I'm tired of being invisible
I just joined this site today and when coming up with a screen name, I chose weekend widow. I feel like every other weekend I become a widow when my SS17 deigns us with his presence. I can't stand this kid. Not because he's the typical obnoxious, lazy, entitled teenage boy. But, because I become a widow when he's here. I am completely invisible to my DH when his BS is here.
My SS17 treats my DH like a wallet and complains that he feels disrespected when his dad threatens to discipline him for abysmal grades or smoking weed. He plays games with my DH and says he'll come over to visit, keeps changing the time he will show up and then doesn't show up at all...stringing my DH along the whole time. He's emotionally abusing y DH.
We have a urine drug test that's been sitting in our room for nearly 2 months now that my DH won't administer because he feels he walking on eggshells with this kid. He's afraid that his son will walk out of his life if he's the parent. I say you have to be the parent and NOT the pal. He needs guidance and rules and boundaries which he doesn't get with his BM. My SS17 only gets these things occasionally when he decides to be with us.
When my SS17 is with us, the whole world revolves around him. What does he want to do, what does he want to eat, what does he want to watch on TV? Why should he have to help with chores since he doesn't live here? We didn't take a "family" vacation last year because SS17 didn't want to go where me and my kids wanted to go. DH didn't want to go with out the prince, so we didn't go anywhere.
We did go on some vacations before and it was all about SS17. SO truthfully, I was relieved we didn't actually go anywhere and have it ruined by this dynamic.
My DH is parenting out of guilt. He wants to be a friend and not a dad because he has so little time with this kid. Even thought his son treats him like $**t, he dotes on him like he's royalty and it sickens me to my core. When I ask him about his preferential treatment, he thinks I'm crazy. Even my kids see it and have brought it up to my DH and he thinks their crazy too.
SO, lately my kids and I retreat when SS17 is here, do our own thing and know that it's only 4 days out of the month and we'll be back to "normal" when he leaves.
What other choice do we have?
Thanks for your insight.
Thanks for your insight. Your's is a welcome reminder that I am teaching my own kids. I have decided, quite recently, to let DH deal with his bios. That alone has been so freeing! The only time we argue is when it has to do with my upset with his kids and how I am treated by them. Knowing that this is the norm rather than the exception is sadly comforting.
I think you have made your
I think you have made your choice; you are doing what we all call disengaging. How long has this been going on?
Disengaging is my life when
Disengaging is my life when it comes to my skids. This has been going on 3 years and I'm finally realizing MY role in my own upset. Since I can only change myself, I choose to disengage. I am JUST the step mom and a weekend widow. It is what it is. Next...
Invisible is a feeling I have
Invisible is a feeling I have with some frequency. Sometimes a SK will ask DH something about me when I'm right there, as if I'm not there. And we mostly have a decent relationship! I think the advice you have received is pretty good. Keep trying to set a good example with your children, try to sensitively talk to DH, and move forward. Disengagement is a strategy I often employ to save my feelings/keep my sanity also!
I get this feeling every
I get this feeling every evening when I come home. DW starts a conversation with me, and suddenly SS dive bombs into the conversation and next thing you know, mother and son are having a detailed intimate discussion. Fortunately, I have a twisted sense of humor and start wondering if I should use my powers of invisibility for good or for evil.
Mind you, all this is balanced out by my bios. I swear, 5 minutes can't go by without them asking me for juice, that movie with the talking snowman (Frozen), or Google house me for some toy they lost.
I COMPLETELY agree with you.
I COMPLETELY agree with you. I've told my DH many times he's not preparing his son to be a responsible, respectful, reliable adult. How is he going to handle the "real world" without someone to hold him accountable now? He doesn't have to like his dad, he needs to respect his dad...they can be buddies later in life. Right now, this kid needs boundaries and someone to draw line in the sand. Up until a few weeks ago, I thought I should do it. I never did, though. Now I know it's not my job or my problem. I feel sorry for my SS in a way...but, I'll get over it.
Don't even mention his name
Don't even mention his name to Dh or waste time telling him what he is doing wrong. He will only defend his actions as well as his SS's. He just has to figure this out on his own. It is hard to explain, but he has to stop being defensive to see what a monster he is creating. I finally stopped saying anything about how my DH should parent my SD. When he came to me after I disengaged I had to tell him that I just don't know what to tell him. When it went on I finally told him that disengaging means his relationship with SD is his buisness and not mine and that I don't want to hear about it. I talked until I was blue in the face warning him how things would end up if he didn't change his parenting for years and now they are exactly as I told them they would be.
Yes, Patsy. You are 100%
Yes, Patsy. You are 100% correct. The ONLY time we argue has been regarding my skids...his "do no wrongs". They do plenty of wrongs and I'm done trying to right them, They will all figure it out or not and it's none of my business. They've been telling me that for years and now I finally agree!
Oh I think it took my DH
Oh I think it took my DH about a week to tell me how much he can't stand the monster he created!
I hope my DH gets the picture
I hope my DH gets the picture soon. Both of his kids are monsters and no one in my entire family (my kids, my parents etc.) have warm fuzzy feelings for either of them. So I know it's not just me. It hurts me to see him fall victim to their shenanigans and believe that this time it will be different. It's never different. I learned early on they only want daddy's money, not daddy. SMELL THE COFFEE DH!!
4 days a month!! To me
4 days a month!! To me that's like a fantasy....we have arrogant spoiled entitled SS17 ALL THE TIME. He goes on about respecting him and all that BS too. Do they teach this entitled crap at school or something? They all know their 'rights' and that you don't have any.