overweight - obese in fact. And neither are at all interested in physical activities.
Anyway, we also have 2 biokids and do everything we can to ensure they are active, limit screen time, and feed them a variety of food. My skids will say "ew" about things they are eating (like avocado for example or cottage cheese, etc.) My skids also like to say they are "chubby" when actually they are a completely normal weight. They are toddlers so their is a tiny bit of baby left in them but their height and weigh percentiles are tall and pretty lean for their age.
I have learned to keep our biokids busy with other things while the skids are here. I try to limit their interactions as much as possible. That is difficult at mealtime but I try to keep meals together to only dinner time. My skids have other unpleasant habits - they can be very rude and are very delayed socially - almost ALWAYS embarrassing me in public. I have two older children that are well-mannered and get along socially with everyone and they are decent eaters (my daughter can be picky but she doesn't make a big deal out of it).
Also, I am a stay at home mother and it would seem that it would be better if I were to have more time with the skids. I think originally I thought that would be the case. After getting to know the children, I have disengaged as much as possible. Thankfully my husband understands and when his kids are here, he's responsible for them (although I take care of the house and food preparation) and I take care of our own. It's not exactly ideal but it works for us. We have a wonderful relationship and do what we have to. I have been oompletely honest with my DH about my feelings about his kids. I was losing my mind over these issues and he saw me struggling to keep it together. We're doing this for now until he can hopefully get a handle on their behaviors. We do not expect perfection by any means - just healthy relationships with food, media and people!!
By the way, it's still extremely hard for me. I'm just thankful I was able to be open with my DH. As soon as my skids come to our home, I am counting down the days, hours, minutes until they are back at their mom's. I have excepted this as the way it will be probably until they are grown and out of the house.
I hope everything works out!
****I'm sorry, I just read your latest post that you moved out. Wow, I'm sorry but I guess it makes sense that it's best. How is your husband about it all? I'm too am glad they are getting the help they need. Keep us posted as to how things are progressing.