Future SS is driving me crazy with stories about his BM and my fiance.
I'm sure someone else has or is dealing with this. Please tell me how to bite my tongue and be tolerant!!! My future SS, age 13, is constantly talking about the way things were when my fiance and his ex wife were married or things they did, trips they took, etc. Most of the time, I can brush it off and keep going but every now and then it gets to me and I get upset by it. My fiance gets mad at me because I get upset by these stories. I KNOW he was married before and I KNOW that SS will continue to have memories but how can I toughen up and not be affected by this? Fiance says that if he tells SS to stop talking about his mama then SS will go back to her and tell her that I get upset. I don't want that. I just wish there was some consideration for OUR life together.
It's making me start to resent having him around. What can I do??????
Why does it have to escalate
Why does it have to escalate into SS thinking YOU'RE upset? DF should tell him that it's in poor taste to constantly talk about someone's prior relationship, period. And that he and SS can share the memories but other people aren't really that interested. And does he really enjoy them himself? SS is old enough to be doing this on purpose to dig at you. DF needs to address that.
Or you can just tune out and think about something else. Uh-huh. Really? How nice. And then share a few stories of you and ex's adventures. Bet the subject gets changed fast.
So are you're saying that you
So are you're saying that you don't need any validating? Why do you come here? Why does ANYONE come here?
Because they want VALIDATION.
Everyone needs it, even you. That's why people come here everyday - they want someone to tell them they're okay, that they're good people, even though they feel bad things. They want to be told by others that they deserve good things for themselves, that they deserve to have husbands/wives that love them, that their feelings are VALID.
There's not a day that goes by here that someone doesn't come here for validation. So, if adults need validation so much, it stands to reason that children would need it that much more.
What you're saying is that children don't need validation and, more than that, they don't deserve it - they need discipline, hardness and no mercy because validation would only make them lazy, entitled and socially inept.
However, the adults here need it AND deserve it.
That's quite the double standard.
What exactly does validation do for the adults on this forum? Does it affect them the same way? Do the people on here become lazy, entitled and socially inept? Or do they feel better, do they come away from the validation of their feelings better for it? Do they learn something about themselves?
I guess what I'm trying to get across is that, if adults need validation to make themselves feel better, it stands to reason that children do too. And children deserve it just as much as the adults in their lives.
JMHO.
He's extremely immature.
He's extremely immature. He's been diagnosed with several learning disorders that result in him acting several years younger than his biological age. So, even though he's 13, he acts 8 or 9. Because of this, I would say that it's probably not intentional to try to hurt me. He can be a really sweet kid at times.
I think DF has mentioned to him before that HE doesn't want to hear about her anymore, that nobody cares to hear about her.
Last night I had to hear about a vacation they took when he was in 1st grade, that his mom had braces when she was pregnant with him and then finally that the house was always spotless when they were married cause they both were neat freaks. None of these are really a big deal but when it happens ALL THE TIME, I get crazy sometimes.
Buy the kid a journal and
Buy the kid a journal and tell him that sounds wonderful and he better write all these things down before he forgets them.
He is either wanting them back together and/or wants to upset you.
They went to the Zoo? Hey, I went to this awesome zoo once. They had white tigers. Have you ever seen a white tiger? Do you know tigers skin is actually striped as well? Not just their fur?
Dairy Queen and bought Blizzards? Oh I love blizzards. Esp around TG and they have the pumpkin pie one. It is so awesome. What is your favourite blizzard? Oh so that is your mums and you like the same one? Cool! What is your dads fav blizzard? I don't MIND that one but I prefer xxx blizzard but I REALLY I like their fries as well. But I always eat it outside. There is something about eating icecream outside on a sunny day....
Get the idea?
**LIKE*** Excellent ideas...
**LIKE***
Excellent ideas...
ok...maybe I'm being really
ok...maybe I'm being really naive but do you REALLY think he's doing this just to upset me?? If that's the case then I'm really gonna have a problem with this!
Just tell him dude I am glad
Just tell him dude I am glad you love your mom & dad but if you wanna talk about your parents " Go talk to you DAD "....your soon to be DH needs to tell him that what happened between him & sons mom stays there & that you DO NOT want to hear it...
He may know it's upsetting
He may know it's upsetting you, but I seriously doubt he's doing it for the specific purpose of hurting your feelings. Even if he knows it makes you uncomfortable, it is probably more important to him to hold on to the memories in a way that makes them part of reality . . . by talking to real people about the memories and getting constant affirmation that these things really happened in the past.
Like some of the others have said, I would get him a journal and also start making new memories between the three of you.
My SS5 does this all the time and it makes me uncomfortable sometimes, but you just have to keep in mind that they are going through a transitional phase in which their life is changing in very serious, scary ways. While it's not easy on me, I think the best thing I can do for ss5 is be supportive and make him feel as if he can talk about anything he needs to talk about.
Good luck!
I dont post very often but I
I dont post very often but I wanted to chime in on this...
I have been a SM for 10 years(with the BM from hell, 2 PASed step princesses), mother to 4 (most of whom are adults), and foster parent to over 40 kids (ages 0 - 15). Kids are kids and want you view their mother/dad in a good light regardless of the situation. Believe me in even the most vile situations the kids LOVE their parents, the kid wants some kind of validation that their parents are not pure evil - and that they want you to know how important they are to them, and you would not try and turn the kid against their parent. My experience is until you do this - the child will have a very difficult time bonding with you and trusting you.
He wants you to validate her in his life. He wants you to think she is a good person and is letting you know how important she is to him. Acknowledge what he is saying, tell him she is (beautiful, intelligent, funny..... or "that sounded like a lot of fun!) whatever it is you feel he is trying to get you to validate and it will bond you closer to him. He wants your reassurance you wont try to push her out of his life or that he you will force him to have to choose sides. This will go far to make him feel more secure and that you accept him as is. Keep in mind at the same time he is probably doing the same thing to his mom... and he is going to want her to be accepting of you as you are now a part of his life. Once you have gained your ss's trust and respect if his mom does not validate you - it will negatively effect their relationship.
I know its frustrating... but after a lot of validation and the kid feels you dont think badly of their parent(s) he will trust you and be more accepting of you in their lives and will stop talking about her all the time. Then your relationship will move to the next level and he will be coming to you for advice and comfort as he knows you will have his best interests at heart. (unless this situation includes the kid being PASed out! - which my advice would be totally different)
This is an amazing
This is an amazing perspective and I whole-heartedly agree with you, Jaded. I wish and hope that others will read your response and take it to heart.
More than anything, children need our validation of their identity - who they are. And part of who they are is their biological parents - their DNA. It's too bad when we allow our insecurities to get the best of us so much so that we would tell a child not to talk about their other parent.
Look, I have no love for my XH. He abused me for over a decade. But, when my child tells me about the fun things he remembers about life with his dad from when he was little, I laugh and join right in because my child loves his father. Even if I don't, he does. And his self-worth means more to me than my own petty insecurities or negative feelings toward the XH.
JMHO.
Just thought I would relate
Just thought I would relate story with you. SS14 (then 12) and SD12 (then 10)told me a story about my DH when he was with his ex and he apparently flipped a booger that hit the ceiling and when she walked into the room it fell on her head. (Personally this is disgusting they however found it funny). Then while talking to the x, she told me about this, and laughed. Then one of the kids brought it up, and my DH brought it up, and then someone brought it up for the umpteenth time and I snapped. "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE G*D D*MN BOOGER"
I don't know if that helps any, but it is something we all have to deal with, and I have found it is my insecurities that I have to deal with. They had their time together and they at one point were happy (I don't like thinking that) but it just like telling stories of our past. I personally leave stories of my x alone, or tell it as his friend.
It gets better!
Start talking about YOUR
Start talking about YOUR past...hmmm...I used to get this from all of DHs family...the kid didn't remember her parents being together...but every once in a while, she would talk about something that obviously someone would tell her...DH of course thought it was ridiculous of me to get upset...so everytime ANYONE talked about his past I would say, "wow, that's nice that they went to X place...I remember when I went to DC with my ex-husband, we had an awesome time...the hotel was just beautiful...blah, blah..." and to his crappy mother, who also didn't think much of it, I would start asking about HER ex-husband in front of HER current husband, ie. my DHs real dad...yes, I'm a witch...but you know, I am sick of everyone in these step families being allowed to be mean to the smom and for the smom to be the ONLY one to have to bite her tongue...if they have no manners, then there's no reason why I should either...guess what? they got the hint and stopped talking about ex's!
floridagirl, my Bfs kids talk
floridagirl, my Bfs kids talk about their BM often. They will tell my BF things like how she has stopped drinking pop and lost weight. Just out of the blue things that we don't give a shit about. I don't think it will ever stop because she is and always will be the BM. You just have to accept it and not let it bother you. Or in time you will make memories with them and hopefully it won't be so bad.
Do you all think that if my
Do you all think that if my fiance were more responsive to me when this happens that it would be better? I've tried to explain to him that it's BECAUSE of him that I am experiencing this and if I can't talk to him about it, who should I be talking to?
I don't know why this particular time it has bothered me so much. The comments made were really no different or worse than anything else that has been said in the past. I pretty much decided last night that I would address it myself when it happens again and I'll do it ALONE with HIM. I wont invite fiance to join in the conversation. I'll simply pull SS aside and explain why this upsets me and ask him to stop. Should I really even care if BM knows that I get upset about her? Isn't it kind of normal to not want to hear about your DH/Fiance having a life with someone else?
I admire the way my SIL handles this in her situation. She's so patient and understanding. Me..not so much.
That is completely normal!
That is completely normal! And if you feel that talking to your SS about it will help then I would talk to him, just don't let him feel intimidated. Find a nice way to ask him.
DF came through for me again,
DF came through for me again, as he always seems to do! He told SS that HE (DF) didn't want to hear about anything about BM. DF said that he wasn't sure how I felt about it but he was sure that I didn't like hearing about her either.
DF put it on himself so I didn't look insecure (which I am terribly, btw).
Now, I just need to rid myself of this insecurity that's wrecking my life!