Why do adult stepchildren view their stepparents as their personal ATM?
Let me start out by quantifying that I don't have the best relationship with either of my adult SSs. The oldest SS had been in and out of my DH's life for many years, has no sense of personal responsibility, drug issues and guilted my DH into helping him this year. My poor naive DH (I really do feel bad for him) thought it would "heal" their relationship. The youngest SS if a pathelogical liar and a manipulator who plays with family members turning them agains each other to his own personal benefit. It got so bad that neither my MIL or FIL speak to me because of all of the strife youngest SS has caused between the adults. For my own sanity, I have quit even trying to have some semblence of a relationship with either one of the SSs along time ago and have disengaged with the lot of them.
In the past, my DH has a decent job. I, on the other hand, have a really good job because I worked my way through college as a single parent. The last blow up I had with my oldest SS was over whether or not I should fix his financial woes (Backstory: He had gone on a spending spree (or so he says) and had messed up his finances again. This is an ongoing theme with him. Given his past, I am not sure whether or not I believe his story.) because in his opinion "that is what family does", AKA bail each other out. My response was pretty cut and dry because I pointed out that he has two parents, a BD and a BM, to help him and I am not one of them (not my monkey, not my circus). Needless to say, he is no longer speaking to me or his BD because one, I set boundaries and secondly, his BD, through no fault of his own, is not in a position to help him due to the COVID-19 layoffs. His BM "retired" in her early 30s to be a housewife and has no money. IMHO, I feel that he is behaving this way to hurt DH's feelings and drive a wedge between myself and DH - cause strife/more hurt feelings between the adults. Common theme with these skids, right?
Back to my original question, in your honest opinion, why do SKIDs in general think that it is okay to try to treat their SM or SF like their personal ATM? And when funding is denied, why do they feel the need to try to destroy their BD's or BM's relationships with their SOs in retailation?
They treat you how you teach them to treat you
...and also how DH teaches them to treat you. Under NO circumstances should you give money to an adult skid - what is in that for you?? My skids never have, nor ever would, receive a dime from me (both adult and < 18...and they are definitely not losers though I don't really care for any of them). That's a hard no.
Your SS sounds like a loser - just ignore him.Your DH needs to back you up. If anyone should be helping out the overgrown brat it is his parents. However if he is a drug user with no personal discipline, he should not be bailed out by anyone. You in particular.
JUST SAY NO AND THAT'S FINAL.
Neither I nor my DH have ever
Neither I nor my DH have ever been my SD28's ATM. She learned quite young that we never would be.
I don't think it would cross
I don't think it would cross my SS's mind to ask either of us for money. He knows he won't get it.
Poor parenting.
Poor boundaries.
Low/no standards of personal conduct.
Poor character.
That only happens if you give
That only happens if you give Skids a PIN number. If you never act as their ATM they won't treat you like an ATM.
Don't bail them out. Wallowing in the stinky pool of crap that they create for themselves is the best learning experience they could possibly be forced to live.
Force them to live it.
If DH is whinning, give him the clarity of the facts of the crap his toxic spawn are living and remind him that he created this and if he keeps doing what he has always done things will not change. Also give DH clarity that you will not bail out the SKids and reward them for their repeated crappy decisions.
My IL clan is much like your Skids. They are always doing stupid shit financially then running to each other for bail outs. None of them can really afford to bail out anyone but... they all seem to do it. None of them will even whisper to my DW or I to ask for help. They know the answer before they even ask and the answer includes a full review of their historic stupid bullshit, corelation to that behavior and why we will not give them a dime, and no... "but... my kids are starving" will not change our minds. Those tear filled playing of the kids cards will just get a deeper dive lecture into the stupid decisions they continue to make. e.g. Tattoos, continued dues paid for their Pool and Beer club, ugrading their back yard rather than making their house payments, etc, etc, etc.....
DH needs to clearly understand the facts regarding his kids and to be forced to live the pain of whinning about your refusal to bail them out.
This is my SD20. But the
This is my SD20. But the blame can’t be all hers. BM had set the expectation that DH is nothing but an ATM and DH had reinforced that belief in the past by ejecting cash whenever they pressed the guilt PIN.
While my DH isn’t what you call a bad person, he does suffer from tunnel vision where SD is concerned. Or short sightedness. Too wrapped in their consequences if he doesn’t pay that he didn’t see the consequences to our relationship if he did. Well I “helped” him out by making it abundantly clear that I wouldn’t be sticking around if those two received another cent without talking it through with me first. You can’t turn the steps into better people, you just set the boundaries of what you’re prepared to live with and only let them through when they meet those requirements.
Luckily no ATMs here
I give what I want. When I want. DH - hes pretty frugal, and will not be pressured to give bail out money, although he did IN THE PAST. NOW it is apparent that SD21 who has no drivers license, no job, failed drug test for new job, yet still gets around, does not need help from dadee.