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Emotionally Distant From SSs

The Voiceless One's picture

Hi, I am new to this so please bear with me. I am 24 and have two SSs (12 & 13). I came into their lives a few years ago and we got along great from the start. Their BM has mental health issues and only has visitation every other weekend. My DH did an amazing job at integrating us into a family. I have no kids of my own, so it's been a long, but rewarding, learning process.

My DH has dealt with a lot of strife throughout his life. About a year ago he started having an affair. He also became very depressed, angry, and near suicidal. I stuck with him and he eventually ended the affair; however, our marital strain continued to become worse and worse. We tried to keep our issues hidden from the kids, but I know they knew we were unhappy. While I was still resistant to give up on him, I inadvertently started distancing myself emotionally from my family, especially the kids. I wasn't sure if I would be a part of their lives much longer, since my DH seemed to want me to get away from them. However, he started going to therapy and working out his personal issues. We also went to marriage counseling. I'm happy to say that at this point our marriage is succeeding. We continue to improve everyday.

Although my marriage is strengthening, I am realizing how much damage was done to the relationships with my SSs. I feel like no matter how hard I try I cannot connect with them anymore. I feel like we are strangers living together in the same house. I think it might be all in my head, like I'm too scared to let them get close since the trauma with my DH was so recent. Also, they don't seem to act differently towards me besides the typical teenage ways. I've talked to my DH about how I feel and he thinks it will just take time. I don't know, though. I wonder if I'll ever feel close to them again. It's really bothering me and I interfering with my happiness, but I don't know what to do :-(.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

I am so sorry you've gone through this. I for one would not have stayed, and I'm glad you guys came out on the other side. I agree that it will take time, and you may not get back the same closeness--they've grown, you've grown, which means now you are all different people from before.

Coupled with them about to hit puberty, they will become more distant and independent. Give it time and feel it out, if you (and it sounds like you do) want to try.

sterlingsilver's picture

I have found that even with my own bs since he has hit puberty at 13 and 14 and now almost 15 he has pulled away more then when he was say 8-10. He was always my baby and really close to me, now he's more about his games and friends. With my ss16 it has always seemed like living with a stranger but even more so recently since he's got better things to do and thinks he is smarter then adults in his life.

You are strong sticking it out with dh after an afair. I am not sure it'd be easy for me, tho I stayed with ex h after he had an afair for 8 yrs. It's compounded when it's affecting your relationship with the kids tho.

oldone's picture

You can never undo all the effects of an affair. That doesn't mean you can't deal with it and move forward together.

But it will never ever be the same again.

What harm is it doing if you don't love these children unconditionally? Sounds like you at least like them and get along with them. That's good enough.

momsome's picture

I can TOTALLY relate to your situation its been 3 years for me and I've gone through all of the above with my SKs dad. It is now at a point where I am close to the kids but my relationship with their dad is phony as ever. I mean we've started counseling but who knows whats going to happen. The only thing I can think to do is remember that time and place when you felt close to the kids and things you use to do with the kids and take them away from the video games and friends and have family time. Trust me they are feeling the same way you are. They are not sure that they should get close to you, because they no something is wrong and they've already had a family household split with their bio mom and their dad. So kids (teens) can do the same thing. I know this from being in that position as a teen and then experiencing it as a SM....it will take a while and its kind of like gaining their trust all over so they feel comfortable knowing that you wont hurt them by leaving. If you plan on staying.

The Voiceless One's picture

Thank you for your kind words. I do want to stay, and always have. I never gave up, even though I came close many times. And, as much as I know how terrible what I'm about to say it, I really think it was the kids that kept me hanging on when everything else seemed hopeless. I have always loved them very much, and did not mean to distance myself. I was still there for them whenever they needed me, even when I could barely get out of bed. I just wish this feeling of unconnectedness would disappear. I really hope that time will heal.