5 years as step-father to a 7 year old that drives me CRAZY
Hello all. I'm Dale and I'm a disgruntled step-father.
I've been a step-dad (SD) to my step-son (SS) for 5 years and he's 7 years old. I'm the only "father" he's ever known. He "knows" his bio-father, but doesn't know that he is his actual father. He's a bright kid, but still doesn't grasp the concept of father and step-father. That being said, here's my situation:
Ok, I'm LOSING my mind. Like I said, he's a bright kid. He's in 2nd grade and reading on a 4th grade level, math on a 4th grade level, takes "gifted education" classes at his elementary school. His teachers say he is a good kid when at school, so I have to think his horrific behavior is reserved for me.
First, he is constantly up his mother's butt. I mean that in the nicest possible way, but for the love of GOD I hear him "momma, momma, momma" at least a hundred times a day. I thought he'd grow out of this, but he hasn't. No matter how many times I say "Son, I'm here too... I can help you with (X)", he always goes to mommy. I can live with that... whatever, right?
The thing that gets me is that he REFUSES to follow simple directions. Walking feet in the house. Sit down at the dinner table. Eat over your plate. Every single day, 5-10 times a day I have to say "Son, walk in the house!". At dinner, it's always "Son, sit on your butt" and then 5 or more times "Son, eat over your plate". Of course I am the one that get's chastised when I say something by my wife. I'm the "A-Hole" because I say something. Her theory is "just let him do what he wants, he'll learn". WHAT? How is he gonna learn the rules of the house if he is not told that he isn't following directions? We go to the supermarket (on a military installation) and he's running around with those tiny kid carts acting like a complete lunatic. When I scold him and tell him to stop, I'm the one in the wrong (in Mommy's eyes).
The next thing is that I have ZERO authority and the wife will constantly go against what I had just said. For example, it's cold outside (and when I say cold, I mean 55 deg F)and he's going outside to play, so I say "Son, put on socks and sneakers". He throws a minor fit and then she says "just put your crocks on and go outside". She doesn't realize that it's driving me crazy that she intentionally goes directly against what I say... and I do say the logical, smart things to the kid. I don't just come up with random foolery to make a hassle.
Punishment is a joke in our house. I am permitted to do NOTHING and she won't do anything. If he is WAY out of control and I grab him by his arm (and by "grab" I mean to wrap my fingers around his arm with enough force to lead, but never squeeze or jerk) to lead him to time out or to the bathroom to brush teeth, I am yelled at for "hurting" him. By the way, wearing a ball cap that is snug is hurting him. Having his sneakers tied so they are not loose is hurting him. He has no sense of what "hurt" is, so if I put my hand behind his neck to lead him in a direction I want him to go, he says "OW DAD!" and now I'm up sh!t's creek with Momma.
I'm at the point now that I'm either going to lose my dang mind, blow up, and send them both packing back to the states to live on their own or just say "F" it and have nothing to do with my SS. I am SO at a loss. I've tried explaining my problems and concerns with my wife to no avail. Her son is her son and that's the bottom line. I've tried to explain that a life with no consequences for my SS is not going to raise a good child, but she doesn't understand my way of thinking (or doesn't care). I'm not saying that he needs to get the crap spanked out of him on a regular basis, but I do feel that he needs some harsh punishment on the rare occasion to remind him that there are consequences for acting out. Just now it was "Son, sit down and do your homework". Three minutes later, he's on the floor playing with a toy. I tell him, in a stern voice, "Get up to the table and get your homework done!" and then I get yelled at by the wife. JEEZ!!!!
Please.... ANYONE... do you have any tips that can make this situation work out? I really love my wife and I do love my SS, but I have so much animosity towards him from years of being crapped on, that I just can't give a darn. I want to make things work. We even went to a child psychologist to see if we can work some things out and it was totally about ME the whole time and for days after she constantly pointed out how I am always wrong for expecting things from my SS that are "unrealistic". Seriously? After 5 years of family dinners every night and he still can't eat over his plate?
Any ideas?
Dale, First, Welcome. I hope
Dale,
First, Welcome. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream.
Your situation is paralleling mine closely. I have been SDad to my 21yo step mom since his mom and I started dating when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. His Sperm Idiot is minimally involved and though he had ~7wks of visitation per year the Sperm Idiot saw my SS only a few days during each visitation (5Wks summer, 1Wk winter, 1Wk spring). The toxic Sperm GrandHag had SS for most of the visitation time.
Getting the Skid to understand the Step Dad Vs. BioDad differences was not so bad for us. When SS came home from a visitation when he was about 4yo with toxic crap from Sperm Grandma about me not being his REAL dad and only being his Step Dad I dealt with it directly, factually and in a way that he understood. I guess I lucked out.
What I told him was something along the lines of "A Bio Dad is the dad that makes a kid with the mom. A Step Dad is the dad that is married to the mom and loves the mom and the kids very much. A REAL dad is the dad that goes to work every day to make sure you have a nice safe, warm house to live in, a safe neighborhood to live in, save cars to ride in, good schools to go to, teaches you to use the toilet, tie your shoes, ride your bike, read, write, throw a ball, swim, coaches your sports teams, goes to your school events and loves you and your mom very much." SS looked at me and replied something along the lines of "A Step Dad sounds like a real dad to me. Can we go outside and play?"
SS was an only child in our home and the oldest of 4 out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawn by 3 different baby mamas in the Sperm Clan.
Give this a try to get SS to figure out your role Vs. bio dad's role. It may work as well for you as it did for us.
As for your DW and her stabbing you in the back in front of SS .... I dealt with this issue with my own bride by giving her clarity that we are equity partners in our marriage and that makes us equity parents to any children in our home including discipline regardless of biology. I then told her that if she did not like how I parented or disciplined that she could step up and get it done before I had to and if she didn't I would take care of it and she could bite her tongue until she and I were alone when we would discuss it. The major point was that either would set standards of kid behavior for our home or I would set standards of kid behavior in the home and those standards would be enforced consistently. Either by DW and I together or by me.
She could participate in setting and enforcing the standards or she could bite her tongue. That was her choice.
This all came to a head when SS was ~13yo.
It worked out for us but it took time, revisiting issues and consistently holding the kid accountable for his behavior. Coddling is a waste of time and creates way too much drama. It is best for everyone if the kid is held to a reasonable standard for behavior in an age appropriate manner. Since your Skid, like mine, is advanced academically but stunted from a maturity level this can be very difficult. I defaulted to holding him accountable behaviorally in accordance with his academic level since the problem was him immaturity. He learned to behave appropriately to his age or he was a very unhappy kid because he was being punished like a much younger child. He learned the meaning of “If you are going to act like a baby you will be treated like a baby” very clearly during those difficult years.
Good luck.
Wow, Thanks Step.tococis and
Wow, Thanks Step.tococis and Rags. Your insight in much appreciated and it is great to feel not so alone in my misery.
I can say with 100% surety the following:
1. We are not equal in parenting (she wants 100% of that) and we are not equal partners (I am expected to provide 100% of the income, make every sacrifice for my family, and yet have minimal input).
2. I am NOT a patient man, yet I have been so patient that I should be granted sainthood. Not saying I'm a child abuser, but I am in favor of corporal punishment (in an appropriate and discipline manner) yet I have NEVER hit or spanked my SS (because of the wife's stance). Also, and I know smoking is a disgusting habit but I enjoyed it, I quit smoking (after 31 years of smoking) at my wife's request (I was a pack-a-day smoker when we met and years later when we married, then her mother died of lung cancer from smoking and all of a sudden the smell of me from smoking .... not the smoke itself because I did not smoke in the presence of the family, made her sick). On top of all that, we married in 2011. When it came time to do our taxes for the year, I find out she hadn't filed for 2009 or 2010 yet so I had to wait for her to get that done before we could file. Mind you, from my income alone we are looking at a refund for 2011 of $20,000+ and 2012 of $8,000+. Here it is, the 2013 tax season, and she STILL hasn't gotten that sh!t done. I remind her often. Her: "honey, did you do that thing I asked you to do?" ME: "You have those taxes done yet? No? Well, I did do that thing you asked me to" (though not always so sarcastic). Her: Well, it's gonna cost us $800 to get those taxes prepared! ME: "SO?? We have the money and we're waiting on damn near $30,000!!! DO IT".
3. If I attempt to raise a hand to her prince, it's gonna get ugly... possibly violent. Seriously. Here's a true story for ya... I am a multiple war vet who has "done his duty". I'm a civilian now, but still in my military mindset and mentality and still work for Uncle Sam. In my younger years, I was known in Germany and Clarksville TN as "The King of the Bar Fight" (I never lost a good bar fight and was always one of the very few to walk away). I've stopped drinking all together and have generally become non-violent (unless someone makes it impossible to not be non-violent). I'm kind of a big boy, too. I'm 5'10" and over 200 pounds and not fat. My wife, on the other hand, has a fairly quiet up-bringing. However, she is a black belt in a VERY highly respected martial art and was taught every step of the way by the "Supreme Grand Master", one of the top guys in the world in this particular general art. I've sparred with him out of fun and had my a$$ handed to me in a matter of seconds... and he's over 85 years old. I love that guy. Anyway, because she knows the katas and has had some dojo experience, she think's she's Queen Badass and can take me (though I have, on multiple occasions, foiled her mock sparing attempts with ease.
4. The SS is SPOILED beyond belief. He has his bedroom (with enough stuffed animals to make a pile as tall as I am). He has his own bathroom (no biggie). And he has his own "play room" with a day-bed, 32" TV, WII-U, thousands of $$ in games and accessories (let me meet the person that came up with the idea of Skylanders and I'll rip his throat out), DVD player, computer with internet access connected to the 32" TV for NetFlix and general "educational" game play, any and every toy he could ever want (and not want), and a "homework" computer downstairs for him to do his online homework (RazKids, IXL, some other sh!t). I am against spoiling him. I am against him (basically) having his own "wing" of the house. He has NO responsibilities at all. No chores. If he wants to "make money", he helps his mom do the laundry (or stands there and is annoying while she's actually doing the laundry) or cleans his rooms (or stands there being annoying and playing with toys while his mom cleans the rooms). He refuses to learn to ride his bike because "it's too hard". He plays soccer (5 season in a row... had multiple seasons sometimes due to the weather where we are stationed) and is ALWAYS the only kid on his team that will stop and cry because he can't get the ball. Was in Gymnastics, but had to pull him out because he would act like a fool and not make an attempt to learn. Is currently in tennis (for a year of private lessons) and I'm gonna cancel that because he doesn't care if he gets better and spends the majority of the time Fing off (unless I am physically standing on the court to make sure he's not). The kid has (and has had) every opportunity but he doesn't care. We had to pull him out of cub scouts because he just wanted to go there and play, not learn how to be a scout or listen to the scout master/cub master. Mom gets him anything he wants, then it winds up living on the floor of his playroom, in a closet in his playroom, or on the dining room table if it hasn't made it upstairs yet. She can not go into a store without buying him something... I'm not exaggerating.
I feel that as long as I go to work and earn, I am irrelevant. My wants and needs are disregarded and my expectations are laughable. I'm the A-hole because I work full time and earn and expect her to be the full time "stay at home mom" or "homemaker". I am disgusted by the disorder of our home because she chooses to volunteer at the SS's school every day (volunteer... for free, not work) and spend several hours 3 times a week for her martial arts training (and the drive to and from which is an hour each way plus toll fees). But if I say something about it, I'm the A-hole. If she runs a vacuum every two weeks, I am expected to appreciate that and show my appreciation. When wife and SS are gone to the US for visiting and they come back, the house is SPOTLESS, but that isn't appreciated or recognized to be what is expected. If I say something about it, I'm the A-hole.
I'm ranting and venting and I apologize. I really have no other place to do so. At this point, instead of making corrections to the SS or saying the same thing over and over and over (et infinitum), I just walk away. I know it isn't the right answer, but as long as the wife doesn't even notice or care, I'm the A-hole and will lose any argument. It's frustrating. I go through nicotine gum like crazy because I WANT to smoke (I know!! shut up!! it stinks, it's nasty, and unhealthy... I know!! but it relaxes me... I'm 43 years old, quit at 43 but started at 11 and can STILL run a 5km run in under 30 minutes.... though that's only about a 10 minute mile... I was doing sub-6 minute miles in the Army but that was 12 years ago). But, if I do smoke and enjoy it, I'm the A-hole.
Just accept it, I'm the A-hole, right? LOL
Thanks for letting me vent.
Dale
Oh, and the Bio-Father is a
Oh, and the Bio-Father is a non-issue. He's really only a sperm donor and is really a waste of sperm as a human being. It's been 7 years, not 1 cent in child support. When we were in the US (midwest), he never once in 3 years made an attempt to visit (from the east coast). He only calls when it's convenient for him, most times drunk, really only around birthdays and holidays, and is dumber than a box of rocks. I've been raising his only child, his only SON, for over 5 years and he still calls me "Dave". My theory from here on is that when he calls and I answer, my only question is going to be "have you sent any child support?" and then say "sorry, no dollas, no hollas". Anyway, he has no legal rights what-so-ever. He isn't even on the birth certificate and only cared about getting legal documents about him being the father when it came time for immigration paperwork to stay in the US (he's from South America). There's really no real interaction between SS and the bio-father or his family in South America.
Dale, I am all for corporal
Dale,
I am all for corporal punishment when necessary. Lighting up some kid ass to a stinging cherry red level can give clarity to a kid that otherwise is a snarky manipulative little crotch dropping. I had no problem spanking my skid when he lied which was pretty much the spanking offense in our home.
My wife did have some issues with guilt parenting in the first several years of our marriage and did take exception to how I disciplined SS upon occasion. I gave her clarity by telling her if she did not like how I parented or disciplined then she could step up and get it done before I had to. If she refused to step up then she could bite her tongue and support me in parenting and disciplining as needed. She did take that message eventually and take the lead in discipline. The kid fairly quickly asked for me to reassume the discipline lead since I am a discipline and reset guy and his mom is a exhaustive punishment/lecturer. Depending on his infraction she could keep his infraction front and center for quite a long time.
Your acceptance of being less than an equity partner in your marriage and less than an equity parent to the kid in your home baffles me a bit. Time to give your DW clarity that you ARE an equity partner and parent or she can get her ass out to the job market and support herself and her spawn.
My DW and I are a team as husband and wife, as parents to my Skid (an only child in our home), and as earners. We started with only my newly printed BS degree, a used truck and two college apartments full of crappy furniture. At various times I have been the sole income and at others she has been the sole income but we have always built our lives together and as partners raised SS-21 to self supporting viable adulthood.
Good luck getting your bride to gain some clarity and getting her toxic crotch dropping under control.