A host of issues right now
Hi all,
I am thankful for this site. My 10 year old stepdaughter just moved in with my b/f of 3 years and my daughter and I. She has not lived with dad since she was 5. It has definittely been a transition. I'm trying to come from a empathetic place, but am feeling super drained. Her mom literally sent her to our home with a duffle bag in July. She has had to move into my daughters room and share all of her things. Her own mother has refused to send anything to her own child (she feels we should buy all new things)....fabulous that I have to deal with an ex-wife who has the maturity level of a teenager and still depends on my boyfriend to take care of all things financial.. We had agreed on a year but my b/f ex wife is doing everything possible to sabotage her being here. She calls this child and makes her feel guilty about wanting to live with her dad. The whole mess makes me so sad. She has reverted to 5 again and is very clingy and needy with her father. She is very very normal when it is just she and I. I have been going to counseling w/ hubby to work out blended fam issues and his child just recenty started seeing a preofessional. Her therapist told me yesterday that she is deeply disturbed and closed off. Apparently she feels something bad happened at her moms home to make her leave everything and move to a new state. I feel very overwhelemed as this kid is alwasy depressed and malcontent. She is so attention starved that she mopes around and I feel like my hubby is running around trying to placate his childs mood all day! I know I sound crazy right now but I am the one who is carrying this emotionals family load and it is affecting my child and her ability to be close to her stepdad as all of our joint attnetion is going to his daughter to ensure that she is just normal. Shes way behind in school, manners, watches all innappropriate shows/internet and was parented completely differently from the way I do things with my own child. Anyway - my point is that we were very in love, planning marriage and our future, and my own child was happy prior to his daughter moving in with us. I know it is his respojsibility but I really never thought my life would become this and I am finding myself very resentful of this child and her deficiencies. On the flip side I know we can help her and I am committed to doing that but it is very very challenging!!!!!!
Jenner - I really feel for
Jenner - I really feel for you. It is going to take a while for your 10 year old to feel comfortable, and part of the family. Right now, at 10, she has been a victim of some type of abuse it seems, and had to choose to live with her dad. AT 10 years old.
I understand your frustration and your resentment. Unfortunately, I don't have a magic "happy" answer for you, other than that you, as an adult, can really "choose" how to be cope and deal. You have 2 choices here. You can feed the resentment and frustration, and keep thinking about what the skid lacks. Or, you can give yourself a break, understand that you are only human in the face of some inhumane sh*t by BM, and that, yes, while it sucks, it can get better.
Your breakthroughs will be little, but they will come. Part of the reason I believe this is because your SD chose to come live with you, despite BM's best efforts to put a guilt trip on her, AND you have the girl in therapy. TWO HUGE PLUSSES.
Her quote unquote mom.. the one who is supposed to love her, exposed her to something so bad that she made the adult decision to get the hell out. So what does her mom do? Send her with nothing. Your SD has a lot of fear and resentment too. Look at her parenting example on BM's side, which she lived with. It is going to take a while for your SD to trust that DH and you and sibling will not turn on her, turn her out, and make her feel even more unwanted.
In the meantime, please don't beat yourself up for feeling "robbed", but please also don't let those feelings get the better of you. You have been given a chance to change a child's life. I'm not being dramatic. I'm being completely 100% serious. You have a chance to give this little girl a shot at a normal adulthood... something you, your DH, and your little child already have. You are going to make mistakes - I guarantee it. But we make mistakes every day!
When my SD came to live with DH and I, she got the big guilt trip from her mom too. And that was hell on her. It wasn't that she didn't love her mom. But she knew she needed to get out or else she was literally going to kill herself. That's where my SD was, and that could be where your SD is.
Also - kudos to you and DH for being smart enough to go to therapy together to deal with this. This can work. You can all be happy again.
Please PM me, if I can ever help.. or please read some of my past blogs, to see if they help.