Blending family soon, defiant daughter
I will try to make a very long story as short as possible.
I had a 17 yr relationship with a Narcissistic man (undiagnosed). I was unaware of what the problem was until after I finally left and went to counseling. The abuse was mostly verbal and mental/emotional but became physical before I finally left 3 1/2 years ago. We have 2 children, a girl who is 10 and a boy who is almost 8. My daughter is his golden child who can do no wrong, my son is the scapegoat who is consistently punished for everything and whose needs are overlooked. My son has accepted the way his dad is, and though he wants to maintain a relationship with him, he also wants to bond with my now fiance. My daughter is accustomed to being catered to by her dad and has always been independent, and now has control issues.
No child likes to be told what to do by someone who is not their biological parent, I understand. They feel the same way about my mother, who takes care of them when I am at work. But even she is a blood relative and they both seem to accept that and behave for her, for the most part. My fiance does not have any children of his own but has been in a few relationships with other women who have kids, so he has some experience. His approach is more strict than mine, which I also understand can cause friction with my children. However, he has watched me be their mom for over a year now and he has both offered me his opinion of what he thinks can improve as well as taken some of my approach into consideration. He has reached out to both of them and tried to bond. They have both been receptive to bonding with him, but my son has been more agreeable and flexible with adapting to his different ways than my daughter.
She is defiant and questions everything, complains frequently, pouts, and has begun to tell her dad if she gets upset with my fiance. This is a problem because her dad has focused on trying to get my fiance out of the picture since we began dating over a year ago. He promised me before I finally left that no man would ever parent his children with me, and he vowed to make my life miserable if I ever tried to bring another man into their lives. Now he constantly questions them and will not stop talking about how I can marry my fiance as soon as the divorce is final. He seems obsessed with pushing my fiance away and I believe she is on board with him.
Ok. So how many of you have dealt with this?! I would love to hear any advice or just stories any of you would like to share.