In need of advice
I have a 2 year old son and a 7 year old step-son. They get along pretty well condsidering the age difference but there are still issues. I know no child is perfect and believe me I treat my step son the same as I treat my son, but there are some things that I cannot ignore. My step son has ADHD and is on medication during the week but not on the weekends. My fiance and I have both boys on the same weekend to reinforce the family unit.
Since the beginning I have known that my step son was unfortunately witness to his BM being verbally and physically abused by a former boyfriend as well as being witness to her unsuccessful suicide attempt a few years back (this was before I came around). Obviously this would take a toll on any child. His BM is now married with 2 new children both under the age of 2. All of these factors can lead to stress which I am well aware of.
Here is my issue...my son adores his step brother and typically they get along well. However, my step son with frequently have outburst where he yells at my son for no reason or instigates situations to upset him. His father is well aware but does not step in which leaves me to be the disiplinarian. Recently my step son told his teacher that his step father punched him in the face, along with a bunch of other things about him and his father. DSS was called and there was no evidence of abuse, in fact my step son recanted the stories. On top of that this past weekend the boys were playing and my step son pushed my son off the steps..thankfully they were only on the second step but he showed no remorse. I've been approached by family members telling me that they don't trust my step son and that they think he will hurt my son. I give my step son the benefit of the doubt but I am beginning to think they are right. Obviously my child's comes before any relationship I am in.
I have tried to talk to my fiance about this but he makes excuses for his son and blows me off. Even my step sons BM wants to take him to get an evaluation for anger problems. I'm at a loss...how do I make his father see there is a problem without making it seem like I am criticizing his child? I worry that my step son is going to lash out one day and potentially harm my son. I am in desperate need of advice!
Is your SS in
Is your SS in counseling?
"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus
No he's not in counseling.
No he's not in counseling. He was a few years ago and it was discontinued. His BM wants him to be evaluted for anger issues, but my fiance is against it. I on the other hand see no harm in getting the evaluation done since it seems like there are definite issues.
Is he on a Behavioral
Is he on a Behavioral Therapy program? Does he act out only on weekends? ADHD is not a simply thing to explain. Nor are the actions and impulsivities of an ADHD child. ADHD is/could be part of the reason why he does this, but it's no excuse. I have 2 bkids that are ADHD and I am myself. My youngest son is very agressive when he doesn't get his own way. If he's home when this occurs, I carry him kicking and screaming etc to his room where he stays until his melt down is done and he's had time to think about things. We then chat, he appologized for his actions, and we carry on our day. With ADHD children, the consequences have to be immediate. Otherwise when you get around to diciplinning them, they aren't going to remember/understand why, and they are going to be very angry, have another melt down, and blame you for always picking on them, not loving or caring about them etc. ADHD is a very complex thing to deal with, as many other issues can/could accompany the disorder that you may be unaware of (ie: OCD, Anxiety, Defiancy (can't remember exact name). I was diagnosed with General Anxiety at 18, and with ADHD a year ago. My life would have been so much easier if everything was noticed back then. Don't give up on him, educate yourself, even as a step. I know it can be hard, my fdh is living it right now, and he finds it hard. Good luck! and if you need to chat, PM me. :o)
Ohhhh if I were you I'd
Ohhhh if I were you I'd never leave the kids unnatended at any point if they are together. We have a girl with ADHD, ODD and emerging borderline personality disorder. Hell on wheels!! I asked the doctor what percentage of the behaviors were due to the disorders as well as the child herself. The doctor told me, in front of her Father, that it's 99% the child. They are giving newer, more 'politically correct' names to sociopathic disorders now. There is NO CURE that I am aware of that 'fixes' these kids, they are so manipulative and live in an altered state of reality. We had evaluations as parents, family therapy etc. which was ordered by the juvenile judge. During therapy our girl threw a fork at me! She told her Daddy to suck on her D*** and choke on her b***. I am sorry not to give you more helpful comments, we have been to hell and back with our girl, in and out of juvenile hall, group homes kicked her out!! The thing is with these disorders is that the child is so manipulative and can aplologize up a storm, behave very well for a period of time and then off it starts again! I saw distinct patterns over the years with our girl here. It took a while for my husband to see it, I did get allocated a lot of blame because of her manipulations and wrapping Daddy around her little finger but he did see the bigger picture after he had to pay all the court costs and child support to the state etc. The breaking point for him was that he spent time in jail as a result of her lies, he did not give in to her on an issue and she called 911, pulled her hair out and generally mutilated herself and blamed her Dad. The one and only cop in our area who had not arrested, or otherwise dealt with our girl actually believed her and arrested her Dad!! The DA was horrified and just told us to go home and pick up the minutes in the morning. It's an awful thing to be going through and you have my sympathy.
I'm definitely thinking he
I'm definitely thinking he possibly has Oppositional Defiant disorder combined with ADHD. When looking at the symptoms of ODD he fits. I've had experience working with kids with behavioral problems and my best friend still works with that population. We've had many discussions about this and we're both thinking the same thing. I realize ADHD by itself can be difficult to deal with. Right now my SS is only taking meds during the school week due to the side effects. He has issues with sleep and won't eat when on the meds. So on the weekend his behavior could partly be him being off the meds but deep down I think there is so much more to it.
My fiance tells me I am being to hard on my SS, but I'm not. I treat my son the same way as my SS..I have rules and boundaries. I don't allow them to use yelling/ temper tantrum to escape from things. My son has no problems with my being this type of parent and I have even been complimented about what a good kid he is.
I love my fiance, but this is one of those issues that could end our relationship. I don't know how to make him see there are problems with his son that everyone else around his sees. My son's safety will always come first.