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Anonymous_stepmom's picture

Hello. I am new here. I have been browsing this forum a couple of months and even though it's sad I am glad to see I am not the only one who suffers or has to deal with step children that are let's say a little less then a joy to be around. This may be long but I do not want to leave any details out so if you can get through all this then kudos to you and thanks for reading in advance.

Let me start by saying that I have 3 children from a previous relationship, One of my best friends and I were separated for 7 years due to his jealous now ex. We have been best friends for 16 years, anyways we met up again after so many years and he was single and so was I, we started a relationship and eventually got married and had a son together who is now one year old. He has two children with his ex, who by the way we get along with, there is no anger etc between any of us.

He always told me and expressed concerns about his kids, how he felt his son has some sort of learning disability and is not mature for his age and his daughter drives him completely nuts, even before we were together he said he was having problems with them so I know that it's not just because we got married or anything. The more these two kids visited the worse things got, it's always hell when they are around, my doctor has actually put me on anti anxiety meds just for the simple fact that his daughter drives me absolutely insane, dad knows this and feels bad about it. My kids don't like his kids espesh his daughter and get really angry whenever she is around, she has done things that are just so unacceptable that she is no longer allowed at the house. I didn't know what else to do! I felt bad at first thinking she's just a kid but then so many people told me I have done the right thing and not to worry INCLUDING their father, he totally agree's that his daughter should not be here and when he has her he takes her elsewhere, it's getting bad though because more and more people are telling us we can't bring her over to their place because of her behavior, even her mom (BM) has told us that some people on her side of the family have even told her that she cannot take her for visits either.

Anyways, there is something seriously wrong with these kids, the other night I spent 4 long hours filling out forms to have them seen by a specialist to diagnose anything that may be going on. Here are some of their traits.

Boy is 8 years old

This stuff has been going on since he was about 2 years old. Persistent whining, anger outbursts (mostly when he does not get his own way), blames others for his mistakes, lies compulsively, physically abusive towards adults, children, babies and animals (he has smacked my one year old son before for no reason and it was so hard he left a mark, he has also abused my tiny poodle before), he's clingy, jealous, swears like a sailor (including vulgar name calling), he is emotionless when he hurts others, like no remorse and just kinda looks through you rather then at you, he does not have the maturity level of a 8 year old, more like 2-3 year old, drops to the floor pounding his fists and kicking his feet when he doesn't get his way, is completely dependant on everyone else for everything, hyperactive, clutzy, this child wasn't even toilet trained until he was 6 years old and it was at my request because I thought it was ridiculous he was still in diapers, his mother and her boyfriend have told me that he has a bed wetting problem although we have never had an issue when he's been here. His table manners are atrocious! He ends up with food everywhere, from the top of his head to his waist, up his arms, all over the floor etc, the kid rather eat with his hands then use a fork or spoon. Oh and 2 other really disturbing things I just found out, at home he isn't allowed anything to drink after 6pm because he goes to bed at 8 and he wets the bed so later on in the evening his mom and boyfriend have caught him drinking water from the toilet, like sticking his head in the bowl and drinking it. Ewww, yuck! I don't know what to make of it! And the other thing that really concerns me is that he's been caught by his mother and her boyfriend beating himself, I don't mean like masturbating, like slapping, punching, pulling on his manhood. That's NOT normal! Or is it? Someone please tell me? I am so worried! He doesn't make good grades, he get's in trouble at school, he has no friends, he slaps around girls and pulls their hair.

Girl is 6 years old

Her father started to notice bad behavior when she was about 3 years old. It's progressively getting worse to the point that no one knows how to handle her, even her father get's super stressed when it's his weekend to have her because he knows it won't be a good one. Persistant anger/outburts that can last longer then 12 hours with no break inbetween, frequent tempter tantrums, disregard for any authority, selfish, obnoxious, annoys others on purpose, slaps herself in the face, ignores simple rules or requests, blames others for her mistakes, lies a lot, cannot keep her hands to herself, always has to be touching everything in sight, physically abusive to others including adults, children, babies and animals, again feels no remorse when she upsets or hurts others, other cares about herself, if she doesn't get her way she accuses everyone of hating her, very touchy with people, like always has to be rubbing on them or seeking hugs and attention, even from strangers, cannot handle anyone else receiving attention infront of her, mean and hateful taking, swears like a sailor including vulgar name calling, cannot stay on task, wakes up at inappropriate times, like she will finally fall asleep around 11 or 12 and wake up at 4am and trash my house, she has also started to poop her pants on purpose.

Now in my opinion the boy has Aspergers and ADHD and the girl has some serious ODD (already been diagnosed I guess, no cure, no medication), ADHD and maybe Borderline Personality Disorder. They have the signs and symptoms.

How does this happen to two children that are siblings? I can see one having a disability but the chance of two is a lot harder to come by. I'm at my wits end, seriously I cry about it all the time, I don't wanna give up on these kids because they can be pretty good kids when they wanna be but those times are beginning to be fewer and farther between these days. I can't have them at my house any longer, not until they are seen and their behavior is under control anyways, I need to protect my kids, my animals and my things. Their dad completely agree's too that they can't be here because they cannot behave, it's just getting worse! They are always hitting my kids, or teaching them bad words and just generally being really rotten. We stopped by their house yesterday for a visit because we were in the area and it wasn't even 20 minutes and both of them were put in time outs because they were not behaving and being mean. We always try to plan fun things for them and his daughter always blows it then ends up not coming with us, his son is better with the listening and complying when we have fun stuff planned, the daughter just doesn't care.

I've been asked numerous times if maybe they are being abused, CPS has been into their home before on 2 occasions and no abuse or neglect was found.

I just want things to be normal! For everyone to get along, to have stress free weekends and I want my husband to be able to enjoy his time with his kids not be worn and tired after the first day of having them, it's just not fair.

Any suggestions, anyone ever had to deal with this sort of thing?

Thanks in advance.

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

:jawdrop: Wow...I am almost speechless. You poor thing. I give you a lot of credit for wanting to stick with these kids. I don't have much advice except they need professional help, which you already know. Make sure they're not alone with your kids or animals. As I was reading, I was wondering if there was some kind of abuse, especially some of the things SS does. Get them to a professional ASAP! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Good luck to you. Please keep us updated on what you find out about them. Hopefully, there is something somebody can do to help!

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

I know, everyone always thinks abuse when I tell them about this, I'm really not sure, I've asked those kids before and they have told me they got smacked on the butt before but nothing completely horrible. There mother has even told me before that she has smacked their butt before but never more then once and it's always used as a last resort when they have exhausted all other avenues.

Part of me really wants to give up, I feel hopeless over it and I feel like it's putting a huge strain on my marriage, I've even told hubby before that I feel like their behavior is going to tear us apart. I feel like I've tried everything on my end as far as trying to make a difference goes but those kids have no respect for me either, they are spoiled little brats and I seriously feel they think I'm a joke. About a month ago I was baking a cake for my son's first birthday, I was taking him to have his photo's done and made a smash cake just cause they make cute pics, well I spent a while working on it, walked away to go to the bathroom and his kid had stuck his fingers in it and taken huge chunks out of it, I was devastated, what was worse was this kid lied and lied and lied for a good 45 minutes, blamed my older son for it, then admitted it, only to take it back 2 minutes later and continue to lie over it. He then slammed the front door into my 8 year old daughter while we were leaving, I asked him not to do it again (because he hadn't done it hard the first time) which he then with all his might and both feet kicked the door into her again as hard as possible knocking my daughter over.

When it comes to his daughter and we ask her why she behaves the way she does she says I wanna be good but I don't know why I do the things I do.

Augh, I'm just so fed up and lost, people tell me I have the patience of a saint, I'm just not sure how much more I can take.

Thank you for your input, it's made me feel a little better. Smile

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

I'm really not sure what their diet is when they are at home although I have seen some of their dinner's when we have been there and they don't look overly bad, they always have a serving of meats and veggies, as for lunches and breakfast I just don't know. However I do know when they are with us his son is not allowed to have a lot of junk, he's actually not allowed to have any sweet stuff just about because his mouth is full of fillings. These are baby teeth. His father told me they basically rotted over night some years ago and no one could figure out why, I quite bluntly suggested bottle rot. He swears he never put his son to bed with a bottle but he couldn't vouch for his ex while he was away at work. Anyways because of this he allows him no sugars etc and the kid really doesn't seem to mind. He also limits what he gives his daughter because he has said before that she will go "psycho". When they are with their mom I really don't know though. Thank you for the link though, I am going to print it off and give it to their mom, it's worth a shot! I have actually mentioned the diet to him before as I have read about it, my daughter has a form of mild Autism (diagnosed at 2 years old) and I've never had these kind of problems with her!

ESMe's picture

Could be genetics. have they had Mental health consults? Could be brain chemical deficency.
Hang in there. Seek out professionals; that's what they are there for. Some of this stuff can be treated.

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

Thanx ladies! I was actually discussing some of the behaviors with a friend tonight and as soon as I mentioned the inappropriate sexual stuff his son has been doing she said it sounded like bipolar disorder, her brother was diagnosed young as well and I guess he use to do stuff like that all the time, it's called something like hyper-sexuality. I googled everything about bipolar in children when I got home and was surprised that both children match so many symptoms. I asked her if it was possible both would have it being siblings and she said yes because it could be inherited, come to find out that their mother has bipolar traits and my husbands brother is also diagnosed bipolar. Apparently it can also be confused with ADHD, ODD and Aspergers/Autism spectrum disorders, all things we have suspected, until now we are re thinking things and going to add the possibility of this in the papers to send to the doctor as well, he can go from there and diagnose as he see's fit.

Anonymous_stepmom's picture

Update: His daughter was waking the entire house up all week at insane hours, she was warned that if she continued to do so she would not be going with dad for the weekend, I sorta think that's an unfair punishment but I also understand that they too are at their wits end and don't know any other way to try and get through to her. Actually she has had lice for weeks and they can't seem to get rid of it and we have told them we cannot take her if she has lice, which she still has so we wouldn't have been taking her anyways.

Apparently his daughter went to school and told a teacher that mommy was mean to her,they called CPS. I think schools are getting out of hand lately with stuff like that. I could understand them calling if she said they were beating her or something but every kid says mommy and daddy are mean more then once in their life. Anyways CPS went to their house, accessed the situation, I believe they went to the school as well and spoke to the child directly, and their conclusion was that she has the mentality of a 3 year year old, that there are def issues with her and they are recommending that her mom put her in a Group Home on weekends. They call it relief. So she can have a break, mommy can have her break and so can dad without the outrageous behavior. We are suppose to meet at their house on Monday afternoon to discuss everything together with the worker.