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I feel like the split family BM has always wanted

Biostep7777's picture

So we have had a ton of issues with an extremely HCBM. She tells my SK that me and my kids are my husband's "other family" she has divided us like that since day one which has cause tons of issues. She fights about extra curriculars so DH is preoccupied with their kids all weekend so we can't have time together as a family. She tells them that my kids and I are not their family. It's been nothing but a struggle to try and build a family with these kids with their mother always in their ear. They just puppet whatever she said like "sports are the most important thing to them" Which we know is not true but they know that they need to please mommy dearest. So, lately I have been more focused on just being with my own kids instead of trying to include everyone. My kids and I have gone on a couple weekend trips last couple times stepkids have been here. This is very important to us. We LOVE  to travel/take day trips/go exploring/on adventures. I have been doing this with my kids since they were born! I work and this is what I choose to spend my money on and DH fully supports me. So, it's been very nice on one side but the other side is that we feel like a completely divided family now. DH and his kids and me and my kids which is exactly what BM has been trying to do all along. Plus, my kids really do love their step siblings and they haven't seen them because we are doing our thing and they are doing their thing. SS told BM that we went on another weekend trip and didn't invite him and she said "great! It will be a nice quiet weekend them" Wow! She's awful. It sounds like he was hurt.  So, now I'm starting to think they are feeling excluded but they couldn't come because youngest SS has baseball all weekend and BM has first right of refusal for overnights so oldest SS couldn't come. He was with his dad this weekend. Why would I take him?  It feels like no matter what we do someone is hurt. This sucks. Ugh!!! 

slkastep's picture

I totally feel your pain.  My husband was divorced for 2 years when I met him, but you'd think I must've been his mistress or something by the was his ex behaves.  She barely speaks to me and never ever smiles at me during kid events.  She is totally not supportive of us blending as a family and the makes it obvious to the kids.  She even got into a very public argument with my husband in front of my step daughter during a cheer competition telling my husband that there was no way it would last because this was my third marriage.   As a result, it has been very difficult to blend because the stepkids have a wall up.  I don't understand why some BMs would rather behave in that manner than support a step parent and their child having a good relationship.  My ex got engaged and had two more kids after we divorced and I've been nothing by nice to his fiance and their two kids.

Biostep7777's picture

I know right? I don't get it. I am divorced from my kids dad and we get along great. He's remarried and I am so supportive of my kids relationship with their stepmom. I truly don't get it. But, I'm also not insecure. I think these women are just insecure. I don't know. All I know is it's definitely NOT about the kids no matter how much they try to claim it is. 

Survivingstephell's picture

Don't let the skids put this on you and remind them if they whine about being left behind that this is on BM for this. She's the one who schedule a their lives. She's the one .....   your hands are tied and then ask them rhetorically why she would want that for them. Let them figure it out.  You keep having tons of fun with your bios.  Lots and lots of fun.  Sometimes things have to get really uncomfortable before they can get better.   

Winterglow's picture

I agree... and lay it on thick. You never know, something might just sink in. 

tog redux's picture

Unfortunately, this is how it goes with a BM like this. I agree that if SS feels left out, he can be reminded that he has said that sports are the most important thing, and if he's changed his mind on that, he needs to speak to his mother. 

Once you get out of court, things might settle down some. Court revs up these HCBMs.  

Biostep7777's picture

Well he didn't have games this weekend but she his brother did and they have right of first refusal for overnights so she insists he be with dad or her. She would have made it miserable for all of us especially him if I brought him. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

We live like two separate families under the same roof.  I guess I am just used to it now and feel it is for the best for everyone involved. Anything else ends up being a disaster for one reason or another.

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I think you have to learn to emotionally detach yourself from having any responsibility in how SKs feel.

You did not create this situation, their parents did and it's out of your control. 

I had plenty of practice before SKs came along with exH always disappointing DS. Since we parelell parent I do not get involved and only focus on what I can control. Which is my time with DS. 

I find not making an issue of anything exH does has helped DS to let it go.

Biostep7777's picture

It's my kids too though. They miss their step siblings and they are sad and hurt that they don't want to be a part of our family. I don't know how to help them. I wish they didn't care but they do. 

Rags's picture

As disfuntional as all of this is, there is no fix other than to pull the plug.  To do nothing just continues to hurt your children and yourself.  Better to rip off the bandage and get on with life putting all of this behind you and your children.

To do anything else is to take over the torturing of your own children by tolerating the crap.

IMHO of course.

BoyMomGirlStepMom's picture

I feel like this is the hardest part of moving on post divorce. When you marry and have kids, you create a family aesthetic. These are the things we value and do as a family (for example, school is the priority or church or  different activities - scouts, dance, sports). You develop a schedule and decisions are made based on those values. Often the values continue in both homes after parents separate/divorce, but when there is a new parent/family in the mix, you have to create a new aesthetic blending these two families. When that conflicts with the former values, what do you do? We all agree different houses, different rules, but you also don't want the priorities you always agreed on to change. 

FYI, I'm actually with you on the mini adventures. That's what we like to do in my family, but in merging with my BFs, it's been tough. Getting my kids to sit and watch activities that we've never done before (to support step kids) has been a struggle. But it helps bring us all together. We go to games/performances and they come along for adventures. I think the key is compromising, but it's tough because who wants to compromise with someone else's ex?