I Can't Stand My Boyfriend's 2 Year Old!!
Hello everyone, I am new to this site and thank God I found it because I desperately need somewhere to vent & people who understand my situation! What it all comes down to is I can't STAND my boyfriend's daughter. She is 2 1/2. She is bratty and spoiled and will throw a tantrum if she doesn't get her way. I know all about the terrible twos and this is much more than that. He has joint custody of her & at her moms house, she has no rules, she is basically taken care of by grandmom, so when she comes to dads she thinks its a free for all. I can't stand it. She has no bedtime, when she finally decides to go to sleep she is up a few hours later screaming for him, & he brings her into our bed! The other day I actually woke up covered in cookie crumbs because he gave her cookies in OUR bed at 3am! & the way she clings to him just makes me cringe. Just her name alone makes me nauseous. I resent this child because half of my boyfriend's time (he has her every other week for a full week at a time) is devoted to this little brat and we can never do anything we want to do, even if its just sleep! I think he feels guilty for not being with her all the time & is trying to be the "good guy." I don't know what to do anymore. I love my boyfriend but I don't know how I am supposed to deal with this kid! Help!
*leSigh* If you think two is
*leSigh* If you think two is bad just wait till three hits… it’s the terrible two’s but tyrannical threes!!!! when SS3 was about a week from actually turning 3 it was like a turkey thermometer popped only it was devil horns instead… this semi-aggressive toddler suddenly became a screaming, extremely destructive little monster who makes these angry fists and twists up his little face and screams *GrrrrrrAaaaaaa* at the top of his lungs from the time he wakes up till he goes to sleep (thankfully we have him on a religious sleep schedule, 8pm out cold!). It ain’t a party… having a three year old…
But he’s the love of my life’s baby boy… and that’s the mantra that gets me through most days… “He’s my loves baby…”
Try to guide the little girl the best you can with the patience of the woman who loves that child’s father with all of her heart. Good luck darling…
I don't have any of my own
I don't have any of my own children but I have 3 Godsons & I do have lots of experience with children this age. I think it's going to be a huge issue because of the way he spoils her, she has no discipline, no structure, no rules, she runs the show. I think he just lets her do whatever she wants because it's easier than dealing with her screaming and crying when she doesn't get her way (hence she ends up getting her way all the time.) It's insane. Then when I try to step in he gets mad like he doesn't want me to be involved in disciplining her. So frustrating!
My sister likes to say
My sister likes to say "whomever invented the term terrible two has never had a three year old, or a four year old, or a five year old." In my house we called the fours the fun fours but two, three and five were and are rough. The hard part I found was that with toddler/preschoolers you still have a lot of the caregiving of babies but you have mobile little people with their own voices, desires and interests. I became a step parent when they were 2 and 3 and now they are 4 and 5 and it was overwhelming. At times I detested them and would lay in bed thinking " I can't not do this I am just going to sneak out." But through a lot of letting my SO know how I felt and being allowed to discipline things have gotten much much better. I would try to talk to BF and see if you can get on the same page. One thing I would suggest is that if you do decide it is worth it, try to spend a little one-on-one time with the kid. That really helped my bonding and helped me feel like a parent.
Welcome to mommyhood! Lucky
Welcome to mommyhood! Lucky for you, you can walk out if you don't like it. Twos are hard, threes are worse...then later there is the teen years. If you are already havig a hard time accepting his child at this young age then just get out. You are getting a glimpse of what life will be like if you stay with this guy and you already don't like it. If he isn't wanting to be a different parent then things won't get better. Honestly to me though the behavior sounds normal. 2 is still a baby to me. I know you have godkids but being a parents is a lot different than babysittig. Wanting to sleep with daddy at that age seems ok to me. Clinging to him...normal. She's little! I think it's weird that you're jealous of a 'baby' clinging to her father. You also say you resent this child because half your bf time is with her. Well...it is HIS time and it is his daughter. It is not your time just because you are the gf. You have to learn to share his time. Not every waking minute do you have to be with your bf. She was in the picture before you and will be aroud after you. You are the gf, not he mom or stepmom or wife. If you don't want to be around them then don't. You have that choice. But you knew going into thi relationship that he had his girl every other week. I jut worry that since you already resent his child now how can this relationship last? He will be her dad forever. He will be financially obligated to her for another 16 years. But she will always be there.
Similar feelings
You should never tell somebody that they’re “weird” for feeling a certain way. All feelings are valid. We can’t help the way that we feel! It just happens. I am literally going through the exact same thing as this girl. Boyfriend has a two year old who is just ridiculous and I can’t stand her. All she does is whineeeeeee whine whine and he thinks she is the perfect little princess. It’s annoying. I also feel the weird feelings of jealousy towards his time spent with her. I envy people who are able to step parent and NOT feel this feelings. I try so hard to make them go away because I love him so much but I truly cannot stand her and sometimes I just wish she didn’t exist. I wish he didn’t make a child with his ex .... I resent all threee of them for that. How do I fix this?
I Feel The Same !! Help ASAP
I know I'm late to replying to this comment but I had to reply bc I feel 100% the same! I don't hate my boyfriend's daughter I just don't like her and I feel bad that I feel that way because she's only 3! The whole situation between him and his baby mom is annoying and when his daughter comes over I instantly get annoyed! She's bratty, whiney, hardheaded and she never speaks to me. When she wakes up in the morning she says "good morning Daddy" but doesn't say good morning to me. She's rude! I allow her to use my iPad for YouTube & she's still rude! My boyfriend wants to include her in everything like Christmas Photos and buy us matching UGGS and I don't like it, she's not my child why I gotta include her in things I wanna do??? I wanna be with my boyfriend and for a long time but how can I deal with not liking his daughter? I wonder if I would ever like her and not feel so annoyed when she's around. Did anyone ever get over this feeling? If so how ?
I completely agree with you
I completely agree with you furie. A 2 1/2 year old child does not have the capability to reason. Her parents need to step up. She is a child of divorced parents. There will be many difference in each household. You should encourage your BF to try to be her teacher if BM won't step up. Someone has to teach her. Just tell him if she is this way at 2 imagine what she'll be like at 15.
Thanks for all the feedback.
Thanks for all the feedback. Just to clarify, my BF did not have his daughter every other week when we got together; they just recently went to court and got joint custody. When we got together, she was hardly ever around (not by his choice but crazy BMs). So we basically built this life & I view her as kind of an intruder (I know it sounds bad but I'm just being honest with how I feel.) & as far as the bedtime thing.. I understand that she wants to sleep with her daddy, but like I said to my BF, I don't want to sleep with a 2 year old & that itself should be enough reason to get her out of our bed! I have had numerous talks with him and he keeps saying things will get better as she gets older but in reality, it is not her, it's HIM! I am just so in love with this man I have tried to leave before but couldn't bring myself to do it.
EXACTLY!!!! She is the
EXACTLY!!!! She is the girlfriend!! Not a wife. If you don't like it sleep somewhere else. This is still a baby we are talking about. I could uderstand more if it was an older kid, but a 2 year old?! I think the gf needs to take a step back and reexamine her situation. If she doesn't like being aroud the skid then she doesn't have to. The kid will always be there and the visits will occur on schedule. If the gf doesn't like it then find another place to stay those weekends. I have little ones so this kind of just make me mad. Poor little girl.
Do not judge
<p>Yes, I understand these feelings that she has may make you uncomfortable having your own kids but I'm sure she's uncomfortable with sitting in these feelings. Imagine you are at a park and you see this little girl on the playground throwing a tantrum because she doesn't want to share a swing with other children (a lot of these children can be physically aggressive; hitting others). You are obviously gonna think like "Who is this child's parents?" and then someone tells you "That is now your child. You have to love them but you have no right to discipline or make any decision for them" So basically you just have to sit back and watch this child turn into a narcissistic spoiled teen and then adult. This is what it's like being a step parent or dating someone who has kids that haven't figured out the right tools to discipline or set boundaries with their kid, so it can be hard. Being that she's still in this relationship means that she is willing to make it work. I believe that as a step parent it's not so much about how you feel about the child but more so how you make the child feel in your presence. I share a lot of these feelings that she has but when it comes to reacting with my boyfriend's 4 year old daughter I put on a brave face and make sure to remain positive. I'm a person who would consider myself a kid person. I love kids but step kids are a different breed and that is also understandable. These children go through a lot of trauma due to the separation of their parents and their little brains don't know how to handle these feelings. As for us adults we have more control over our feelings and how to deal with them. With that being said these initial feelings of jealousy and everything else might never go away but as time progresses you learn to process them better. You also learn that with proper communication you'll feel more secure with your relationship and his daughters presence will become less and less of a threat.</p>
Your post made me cry. That
Your post made me cry. That is some writing.
Why..?
Why..?
Spunki - it's so funny that
Spunki - it's so funny that you wrote this.
I am pretty close to my niece who is only 2-1/2. When I come over she yells "Aunt Stick"! And if she sees SD and not me, she starts looking for me. She clings to me when I babysit, even when others are around.
The other day, I kept her overnight so her mom and dad could have some time alone. The little sweetie was sleeping and half whining "mommy" and "daddy" but she was sound asleep. When the phone rang she would ask if that was her mommy or daddy. And we were having fun, swimming and playing. And she still wanted just to hear their voices on the phone.
Another time, I just babysat for a few hours, and when her mom and dad came home, she ran to them like she hadn't seen them in years!! Hugging their legs and saying "Mommy!!" "Daddy!!"... It was sweet - and heartbreaking at the same time. Because she didn't understand where they went. It was especially sad because her mom and dad are having a tough time, and I am not sure they are going to make it. So, to see her react that way was hard.
Separation anxiety is real, and kids that little have NO CONCEPT of time. They also don't really know that when mom and dad go away, they are coming back. They haven't figured it out, or gotten into that routine yet.
I think this was a really good post..
It's like object permanence
It's like object permanence in early child development. Infants and toddlers have trouble with the concept of objects/people existing outside of their line of sight: like when a child sees a toy and when you take it out of their sight line, they think it's gone - like GONE, not existing any longer. The concept of things/people existing when you can't see them is difficult for young children to comprehend. Separation anxiety comes into play because the child cannot see their parent, they become anxious and clingy, not wanting their parent to "disappear" because they might not come back. That's incredibly scary for a tiny child.
It takes a very patient person to understand the workings of a toddler's mind and development. If you don't have the patience required, it might be a good idea to evaluate your relationship with the father. That child deserves someone in her father's life who will be kind and patient with her.
I am just so in love with
I am just so in love with this man I have tried to leave before but couldn't bring myself to do it.
You aren't in love with him. You are in love with the idea of what you THOUGHT life with him would be like.
He has a 2 year old child. She's a baby still. If you already hate her then you need to go away, for her sake, for his sake and for your sake. There is nothing but misery ahead for everyone if you stay.
No.. I love the way our life
No.. I love the way our life WAS before he got custody of his kid and I love HIM - if I didn't, there is no way I would be putting up with this BS right now!
What you describe is not BS.
What you describe is not BS. It's NORMAL for a 2 year old, particularly a 2 year old that has already been through so much turmoil.
YOU are not the right person to be in their lives. You are not going to have the life you thought you were going to have, not unless he's a real scumbag who can turn his back on his child and if he does that I guarantee you he will resent the hell out of you for it. You need to face the fact that what you thought your life was going to be is not going to happen with this man. never. Even if he deserts his child he will never forgive you for it.
Why would you stay? She is still a baby. She cannot reason, she cannot manipulate, she cannot control. She is at your mercy.
Are you going to be the one who justifies the bad rap that stepmothers get? You obviously are so wrong for this situation. If you love him, get the f out of his life before you cause him and his child irreparable damage.
That's what my SO said a year
That's what my SO said a year ago about my SS. 8yo and still in our bed.
I feel for you
I feel for you Christinen...read some of my blogs and you'll see what I deal with but a big difference is that my BF daughter is much older. Two's are terrible in any kiddo...Bio or Step. She does appear spoiled though and it will only get worse if rules and boundaries are not set. In my position I can only sit back and watch...I have not control at all and the Sk runs wild like one of the posters said. I like you love my BF more than I could have ever imagined. That love gives me the strength to stay. I hope things work out for you and I think you have a fighting chance being as how the little girl is only 2. Good luck.
Oh, Lord, if he's spoiling
Oh, Lord, if he's spoiling her now in her formative years, it's probably only going to get worse. If my DH had let his kids in the bed in the middle of the night AT ALL I wouldn't have stayed with him, much less if he'd let them bring food into the bed. I made sure he knew up front that the bed is off limits or else. He's not doing her any favors by spoiling her. In fact, he's probably doing her more harm than good. I hate guilty divorced parent syndrome. It's the worst.
I just have to respond to
I just have to respond to whoever wrote maybe I should go to the couch.. my boyfriend moved into MY house so there is no way in hell I am getting out of MY bed to go sleep on the couch in MY house. Just had to clear that one up.
& really.. the only thing I ask of my BF is to put his daughter to bed at a decent time & not to have her sleep in our bed.. you really think a bedtime is too much to ask for!? he doesn't only have her weekends, he has her every other week for the full week, so half the time.
So you have a baby goingto a
So you have a baby goingto a different place with a woman she doesn't really know. Listen, could you sacrifice a week at a time of letting your bf and his daughter sleep on the couch? That way he can still comfort his baby but wouldn't be bothering you in any way? I bet after a few weeks on the couch he'll try harder to get her to bed earlier and in her own bed. Since this is your house, where does his little girl sleep (or supposed to sleep) when she is there? Did you talk about what things would be like with his daughter before he moved in? I mean, if you couldn't stand his daughter thenwhy did you ask THEM to move in with you? Is he in a situation where he can live back on his own and give you back your space and privacy? Sounds to me like you just aren't ready for this and it could do you both some good if you just take a step back and not live together right now. That way you can haves chance to really figure out if this is the life you want, he'll vet more time with his daughter and can figure that out and you two can work on things and issues such as his daughter. When dh and I dated he stayed with me alot but I didn't allow him to brings his son for overnights while dating. In my eyes I was just the gf, not a stepmom yet & didn't want that responsibility yet. And since it was my place I had the right to make the rules.
Since this is your house,
Since this is your house, where does his little girl sleep (or supposed to sleep) when she is there?
She is supposed to sleep in her room but ends up coming into our room/bed.
Did you talk about what things would be like with his daughter before he moved in? I mean, if you couldn't stand his daughter thenwhy did you ask THEM to move in with you?
I guess this is why I am having such a problem with the situation, because when he moved in, he did not have joint custody so his daughter was hardly ever around. I moved HIM into my home, then here she comes.. I know what you all are thinking but imagine me, I am a young, educated professional with no children, never married, thinking my boyfriend is moving in with me and everything is great.. then here comes this 2 year old out of nowhere..
Maybe I could ask him to sleep in her room with her when she is there, that's an idea.. I don't want to keep putting time and energy into a relationship that is not going to work but I guess that's what people do when they are in love.. Thanks for the input
Ugh!!! This is my life too!!!
Ugh!!! This is my life too!!! MUCH sympathy :/
& one more thing.. You are
& one more thing.. You are right I am not the wife (although he wants me to be- I am the one who has to decide if I want to put up with all this to be with him forever), but I am the closest thing he's ever had to one, he was never married to BM, in fact he didn't even want a kid, she got herself pregnant intentionally to try and keep him around when they both knew things weren't working out. He didn't want her to keep the kid but she insisted and now that she sees her little plan of keeping them together didn't work, now she wants nothing to do with the kid & he's stuck taking care of her. The BM is so crazy that she even said she will not put the kid on a schedule or do anything to "help our relationship." She doesn't even care about the kid, she only cares about trying to break up BF and me. It's a lot more complicated of a situation than you realize and I was hoping for some more positive advice.
poor kid Send her to me. I'll
poor kid
Send her to me. I'll take care of her.
I would if I could, trust me!
I would if I could, trust me!
Ha ha ha!!! Cracked me up!
Ha ha ha!!! Cracked me up! Yep, 2.5 is nothing compared to what is ahead!!
I agree with others. If you
I agree with others.
If you already detest this kid you need to leave the relationship and find a guy who doesn't have children. Plus, the things you are complaining about aren't really that bad. All 2 year olds do those things. Wait till she's old enough to start lying and manipulating.
2.5 is NOTHING. You'll save everyone a lot of pain if you cut it off and find yourself someone else.
Christenen.... Please rethink
Christenen.... Please rethink this relationship. If you can't stand this CHILD now... just do yourself - and YES, everyone - including your boyfriend and his child a favor, and think about either...
1. Getting out
or
2. Figuring out a way to cope, and accept this child - who is only 2-1/2 and has done NOTHING to you personally.
In my opinion - which I hope I am offering humbly - You don't really hate the child. You really hate the circumstances and the reminder of BM and how she may be so like BM. You hate how you have not had a choice in this disruption of your life. You hate feeling like you are being "forced" into a situation, and forced into confronting DH's past on a daily basis.
I honestly believe that if circumstances were different, and this child was someone else's - an orphan, a child of a friend or relative, etc., that you would be able to handle all the realities of the baby being only 2. You may even think that some of it is cute!!
Listen, this weekend, I went to visit with some friends and heard a horrible story about their youngest son, who has been an addict his whole life. He met another addict - while in rehab - and the 2 of them have already had 3 children together. Unfortunately, neither of them can stay clean, so their first child is being adopted by a nice young gay couple.. the second child is possibly going to be adopted by another young woman, and they have stayed clean enough for the third child to be in their care.
The first little girl - the one in the process of being adopted by the gay couple - is only 3 years old. She was with her parents at first, then taken away by CPS, and then given back, and then taken away again - all before the age of 3. Do you know that the state actually had put this child into counselling? AT 3?? They had someone sit and play with this little girl to make sure that the trauma of what she had been through will not stay with her, and that she is adjusting.
People think that kids that young don't know any better, or aren't aware of their surroundings, or whatever kind of crap they want to say. But the reality is that children that young DO KNOW. They recognize hatred, and they recognize tenseness, and they understand who "can't stand" them, and who really cares for them.
So while I can understand all of your feelings of helplessness, and possibly even bitterness... You owe it to the man you claim to LOVE - a child who still has a chance at a life ahead of her, and most importantly yourself to figure out the source of your anger and resolve it.
Do you love yourself enough to not get lost in the bitter? And do you love this man enough to do what is right for his child - and therefore him??
Do you love yourself enough
Do you love yourself enough to not get lost in the bitter? And do you love this man enough to do what is right for his child - and therefore him??
__________________________
That was a great post right there..
I can only imagine your
I can only imagine your hardship. It's quite difficult because you don't have the right to discipline the child but the behavior of your boyfriend's daughter will surely affect you in some ways. I guess you better let the child's parents to take care of it since it's their responsibility.
- Miriam (hospitals)"
No kids in the adult
No kids in the adult relationship bed. Not a complex concept. A 2yo will cry themselves to sleep in their own bed. If there is nothing wrong, let 'em cry. Ambien and ear plugs.
Going thru it to
Ok so im going thru similar situation ok so his 2 1/2 year old daughter doesnt like me and really i know shes 2 years old but im not faund of her either shes spoiled when she doesnt get her way she puts her head down and has a complete attitude ...he has half custody now so he gets her 3 1/2 days a week and i cant stand it ..when i first met him he seen her every other week but now he lives in my house and its alil small so everytime she comes over she takes over my entire living room toys and cartoons for days until she leaves ! I recently had a baby with this man and i love him dearly ..our baby is 3 months old and has health problems she has hlhs which in order for her to survive she has to have 3 open heart surgerys so ive been mentally going thru alot i understand that its a court order to have his other daughter almost 4 days a week but when he's with her i always get pushed to the side and when things go on with our baby and i have to be in the hospital i feel resentment against him and her because even tho its court ordered when things go on witj my child he cant always be there because he has her and i feel as my child is being neglected ! I told him plenty of times that mentally and physically i dont want to be around children cuz im just not there ive been going thru post partum and he doesnt seem to care ....i dont want to be around his daughter or no other child when mine is in the hospital fighting for her life!!! Every thing annoys me !!! What do i do ? Oh and did i mention at times her father disrespects me in front of her and her mother hates my guts ever sence i got pregnant and took him to court amd its such a big mess not sure if i wanna continue this relationship