Should I go through with Court?
Quick background: my exh and I have 50/50 with week on/week off. we live in the same city - exh bought a new house a year and a half ago and I also own a home here. dd6 just started 1st grade within the public schools here, which exh and i agreed upon and also agreed when he got his house to not move her from for stability for dd. things were going fine, we got along - dd had a rough start to K last year but she was a very young kindergartner and improved a lot by the end of the year, her teachers worked with her and were pleased with her progress.
fast forward to one month before school is to start again - exh has a new GF who lives an hour away from us and exh has hinted that he plans on moving "maybe". schools where she lives are better than the schools where we live. he starts spending many weekends and then also weeknights at her house, with our dd. I dont object because i feel we can both live our lives without interference and i think its probably good for our dd to have a female in her life, along with the GFs two kids. I am not keen on the hour drive to and from school each day but at the time I didnt think it was worth a fight.
so. a month before school starts, exh tells me that he wants to move our dd to private school in a neighboring town, saying that because our dd had issues last year, he doesnt think the school system is meeting her needs (even though they identified her problems (behavior) and implemented a plan, which resulted in improvement), and he thinks it would be in her best interest to put her into a private school, and he also believes i will pay half.
so now, we have been back and forth for months, i am saying theres no issue with her current school, where we both live and which we both agreed on, and he is saying its not good enough and she needs "better" because of her "potential" to fail in the future. i guess based on her rough start to kindergarten and her behavior (which has shown great improvement since she turned 6! - shes had so much change in her life!). so we went to mediation and it didnt go well but he at least agreed to let her stay in her current school for 1st grade and talk to the school counselor and teachers to see if they can identify any issues and also any ideas for how to fix the issues (if they exist). if she doesnt do well then i told him i would consider allowing her to move to private school but only in our town and that i would not be paying for it. he also confirmed that he will most probably indeed be moving in with his GF who lives an hour away.
my question is, should i scrap these plans and just take him to court to let them decide on this issue? id really like to just simply keep her in public schools, im only agreeing to consider that one private school just to be cooperative. and at the same time, ask for a change in parenting to allow our dd to be with me during the school week so that shes not being driven an hour each way to and from school, and also to ask to be the residential parent for school purposes? the idea about him moving to his GF and our dd having to be in the car so much every day is really whats fueling my want to go to court. i dont like the idea at all!! we agreed to live in the same town for stability for our daughter... and now he's going to just move. ugh.
sorry for the book, thanks for any advice!
Well agreeing to stay in the
Well agreeing to stay in the same town probably wasn't going to last for the next 12yrs anyway. I don't why people even try to agree to such ridiculous things.
I can understand you not wanting your daughter to spend that much time in a car but as long as they are willing to make the drive, it won't necessarily hurt her. I lived in the middle of no where growing up and had an hr school bus ride each way every day. It's not unheard of.
I would stick to the agreement, but ask the teacher to monitor your child's behavior in school. Is she more tired on the days she is with dad because of the long car ride and needing to get up earlier. Is dad and child less able to be involve with school activities due to the long commute (this may not come into play with a child so young) There could be a valid arguments if you ever do decide to try and get custody for school days.
Divorce really sucks, and
Divorce really sucks, and unfortunately change is inevitable. What a person agrees on during the divorce often changes with job changes and relationship changes.
I would see a lawyer to see what you options are. It sounds like no matter what you say,he plans to move. It sounds like he is doing the driving to and from school. It may be a long drive, but it is time that he gets to spend alone with his daughter, and it will allow him to be involved as much in her life.
In my opinion if you own your home and you plan to be there for a long time, then I would suggest that you ask to be the residential parent. If he is the one who is moving then he is responsible for the driving. It would be a great advantage for your daughter to be in the same school in the neighborhood she resides as this will help with her socialization and making friends. As she is involved in extracurriculars, she will also make friends she goes to school with.
I would suggest that you not limit his time with her and that you just let him continue to drive her. If you rock the boat, trust me that this may drive him to give up and when he does, your daughter will be the only loser. She will see that her dad has moved on with his new gf, and possible future stepmom and her kids. And if they have kids then she will feel even more like a stranger to him.
It will be hard on your daughter as far as the driving long distances is concerned, but the benefit is the relationship she will maintain with her father. if you look at statistics, most fathers actively stay present for the first three years after divorce, then most (40 percent) don't even see their kid but once a year. Don't let your daughter be a part of that statistic.
I agree that private does not
I agree that private does not always mean better. I support public schools unless there is a huge overwhelming reason why the child needs to be somewhere else.
You cannot judge a child's future based on the first grade. A friend's son failed the first grade and was held back. (He wasn't that young either). He ended up graduating from Harvard.
Public schools often have way more accommodations for students that need extra help unless it is a school that specifically focuses on special needs. There is not evidence yet to determine that your DD needs that kind of extra help.
Beware of looking at generalized school district ratings. Even some of the worst school districts (some that are truly horrible) will have one or two really great schools. In one city that I know of the public high school has an honors program that is light years ahead of any of the private schools.
I don't see the need to go to
I don't see the need to go to court now. You have got what you wanted. Your daughter is staying in her school and you are keeping 50/50. You agreed to "consider" private school if there is a need in a year's time and warned that you are not willing to pay any fees. Your daughter will be in the car a lot, but hopefully it will work out ok, and if it doesn't then you will have evidence that it isn't the best arrangement.
A lot could change in a year. Relationships often fail once people move in together and see what it is like living with each other on a daily basis (not to mention being a step parent to two kids). Your ex could decide that the drive is too much, or find that he can't afford the gas. Or he might agree with you that being in the car all that time isn't good for her and he might decide he doesn't want to pay school fees.
The one thing that you should do is start to compile evidence as if you were going to court. Stay in regular contact with you daughters teachers and get written reports of her behavior and school progress frequently. Stay friendly and professional in all communications with your ex. Also note down all of the local activities that your daughter does when she is with you. Prepare for a court case next summer, just in case he decides he wants to put your daughter in a different school or that he wants more time with her.
ETA: as beaccountable says above, do be open to the option of letting your daughter go to the private school at the end of the year, it could have benefits for her and you could still spend lots of time with her depending on how you arranged your parenting plan. Part of your preparation for a court case I was talking about is to investigate the schooling options that your ex proposes. This will allow you to assess if they truly would benefit your daughter and if they won't you will know the reasons why and enable you to use those as evidence in a court case or reasons to persuade your ex. As she says, agreeing to things outside of court if the terms are reasonable saves a lot of money and heartache and builds for a healthy co-parenting arrangement between you.
this is EXACTLY what I think
this is EXACTLY what I think he is planning.
i made it clear that the only private school i will even consider are schools within our current city.
I think echo is onto
I think echo is onto something. It may be a situation where if you do allow a change in schools, what is to say that he then makes the argument that the public schools in his girlfriends neighborhood are much better then the school in your neighborhood and the private one.
At this point if he is willing to offer to pay for private school because he feels it is better for her schooling, perhaps he would be willing to pay for a tutor.
Echo is right in that the courts will not be in favor of a change for the child only because the circumstances of one of the parents has changed, by choice.
BUT as I said, you need to do what is best for your child. In my humble opinion it is going to be compromise on both of your ends. Yes he is moving, yes it sucks, but for your daughter you are going to have to come to an agreement that will work for her. That would be for her to stay where she is at, and for him to continue to drive her to school on his days. Yes she will have a long drive,but the relationship that she will be able to grow with her father during these years is priceless and worth it. It will affect her if you change your arrangement from the great arrangement that she has with 50/50 parenting.
Are you prepared to drive her
Are you prepared to drive her an hour to school. Give in on this and you set a precedent for more changes. How long do you think it will be before he says she should live with him full-time because of school, a school you were ok with her going to.
We all know if new girlfriend
We all know if new girlfriend lived in his town, then the school issue would be no issue. He'd be just fine with her in Public school
the private school he
the private school he suggested was in the town where he WORKS, which is about an hour from where his GF lives, but only about 15 or 20 min from our town where we live (just how the geography works)... but it was a weird school that was really a glorified daycare.
the private school i said i would consider if necessary is in our city... anyway.. i think he wants to set a precedent that im ok moving schools and eventually put her in schools where the GF lives. he knows i am not swayed by a fancy school. he is very much only interested in making a show of how rich he is and that his daughter goes to a private school, not a lowly public school. his new GF is apparently very well-off and i feel he is only trying to impress her/show off. he was fine with the public school until she came along. for the record, he built a brand new house in our city just a little over a year ago, so it seemed pretty permanent at the time... not now though.
i am glad to know most of you think the hour drive is really not that big a deal.. i was worrying over it but it would be so much better to not have to go to court.
An hour's drive for him or
An hour's drive for him or the 20 minute drive for you may not seem long if you only do it in good weather. However, if you live in a place with lots of snow, sleet, and or freezing rain it is not so good.
On your weeks, how will this impact your drive to work?
Will she be able to be picked up after school or will day care be needed? If it is needed, is it more expensive than what you are using now?
Don't give in because the school is ranked by some group as better. Most of the rankings correlate to family income and have no real bearing on the quality of the education.
Do not give in because you do not want to go back to court. If you have to you can go pro se. Fight for your child. Do not let him chip away at your custody.
I think he's getting his
I think he's getting his ducks in a row to take her full time. If he moves away then he should be responsible for the transportation. If you make it a habit of driving to his place for her then it will set the precedent that you could do it for her schooling too. I think 50/50 is a terrible idea for school aged children unless the parents are living close to each other. Think forgetting textbooks, clothes or extra curriculars and all the gear that goes in between. If I were you I would start enrolling her in as many community activities and groups to keep her tied to your community. Some might think I'm shady for suggesting it but the truth is that at 50/50 he has already proven capable of taking care of her so both of tall are equal. If you truly believe she is doing well in her school and that his only reason for private school is for his GF then you need to do what you can to keep her right where she is. Take this year of 1st grade and engulf her in ECs that she enjoys and also look up his private schools and the disadvantages vs advantages of living with him vs you for mediation the following year.