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Finally able to talk about Christmas

weekendwidow's picture

Christmas was not good. DH and I fought a lot over whether or not his kids could come over. I said NO WAY. I stood my ground. He didn't understand and accused me of forcing him to choose between me and them. I reminded him that I want HIM to have a relationship with them if that's what he wants, but I shouldn't have to be part of that relationship. He really needs to get over the friggin Brady Bunch Bullshit!

I actually said to him, "If you don't give up the idea of a perfect blended family, you will lose me forever. Do you understand what I am saying? STOP pushing your kids on me."

It took some time and it seems to have sunk in. So on Dec 26 his kids were coming over to meet DH and they were going to travel together to visit with DH's 96 year old grandmother. After the visit with gmom, they were going to lunch and exchange gifts. Perfect. When they arrived to meet DH, his brats sat in the car and texted him "We're here and we've been waiting." They didn't even have the respect to come to the door? UGH

So after SD posted pictures on Facebook of Great grandmom with her and her brother w/ no mention of DH (they omit him from everything they possibly can - publicly, mind you) they went and had lunch. A bag of cookies and a card that read "merry christmas to my dad" from SD and a visa gift card from SS was what DH received. No thought went into his gifts Who cares how much $$ was spent, it's the thought and there was none. Store bought cookies and a gift card from the gas station does not equal thought. Let's not forget the deliberate snubbing of me. I bought each gift for skids and SD's pig of a husband. We deliberately made sure the husband was remembered and that all packages handed out were from BOTH of us. DH didn't point out the snubbing or that time and effort was spent on each gift for each of them...including the pig hubby of SD. He said nothing of their insolent behavior because he just wanted to have a nice lunch.

He got an earful when he got home...actually he got the silent treatment. I was speechless and that's when I said he needs to put our marriage ahead of his ungrateful, spiteful, selfish children and then I left for an hour or so.

Fast forward to yesterday. He reached out again to his kids. This time, not to beg for a get together, but to tell them that he's hurt by their actions. That I am the woman that he chose to marry and by ignoring me, they are hurting him. Because of their behavior family get togethers are an impossibility. There was more but that's the gist of it.

Their responses? Um...we don't care. You have your new family we have our own family, so none of this matters. SO what's the problem?

My husband is floored. I'm hoping that THIS time he actually believes they don't want anything to do with us. How much clearer does he need it to be? He's like a puppy begging for a scrap. It's really so sad and I despise those two "people" so much for hurting my DH. He really doesn't deserve this treatment. It's getting harder and harder to watch this and I'm starting to lose respect for him.

They are both graduating in a few months - one from high school, the other from college. I imagine we'll hear from them closer to then for a gift. But until then, I'll be enjoying the radio silence. If only DH can snap out of his funk. I know rejection is hard. He got jilted; dumped by his own blood. It must suck. He's forgetting all of the positive things and people in the meantime, though. C'mon DH focus!

Anyone else, watched their spouse become estranged from their kids? Words of wisdom are most welcome

Sports Fan's picture

DH is at the beginning of this I feel. SS14 and SD11 are PAS'd. They don't talk to DH and don't want anything to do with him unless it involves money. When they visit, they stay in their rooms and only come out for meals. They don't do stuff with DH unless he forces them to. DH is only starting to see it but the light is starting to go on. BM has taught skids that DH is merely an ATM machine, nothing more. It is very hard to see him hurt. I don't say anything about what they do anymore. I suggested he read a couple books on the issue and he did. After words he started to see what was going on. It took it coming from a different source for him to believe it. All you can do is be supportive and help him to deal with it.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

^^this^^

zerostepdrama's picture

Agree. I am confused. You dont want DH to push them on you. You dont want them over for the holidays. Yet you help to pick out gifts for them and put your name on the gift. You are confused by the fact that they didnt give you a gift. You give your DH the silent treatment when he gets home because he didnt do what you wanted him to do when it came to his kids, even though you dont want him to push them on you? Then your husband has to call his kids and tell them to accept you?

I feel like I am missing something here?

weekendwidow's picture

No I don't have a relationship with them and I do NOT want one either. Not the way they have treated me. I picked out the gifts, but they're not from me. My DH insisted on putting my name on them and I didn't want to because of ALL OF THIS. He so desperately wants things to be different. I really wish they were. But they're not.

I'm not as disengaged as I thought I was. It's so hard because DH takes it so personally. UGH!!

zerostepdrama's picture

Something else to add, regarding the gifts that they picked out. Given the ages of the skids, it sounds like a decent gift. A card, cookies and a gift card. What would you have liked for them to get him?

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I also feel like something is missing. Was the DH pleased with the gifts?? They got him something. Old adage is "It's the thought that counts".

Calypso1977's picture

seirously? One is a near HS grad, the other a near college grad. that makes them 17-18 and 21-22. i gave nicer, more thoughtful gifts to my parents when i was much younger than this.

zerostepdrama's picture

Some kids are more thoughtful then others when it comes to gift giving. It doesnt make them a good or bad person.

My Mom gave me socks for Christmas and my SM gave me a diamond bracelet. Doesn't mean my mom is thoughtless and my SM is the most wonderful person because she got a wonderful gift.

weekendwidow's picture

The cookies came from his 22 year old daughter and the gift card from his 18 year old son. The thing that bugged me was the lack of forethought. Store bought cookies? A gift card without even the "to" and "from" filled out? Good ole BM got a whole crap load of goodies and boasted about it on the dreaded facebook. DH feels slighted and I understand why.

weekendwidow's picture

He didn't bitch to his kids about his gifts. It wasn't the gift if was the lack of thought. HE shared with me how hurt he was at their lack of effort for him and the tremendous effort they put forth for their mom. It seems he needs to expect nothing and be surprised if he gets anything at all.

weekendwidow's picture

Thanks for your insight. It's very helpful.

When his oldest graduated HS, she banned him from the ceremony and trashed him on Fbook...a trend of hers. The reason is because she broke some rules and said Eff you Dad when he reprimanded her for it. Now she holds over his head that "you never even came to my graduation"

Kid #2 doesn't come over anymore because DH took away his vehicle. He never paid the insurance and he was caught with weed in it. He doesnt want daddy at his graduation either.

weekendwidow's picture

Ok - here's my best effort to explain. I definitely did purchase gifts for the skids. I was feeling the Christmas spirit, I know I shouldn't have and that was mistake #1. I am struggling with total disengagement, I guess because I wish so much it didn't have to be like this. I do remember asking ALL of you to kick me in the ass if I slipped and got all Christian like and loving at Christmas...so here we are. Let the kicking begin.

I totally expected NOTHING for Christmas. What hurt me was the EXTRA effort they took to deliberately exclude me with the Merry Christmas to my Dad card, for example. Expecting nothing and getting just that is still hurtful. Being rejected still hurts even if you expect it. It's just not a surprise.

I'm upset that my DH is treated like shit, yet he still thinks there is hope that the skids will come around and accept me. No one said to them, accept WW or else. He said, since you can't accept her, here's how it's going to be. He's never stood up to them before. I'm proud of him for that.

I don't care so much what he got as a gift, it's the fact that NO thought went into him and he is hurt by that. I'm upset that they hurt him yet again. (See my previous post in this thread about the gift - maybe that will make more sense) Make more sense?

weekendwidow's picture

I was upset with DH because he keeps trying to force me into a relationship with his kids. He keeps asking me to make compromises and allow them over and "let's shop for their gifts together so they see we are a united front". I want to disengage, I've done ok - up until now - and DH keeps trying to pull me back in.

When he gets hurt by them - he mopes around the house for a minimum of 3 days and completely shuts me out. It DOES affect me when they hurt him because my relationship with my husband is non-existent.

Anna21's picture

So sorry for your pain. It does hurt. My FDH gets hurt all the time by his kids and it's so obvious they only see him as an ATM. It's kind of pathetic really. But I have learned not to give any advice at all, otherwise I come out as the bad guy. Now I nod my head, say some kind of consoling words...and then get very busy with my friends until he comes out of the blues. I used to mope with him and realized how impacted I was so instead I leave him to mope because each time he goes back for more! It is hard to live a man with this going on but ultimately he is the only one who can make any changes (and does not) why should we suffer too?

weekendwidow's picture

Agreed. I need to let him stew in his own juices. I don't need that drama, too. It's a shame, because I'd really rather go through life with him.

zerostepdrama's picture

How do you know, no thought went into the gift? Hey for all you know, that could be their best effort.

Even though the skids treat DH like shit he will never see it the same as you, because those are his kids.

They exclude you, because you exclude them. You dont want them at the house for Christmas. They dont want to buy you a gift.

weekendwidow's picture

They told me to go fuck myself when their dad took back my SS's driving privileges for driving while high. That is why SS doesn't come over any more. SD never really came over and has told me to my face her dad should've never married me and she's not interested in getting to know me. It was the 2nd time she met me.

These are not people I want in my house. When they have been over. they treated me like shit every time. I bit my tongue to keep peace, but no more. THey can spend time with daddy warbucks, but not in MY home.

zerostepdrama's picture

Well with their behavior you shouldnt be surprised or hurt that they didnt buy you a gift.

Anna21's picture

A friend of mine helped me with this slogan..."if you go to the hardware store expecting to buy bread, you will be very disappointed ". I have given up expecting anything from skids so there is no disappointment. Stop trying to buy bread from the hardware store! Hope this helps...it took a simple slogan for me to see the madness

Evil stepmonster's picture

I have a feeling my DH will be treated this way. Something I'm not looking forward to.
I hope your DH can snap out of it soon and realize how many people do love him. And that it's not his fault who kids turned out to be. Good luck for this year and yalls happiness together.

weekendwidow's picture

Thank you. It's so hard when the people that treat him (all of us, really) like shit get most of his attention. The people that treat him right (me, my kids, my parents) we all get the mopey guy who only thinks about how much his kids treat him like shit.

He needs to focus on the positive and hope that things will turn around, but if they don't, get on with life regardless.

Calypso1977's picture

i definitely see this with my SD14.

this year's gift to him was really a gift to her self. it was a GC to a restaurant we NEVER eat at. But its one of her faves. they have yet to go.

Jsmom's picture

My DH is cut off from SD18 by her doing. He is fine, makes him sad, but there is no effort anymore. She surfaces when she will need something, but he is no longer reaching out. Great for me, she doesn't come up much anymore.

weekendwidow's picture

You misunderstand, I think. HE can and should have a relationship with his kids. They told him before they ever met me they they want nothing to do with me. HE forced them on me and me on them. I accepted that they don't want me. They've accepted that I don't want them. DH hasn't accepted either case.

That's what my post is about. I don't give a flying rats ass about what they gave me or didn't give me. They keep hurting my husband and he keeps going back for more. That's what has my knickers in a twist.

I have been extremely welcoming and they just said fuck you. OK. I get it. DH isn't getting it. I never EVER put DH in a position to choose me OR the skids. I said to him to stop forcing them on me and me on them. Please have a relationship with them without me being involved. That's a very big difference.

I would NEVER give that kind of ultimatum and I didn't.

weekendwidow's picture

I hear Ya! I have blocked SS, SD and BM. For the life of me, I don't understand why he keeps tabs on his skids. It's like he's picking at a scab.

I wish I could ignore him going back for more. He just mopes for 3+ days every time he chases them and gets smacked. So now there's a mopey husband around. UGH.

I would do much better at disengaging if he could, too. You know? I don't care about Fbook, so why does he need to show me a picture or read an update? When I get up to leave or tell him I don't want to hear about it, he gets all pissy and offended.

weekendwidow's picture

Haven't tried that approach yet. I will give it a go. It makes sense. I've told him before that I hate not having him around when he's mopey but haven't ever let him sit and stew in it by himself before. I'll be doing this from now on. Time to get some old hobbies back on track...

Ninji's picture

If I couldn't visit my father at his home on Christmas because my SM and I didn't get along, there is no way in hell that I would be getting that woman a gift. Also, why would they come to your door? They know they are not wanted. I'm surpised you would want them to come to the door.

Also, One kid in HS the other in College. What kind of gifts were you expecting your DH to get?

I agree with other posters that asked why are you following them on FB.

I guess I'm not getting it.

weekendwidow's picture

I'm not following them on Fbook. DH is and pointed out to me that he was snubbed. I blocked them last year when I first attempted to disengage.

weekendwidow's picture

Thank you skeeter. Your words both comfort and scare me. 55 and 30 years old? OMG. I guess, on some level, I do secretly wish that DH would walk away from them. I would never tell him that though. I know it's selfish and I do actually feel a little jealous when he chooses the very people that make him miserable over me - the one who picks up the pieces every single time. I need to get over that. They are his blood after all.

I will adopt your mantra "I can't have it both ways." You're absolutely right, I can't.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Weekend ~

I have totally disengaged but it's a totally mutual disengagement with myself & SD.

I could CARELESS ~ when someone treats me like something nasty on the bottom of their foot ~ believe it.

My SD doesn't have to like me at all ~ but I feel like I shoukd b respected. I think the word " respect" is completely misunderstood. She could be civil to me ~ she doesn't have to engage with a one on one conversation.

She has done horrible things to myself & my family ~ but I do not hold my DF responsible for her action. She is an adult & she act like one instead of a wild animal. I think my DF is mortified of her behavior ~ it is not a judgement on him. I hold her BM responsible. She doesn't know how to act like a lady.

My DF is heartbroken of his lack of relationship w his daughter. It takes two people to have a relationship not 3. That's all his daughter & his responsibility to have the relationship he/she wants.

She is not allowed in my HOME ~ I call it my HOME cause a HOME is my solace ~ it's where our true family values begin. It's not my HOUSE. This HOME is my safe heaven n I will not allow negative behave to be infiltrated.

He is crushed but ~ you don't needour HOME to have a relationship. It's difficult for him I know it crushes him that I don't speak about her but every time we speak of her we fight. To avoid fighting I say nothing.

weekendwidow's picture

I understand and agree completely. That's what this is all about, really. Respect. The way DH allows his kids to talk to him is awful. There's no respect. Because they're allowed to talk to him and BM like that, they think they can talk to everyone like that.

I didn't allow it, so I am a bitch. Whatever. If you want to be in my home you need to treat me and my family with respect. They lie about everything all of the time, why can't they fake it at a gathering?

They constantly tell DH that they are adults now so they can do whatever they please...really? How about you act like an adult and prove it? Have trustworthy behavior and you'll be trusted. Have adult behavior and you'll be treated like an adult. Show respect and you'll get the same in return. It's really quite simple. They refuse.

I have never NEVER said a foul word to them even when they went off on me. I have never NEVER told them that they aren't welcome in my life like they have told me.

If someone treats me like crap I tend to avoid welcoming them into my home. It's a boundary I have - you get it.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Weekend ~

The only blessing in all of this ~ is that you KNOW exactly where you stand with them. Respect their need of not having you in their life. If they want to say that are adults ~ then guess what adult behavior has consequences ~ that's the blessing. They are adult ~ let them Goooooo ~ disengaging is delightful. I am just so proud of my children to be respectful young adults not like his Veruca.

Do I wish things were different ? Sure ~ but I am not going to fight for a position in her life the way she treats me. She wants to runs his life. He (DF) finally has someone in his life that respects his thoughts , that loves him , and values his ideas and he respects in turn. Why would you want your father to be lonely ? I do love him but I could give a rats ass about her. The BM in my situation loathes me bc DF & I had a past before her. I never infiltrated her marriage or relationship but BM has PAS my DF & me. I treated SD like one of my own & the minutes I demanded some sort of discipline SD went off the deep end. My friends nor my family will be disrespected by one of our children. Not gonna happen.

She loses .....not me.

weekendwidow's picture

My DH kept explaining away their behavior...
"Maybe we misunderstood" or "That can't be what they meant". I just shook my head and said, really? When will you see? Part of me hoped he was right, but MOST of me knew I was right. They don't want me around. I get it. I don't know that I'd want to get to know the lady who married my dad either. I got it.

They don't have to be rude or insolent, though. They don't have to act like they are a prize that I don't get to have. Get over yourselves dearies.

This latest debacle was an real eye opener for DH, though. I even said to him - "Now do you see that they don't give a hoot about having me in their lives?" He said he did. Let's see how this plays out.

Thanks for your support!

weekendwidow's picture

Oh Sorry. That does really suck. I feel badly for your DH. I'm convinced that the BM's in these situations cause an awful lot of the drama. The constant bad mouthing of the BD and SM has to affect the skids. It just has to.