Wow. Judgemental much CheriWilson?

Up until now he has travelled between both cities for work. He usually spends half the week with me and half in the same city as the kids. When I say he moved, he shifted his base city from theirs to mine but he still sees the kids plenty, regularly takes them to their weekly sports and activites etc.

Also, he didnt leave her for me. They split about 2 years before he and I even met.

I thought this was a supportive forum where we were allowed to be honest. Apparently not.

I dont resent the kids, I resent their mother.

I know 3 years is a long time. In the beginning I was very wary of rushing things, of giving all parties invovled time to adjust - but in doing that I'm aware we've let too much time lapse.

The BM suffers from depression. On a day to day basis she's usually fine and she's generally savvy enough to know when she's on a downhill slide and she'll see her Dr for medication. However periodically she just goes nuts. She's been known to ring my partners family and say very nasty things about him. She trashes anything we give the kids if she knows I've had any involvement.

I suppose I naively thought that if we gave her time to get used to the idea that my partner and I were together, then told the kids, gave them time to get used to the idea before coming to meet me, it might make it easier. But every time my name is mentioned, she goes off. She still goes on tirades about how she doesnt believe in divorce even though it all happened years ago now.

Its at the point now where we've basically stopped trying to accommodate her feelings. Its been years and there's been no progress so now we're trying to move forward with your lives - which includes me meetng his kids and bringing them to stay with us.

I'm asking how others coped because, after so long, I guess I've tended to associate the kids with their BM and therefore as a negative experience. I know I need to change that attitude.

Just realised what I wrote might be misunderstood.

She has had bouts of depression in the past. She's been fine for a few years now. But part of our reason for doing everything so slowly was a fear that if she was too stressed out, it would trigger another bout of depression.

Her period bouts of going crazy seem to be fuelled by anger and resentment, nothing more.

I think the original idea to go slow was mine. In the early days of our relationship I thought very seriously about whether I could cope. I didnt want to meet the kids a few times then flit out of their lives again.

Its true that my partner is not good at dealing with conflict. He prefers to bury his head the sand and ignore it - but he is slowly getting better. Its been a source of some tension in our relationship.

The funny thing is that when he finally acts, its usually fine. Like when he first told the kids he was dating, they were fine with it. I think my OH thought it was a bigger deal than the kids did.

I havent been very good with boundaries in the past but its good advice. I'll have to try harder.

I've seen the paperwork and they are definitely divorced - but I understand why you suggested that.

I've also met his most of his family, including his parents, siblings, aunts and uncles etc. They're all very very welcoming. There's no elephant in the room, they will openly talk about his ex, ask how its all going etc. We also regularly spend time with his friends and even his work colleagues.

So its not like we have some hidden relationship.

I know I need to get used to having his kids around. I expect it will be about 3 weeks a year. Living in different citiies rules out EOW.

AtMyWitsEndNy - thats good advice re just tolerating it. I think thats easier to aim for!!