hate stepchildren...hate myself...PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE!!!
I really really really need some advice. I feel like I'm headed down the road to self-destructing my relationship with DH. First, let me explain the background which leads to the need for advice. First, I have 3 stepchildren. Girl age 17, girl age 13, and boy age 12. I also have a 1 yr/old daughter with DH. Custody of kids is every other week with DH and DH's Ex trading weeks. When I first came into the picture 4-5 years ago, there was a slight honeymoon period. I got along with kids and vice versa. However, my DH's ex has always tried to interfere with our relationship and create conflict. She is not a nice person. She is not really a mother to the children, but instead allows her mother and her new husband to take care of all the parenting. Her family has tried to overstep boundaries several times...such as they buy my daughter christmas presents...want to come over to open Chmas presents with us, etc. It just feels very weird.
Anyway, back to kids...at one point in time, the now 17 y/o would talk to me about how she wished her mom could be nicer, listen to her, be there for her, etc. So my point is, I really did try to make this stepparenting thing work...I even thought for a while it could Then DH ex decided she wants my DH back and problems started. The DH's ex tells kids it's my fault their family can't get back together (but had she cheated on my husband and their relationship had been over for 2-3 yrs before I came around). Then I was to blame for everything!! 17 y/o (aged 14 at the time) started having anger outbursts...like really really bad...calling names, punching and kicking holes in the walls, it was miserable. I felt like a prisoner in my own house. She has recently gone to stay with her mother, which has alleaviated some of the stress. However, the other two are always having problems. The 13 y/o has had several invovlements with the police. The 12 y/o boy has a metnal disorder called trichotillomaina in which he pulls his hair out. He also has an eating disorder. He is under treatment with a psychologist. I think its from all the anxiety from lack of mother and oldest sister being crazy all the time. He punches his middle sister in head sometimes. I just feel really stressed when they are around. My husband travels with his job and is home a few nights a week. This past summer I told him they couldn't stay here when he is not here due to stress it causes me.
He feels guilty for being gone and so tries to get the kids to stay with us when he is here. I go from it being me and my 1 y/o daughter in a calm clean house, to a house of chaos. I am on guard when they are around and feel like I have to be "fake nice" since I know that at any momment these kids will turn against me. They have been mean to my daughter and rude to me saying things like..."what if she is retarded..." and laughing when she falls down etc. I feel like I have to be overly cautious to protect my daughter when they are around for fear of what they might do to her.
I have gotten to where I resent my step-children and even worse my DH for wanting them around all of the time. He just doesn't understand the stess when they are around. In his mind it's all one big happy family. In my mind, these are demon kids who make my life stressful. I never know how the day is going to go. The kids call constantly when they are away and then sometimes spur of the momment, like DH calls and says "Oh yeah...son wants to stay the night...I'm headed to pick him up" Then plans must be changed b/c it turns into a therapy session to help support poor mental problem child. I do feel bad sometimes that he suffers from these problems, but at the same time, my family, with my DH and daughter are left to the back burner so that DH can be therapist, law enforcer, banker, etc. to his other family. I have tried to explain this and how I feel to my husband. It ends up in a huge argument. He says I'm hateful b/c I don't love his children...and then I feel like crap. Am I a mean person? Has anyone else felt like if it weren't for their SC their life would be great? My DH says I'm selfish and immature for feeling like this. I just feel like noone really understands me. I am not trying to be mean, but I am tired of every single thing revolving around the SC. Money is an issue due to the spoiled (private school, designer clothing, etc) needs of the SC, while I wear Walmart clothes. What is normal? I feel like maybe I am a crazy bitch like DH says. Please! Any advice or similar situations would help me out. I feel like I'm all alone!!!!!!