21 year old hell
I have been with my fiance for over two years. He has four children in an unconventional way.
Son #1 was adopted by Fiance from ex druggie gf 21 years ago when child was 3 months old. Childs BD was also a druggie and is no where to be found.
Son #2 is fiance step son. His wife's son from a previous marriage. She died unexpectedly 4 years ago.
Son #3 is finace bio child from him and wife that died.
Nephew who is 30 from his sister and brother in law.
Son #1 is 21, son #2 is 18, and son #3 is 12, nephew is 30
I have two bio children myself, one son who is 19 and one son who is 21.
I have not married this man yet, I want to because he is wonderful but I won't marry him until he stops enabling his nephew and his children. I write this because I'm teetering between calling it quits with him or giving him an ultimatim. I don't like ultimatims and so I don't think my idea will work. I'm at the end of my rope in my life situation so I'm asking for some help from anyone out there.
The 21 year old was thrown out of the house by fiance in January 2009 for being horribly disrespectiful to me, and everyone one else in the house. He did not listen to me or his dad, and did nothing around the house. When asked he did such a poor job that fiance ended up doing it so it would be done right. (big mistake) After running to his bio grandmothers house to live for a year, he finally reconnected with his bio mom. Things did run smoothly between the three of them. Things were great at my end because Son #1 was gone and out of the house and we never heard from him. He became such a horrible handful that bio grandma threw him out of her house and bio mom would not take him in, so he ended up right back with his adopted dad, my fiance. He showed up 21 years old, with no job, no money, didn't bath, clean up after himself. Oh and he has real issues with women due to his bio mom abuse when he was a toddler/sml child. He resents all women and will not take direction from them at all. He was actually moved out of any school class room if he had a women teacher and placed with a man teacher otherwise he was so disruptive.
So he is back in the house where I live with my fiance. He now has a job deliving papers and makes $800 a month. When not delivering papers he plays world of war craft non stop, still does not bathe or do basic hygiene, clean his room or his bathroom. He is not stupid and gets out of doing any house work he can. I stay away. I have a house of my own and I go there everyday after work but we sleep at my fiances house because of his 12 years old son. We have joint checking, have made a trust/will for ourselves and have my stuff at his house and his stuff at my house. We call the houses 'our' houses and plan to sell both in 2 years and buy one house.
I will not marry him or live in one house with the love of my life until his adult children are responsible for themselves. I don't know if I should simply start asserting myself to 21 year old son #1. If I do I know that will cause choas and horrible arguements. Fiance interceeds all the tine now trying to keep peace. He says he wants to go to school in the fall and pick up where he dropped out of college. I feel he has a job now, he should start paying rent, and a percentage of the utilities no matter if he is going to school in the fall or not.
My son goes to college and pays for his own school, has a job and rents a house and pays all his bills and he is 21 also. My other son is 19 and has worked since he was 15, bought his own car, pays for his insurance, and pays me for the electric bill everymonth.
Fiance 30 years nehphew has lived with us for two years and has worked sporatically, does not pay rent, pay for food, utilities, nothing! He does help out cleaning if we ask him. I love his nephew but once again my fiance is enabling him to be a loser. I want to set up limits and give them both one month and then they need to start paying rent and a percentage of the utilities and buy their own food if they are going to stay at the house. If they can't do that in one month then they have to leave.
If that is something my fiance can't abide with then I feel I should tell him goodbye. He is a wonderful giving loving man and has also been so good to me and my kids but I can't stand how his adopted son and his nephew take advantage of him. I'm at the point where I can't particiapte in this anymore. It bothers me so much. I want to stop comingling our bank accounts and get all my stuff out of his house and into mine. My first option is to kick the lazy loafers out of the house, sell the houses, get one house for us and be happy. But as long as he lets the lazy losers in to take over then I can never be with him. I'm at the point of telling him them or me, pick one. Not sure if this is the right approach. HELP!