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Forcing BM to take kids

The Voiceless One's picture

Has anyone ever forced the uninvolved BM to take the kids on the weekends they are due to visit? For example, BM says she can't take the kids and you say "too bad" and make her take them anyways. How has that worked out for you? How do you get BM to keep her commitment and take the kids on her weekends?

misSTEP's picture

As far as I know, the CP cannot FORCE the NCP to take their court ordered visits.

amber3902's picture

You can not force visitation.

According to family law, while the CP can get into trouble for not allowing the NCP visitation with the children, the NCP is under no similar obligation to take their visitation time.

Anon2009's picture

BM in my situation does not take the kids, her parents do. She used them to get $$$$ out of DH and now that she cannot do that anymore, she has nothing to do with them. On paper, it says she will have the kids every other weekend. But she said she didn't want to, so her parents volunteered to do it, and that's how things have been for years. "Forcing" her to take them would have done no good.

The NCP can choose not to take visitation. The CP cannot force them to do so.

If you need a break from the kids, call family/friends nearby to help. Ask if they could watch the kids overnight or even for a few hours. Ask the teen down the street to watch them for a few hours while you run errands (if they are younger). Most teens will jump at the chance to make a little money (even if it is not much).

The Voiceless One's picture

We do have family help out sometimes. It just pisses me off that she can come and go as she pleases and DH does nothing to try to get her to keep her weekend commitments. I wish she would either be consistent or go away for good.

TASHA1983's picture

My son's father was the same way. He played the whole "in & out" bs in the first couple years of our son's life. I told him once he got older and before he was able to understand what was going on that he needed to make a choice one way or the other because I was NOT going to subject my son to a "convenience" father!!! Either they are ALL in or out. Period.

If I were you, I wouldn't even bother with BM in any way. Don't call her or anything, if she doesn't want to be a permanent, frequent fixture in her own kids lives then in reality she is doing you all a favor. It took a while for that to sink into my head but it is really a blessing in disguise. It sucks being a single parent and knowing that the other person that helped make your child is off living their life and doing nothing for your kid or to help you BUT at least you can say you did it all and they had no part in anything good that came out of your situation. We never know what kind of guilt and torture the deadbeat parents have to live with but they get what they deserve!!! Wink

BSgoinon's picture

That's just sad. I don't understand a parent that DOESN'T WANT to see their kids whenever they can. I get needing a night out, or a break. But who refuses to visit their kids? Asshats.

The Voiceless One's picture

I totally agree! It's just terrible because she goes through phases. Either I'm the only motherly figure in their lives or I'm sharing the duties. She's totally involved or not involved and it's so sporadic. It stresses me out so bad :-(.

silver ring's picture

Courts can't make BMs and BDs spend time with their biological kids if they don't want to.
And to be honest..the less time a child spends with an absent father, the better for them. It is not mandatory. These parents brought their kids into this world, but they don't deserve to be called parents because they don't do anything for their kids.

My son's biological mother abandoned him when he was 2 years old. She said she wanted to live her life.
Now...when the kid is trained and on the way to grow up, she wants to be involved. BS! Involved at her own being the Disney mother and parenting out of guilt!

We don't feed her any info about the child unless she asks.

Conclusion...if they don't want to visit or spend time with their kids it is their loss and problems.

RedWingsFan's picture

My DH is dealing with the fact that his daughter, 14, doesn't WANT to come see him because at our place there are rules and consequences for bad behavior and at BM's there's just a party all the time. When SD14 decided she wasn't coming over anymore, DH gave her space and time, then tried forcing her and that was a disaster.

Now BM is taking Dh to court for 100% parenting time and more CS. DH WANTS to spend weekends, summers, holiday school breaks with SD but doesn't want to force her because she's miserable when he does. So, he's allowing her to stay with BM for the time being and will fight BM's 100% demand. Yes, BM is PASing SD as well.

It just sucks because DH WANTS to see his kid, but the fact that BM is the "friend" parent and has PAS'd SD into not wanting to even talk to DH, he suffers.

snowdrop's picture

Not sure what the laws are on the matter but bm used to always ask dh to switch weekends or to help her out finding childcare on her weekends, once he stopped helping she started figuring it out.... maybe with a shot. Though if she wants virtually no relationship with them I'd have to ask why? If she's wacko-doodle or using drugs u might not want to risk it, depending on the kids ages and ability to get help if needed.

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

No. We would not want ss8 to be with bm if she does not want him to be. She takes him questionable places and brings him around questionable people as it is. She is practically a stranger to us and handing ss to her when she wants to see him is scary enough as a parent. She calls us out of the blue and tells us when she wants to see him. We never call her. The only things we have ever forced her to do is to give us at least 48 hours notice before she wants to see ss (because she kept calling after months of no contact to say she wanted to see him right then and then disolving into drama when told ss had tennis or soccer or was at preschool / school or we had plans). We also force her to give us her address - she moves at least 2 times a year- and the full name of her boyfriends, who she always ends up living with, so that we can run a background check.

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

Ss bm also does this. In the past when she was seeing him more often, she would ask to get him and then take him to her parents and leave him there. Her parents would not notify us and she would not call until the next day or hours later. It is very scary to realize that for the last however many hours you had no idea where your child was. It was also upsetting for ss. He told us at age 4/5 that we have to tell bm not to drop him off because he doesn't like it and it make him sad. It was heart breaking. We have no control over what she does once he is with her though.