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I get really scared when I read these horrible posts about skids!!!

floridagirlal's picture

I'll be marrying a man with a 13yo son later this year. I also have 3 girls (14, 13, 7). I have read so many posts that really scare me about the reality of life in a blended family. His son is, for the most part, polite and respectful. He does what I tell him, he eats anything I cook, etc. The only problems that i have had with him is when he talks about his mom and the past.....but that's my own insecurities.

Is there an upside to all of this? If not, why do people get married and blend their families?

uncommon's picture

"1st tier in our lives is us (we do have a few slip ups from time to time), 2nd is the kids, and that is how it should be."

I can't disagree with this strongly enough. When you have kids, whether by birth or by marriage, those kids come first as long as they are under the age of 18 and need to be taken care of.

somerg's picture

imo it takes a very strong willd person to be a sparent and you cannot be light hearted or offended easily and survive in a blended family.

DaizyDuke's picture

I guess that's one of the hardest parts of having a blended family.. is the unknown and the uncontrolable. There are so many things that could happen... custody arrangments can change, skids behavior can change, BM's can go bat shit crazy, and on and on. Marriage is hard enough these days without all of these added unknowns thrown in the mix. I think you just have to go with your gut.

I also agree with Leah, in the end it's about the realtionship that you and your DH have, you're the ones growing old together.

kerryann67's picture

It sounds like you have been blessed with a pretty decent skid. If your families are already blending pretty well, and your issues are not as intense or frequent as mine, then you might be a success story. Remember that the step parents you meet on this site are the ones struggling. I doubt anyone would look online for a support group if they weren't having any problems, so you generally won't hear from those people.

And I think people blend families, even under difficult conditions, for various reasons.
1. any issues are very minor in the early stages
2. people think "love" is all you need
3. it's financially difficult to be a single mom, and it seems the lesser of two evils
4. people imagine that dating and sleeping together feels so right that getting married would be more of the same
5. it's EMOTIONALLY difficult to be a single mom, and when a man helps solve some problems and holds us tight, it makes us feel safe and we want more of that
6. Despite problems, we feel we can overcome them

This is my opinion, of course.

floridagirlal's picture

Our relationship is very similar to what Leah described. We definitely support each other and agree almost all of the time. He asks for my feedback and I ask for his. And we know that we will be the ones sitting together in those rocking chairs while our kids are out living their own lives.

I'm definitely not questioning whether or not I want to marry him. I do. I just hope that there ARE some good times and it's not all bad.

At the very least, we only have these teenagers for another 4-5 years and then they will be gone. I can fight a bear for a little while if I know it will eventually move out!

Auteur's picture

Having a supportive DH is the TOTAL key to everything. If DH doesn't have your back, is placating the unreasonable BM and playing guilty/disney dad to his kids. . .if his kids have no discipline or rules but he makes sure that YOUR bio kids march to orders, then you are headed for trouble.

If your DH puts you down or undermines you in front of his kids and gives his kids more say so over things under your own roof than you have, then you are headed for trouble.

Sadly all of the above is TYPICAL. What is Atypical is a DH that supports the SM and is a united front for the sake of all involved. And thus this site.

lexaprotakemeaway's picture

IMHO.. the majority hinges on what kind of parent your DH is. If he actually parents the kids instead of spoiling them rotten, they will have less of an effect on your relationship with DH. It's the husbands/wives that let the kids run the household who seem to have the most problems.
My DH is a great father. There are things we don't agree on when it comes to parenting (we have SD13 full time.. she was 7 when I came along.. great kid), but they aren't big enough differences for me to make a big deal over. There have been times when I've put my foot down and explained to him where I'm coming from and he actully listened and changed his mind, and he has done the same with me. It's give and take. Our relationship is great.. has been for the last 6 years. It's my MIL that's almost done us in a time or two. She's got a pretty steady bf now though, so I'm hoping she marries and moves the fuck away soon. I would be happy forever!

Anyway.. if you have a good relationship with your SK's and SO, don't worry so much. BUT.. I would caution you to look for the red flags. Does SO spoil the kids, are they punished when needed, etc.. From my observation, those are the kind of things that may not seem so bad now, but when the kids get older.. omg.

Orange County Ca's picture

floridagirlal remember that as a step you are powerless to enforce anything. Let Dad do it and don't ask him to discipline your children either.

floridagirlal's picture

Thanks to all for your insight! My FH is great with discipline and structure and he always backs me up (at least in front of the kids). If we ever disagree, we do it in private so the kids don't see an opening for "divide and conquer". FH doesn't spoil his son BUT he is very attentive to his needs. FSS has a horrible life at BM's house and is just ignored in general so we do try to make him feel safe and "at home" when he is with us. Our plan is for him to move in with us full time so he can have more stability. FH has no problem standing up to him FOR ME when it's necessary.

We have been to counseling already to discuss potential challenges to blending the families and how we will handle it. Counselor has told us to put the marriage first because a secure marriage means secure kids.

I just have to tell a sweet story that melted my heart. This morning our 2 13yos were going out of town on a field trip. They had to be at school at 6:45am. BM dropped FSS off at school while I dropped my BD off at school. BM had no money to give to FSS (of course) so FSS called me and asked me if I could give him some money for the trip, which I did. FSS sent a text to his dad to tell him that I gave him money and I was "a good girl to marry". We're off to a good start.....

floridagirlal's picture

ROFL...Those poor, poor boys! The women are getting ready to invade!! They won't know what hit them!