Entertaining children
Im just venting really but would like to know if people agree here.... DH's son, 8 (my ss) is so completely unable to entertain himself because BM is constantly entertaining him and treats him like he's an adult (she confides in him and lets him make decisions, etc), so when he comes to our house he tries to listen in to our conversations and needs to constantly be up DH's ass. its SO annoying. if he is out of sight for a minute ss is asking, wheres my daddy?? DH agrees and knows that its a problem that he needs to be way more independent and tries to make him go play and not be constantly hanging around with us (the adults) when we are all home together. But this week ss is with us and DH is entertaining him the whole time theyre together when Im not around. I ask him his plans for the day and he says "we are gonna play outside". ummm ok. meanwhile, the dishes probably will need done, laundry is waiting to be put away and the bathrooms are disgusting and need cleaned! (i refuse to clean the pee off the floor from SS). so much for that whole thing about trying to teach him to be more independent!! I guess when i get home with my daughter and have to pick up ss and have them alone tonight ill have to do the housework, cuz they were too busy playing.
ahhh im just so annoyed!
Yeah...SS is old enough to
Yeah...SS is old enough to make him clean his pee off the floor.
i want to add: I KNOW DH
i want to add: I KNOW DH just wants to spend time with him because they usually only get EOW with 3 weeks in summer, and he would say that he wants him to have fun and bond together....... BUT then he is just contributing to the problem (behavior of his SS) that he will bitch about being all BM's fault!
My SS13 is always asking
My SS13 is always asking "where's my dad?" even if his dad is out of the room for 2 secs to go pee! I've started telling him IDK where his dad is; if he wanted you to know he would have told you; I'm not sure, he doesn't have to ask our permission to go somewhere; or saying "he went to the moon" and ignoring him... That annoys my SS13 as much as his constant need to know exactly where his dad is at all times. He has even went outside calling for his dad before when his dad was just in the other room and I told him I didn't know where he was... LOL... then when he finds his dad all he says is "sup?" Really? He needs to grow up and let go!!!
my ss does the exact same
my ss does the exact same thing!! he will RUN outside thinking DH is out there when he's really peeing or something. i usually just say i dont know or ignore him. its just like, dude.... its been 2 seconds. why cant kids just play and not worry about having to be up their parent's ass all the time???
I realize they need to bond
I realize they need to bond and spend time together, and thats fine. i guess it just bugs me that he will sit and bitch about how BM is constantly entertaining SS to the point of him having some really bad habits/inflated ego about himself, and yet here DH is doing the exact same thing (entertaining SS and involving him in every second of his day). he NEVER just tells him to go play while DH does his thing, ss is always up his ass. thats not "bonding". thats a kid who thinks he is an adult and needs to be involved in every.single.thing instead of just being a kid. he cannot play alone. at ALL.
I think you've sort of got 2
I think you've sort of got 2 separate problems here. One (obviously) is your SS's independence level. Honestly I think it's pretty normal for his age. My SDs were exactly the same. They grew out of it. If you want to encourage more independence, start by finding him a friend his own age to play with. I also like the suggestions to have DH and SS work together instead of play together - that's a win/win/win for you!
Your other problem though is that you (and DH) are giving BM way too much credit/blame. Who the f cares if she's playing with her son and who are you guys to say it's "too much"? Forget it, and forget what she's doing in her own home. You can't change it, dwelling on it isn't helping, and it actually probably has nothing to do with the behavior you're seeing. I've seen plenty of posts that say something like "BM totally ignores the kid and so he's up our butts every visit to compensate!" Stop blaming BM for crap because it's not helpful and honestly is probably harmful to your OWN household harmony, and just deal with the behavior you see that you need to change.
Ah these old chestnuts: 1. "I
Ah these old chestnuts:
1. "I don't have much tiiiimmme with my kids so i don't want to spend it disciplining them"
2. "Where's my dad" (skid goes bonkers when dad goes outside of their peripheral vision--many times due to BM telling them that SM is eeeeeeevil and so dad should not leave their sight.)
3. "Daaaaaaadddddyyyyyy can you help me to breeeeaattheee?" (skid CONSTANTLY needs "help" to do the easiest of tasks that should have been mastered several YEARS ago)
4. "DAAAADDDDYYYYYYY. . .ummmmm. . .ummmmmm. . ..ummmmm" (skid CONSTANTLY interrupts adult conversation ESPECIALLY when SM is attempting to talk to biodad--usually just for the sake of diverting attention away and pure jealously of SM)
I don't know about your DH, but "Chef" (guy that I thought was the love of my life who turned into a MEGA guilty/disney dad and violent alkie) was very hesitant to teach his children ANYTHING, preferring to refer to them as "babies."
Ok so think of some creative answers when the skid breaks out the "where's my dad" routine:
1. Somewhere on this property, most likely
2. I don't know either, but they say it's (insert biodad's name)
3. Where was he last when he peeled you off of him?
Then, out of earshot of guilty dad, say things like:
1. "you may fool your dad, your mom, (insert name of coddling relative) but you don't fool me"
2. "in this house, the adults call the shots, not the children."
3. "come back and I'll have a lot more fun activities for you to do--washing the dishes, sweeping the floors--it will be FUN!"
If the child has any friends, invite them over to take the focus off the clinging.
Introduce chores and then make a huge fuss over child saying "Isn't he such a quick learner" to DH then smile broadly.
If the skid "tattles" on you (and he will) say to DH "Oh these kids and their WILD imaginations" or "kids DO say the darndest things!"
Bear in mind that these spineless biodads will always bitch about the BM's parenting styles, yet do the same thing and worse on their end. Just ignore it.
Your SS is exactly why they
Your SS is exactly why they put back yards on houses. He gets put out in the back yard in the morning and left to his own entertainment devices until lunch and then again after lunch until dinner. Until he learns to entertain himself or seeks the company of his peers.
We used to put the Skid in the back yard for 2-3 hour periods when he was over identifying with the adults starting when he was 5 or so and extending for a number of years. He was stubborn and would get on tip of his play scape and just sit there until it was time to come in. We never went to get him. He had some amazing internal clock and would always come to the back door within ~10mins+/- of the target time. It was eerie.
IMHO