OFF TOPIC Feeling taken advantage of
Vent begin
For the past few years every time my brothers birthday rolls around (even some Christmases) my SIL always has it in her head to get my brother big elaborate expensive gifts, because she can't afford them on her own she always turns to friends and family for help, like asks us to all chip in for the gift. This I have never had an issue with and it has always been expected of me to chip in a "fair" amount. For instance, last year I chipped in 100.00 even though I expressed it was steep and didn't even know if I could afford it.
This year she has decided she wants everyone to chip in again and she wants to buy him a laptop. GULP.
What I think is unfair is she will expect me to chip in again NO less then 100.00 but when my daughters birthday rolled around (just passed) what she wanted was a little expensive for me, espesh just after Christmas and I thought I should do what she does, it seems to work out well for her E.V.E.R.Y.T.I.M.E. So I asked my mother and her husband and my SIL and brother if they were interested, they happily agreed. I went ahead and told them how much the gift would come to with taxes and they said it was fine, I bought it, my daughter loved it and then SIL and my mom gave me the money they were putting forth, between them this was 50.00. I know I should be happy it was anything at all but I still ended up paying more then 3/4 of the gift myself.
I know what will be expected of me next month and I also know SIL will be asking me if I mind putting the entire purchase on my CC and collecting the money from others. Actually YES I do mind. It just dawned on me, this was really unfair when I always pitch in so much more for the gifts she buys my brother and she only wanted to give me 20.00 towards a gift that was 240.00?
I'm so over this and so not being taken advantage of again.
I'll also be telling her I cannot afford to charge my credit card again right now after "as it stands" I'm in the hole a few hundred because of the last purchase she basically begged me to make for her and haven't seen a dime back yet.
Some people may say I'm too generous, maybe..... Others may say I'm naive, this I know..... Some even may say it's pure stupidity, probably a little of that too..... I just know I refuse to be taken advantage of again, not anymore.
Vent Over
I know I mentioned my
I know
I mentioned my feelings about it to SO and even he said he has noticed how it never seems to come full circle for me. I feel so stupid I didn't realize this before now, and this incident happened like a week ago!
Like last night my mother was asking me what my youngest daughter wanted for her birthday (DD11 and DD9 have birthdays 2 weeks apart, it's her birthday today matter of fact). I told her what she wanted and that it was around 35.00 with taxes. Her response? Well I only spent 30 dollars on DD11 gift so I'm only spending 30 on DD9 gift. Are you freaking kidding me? Why even ask me then what she wants?! UGH!
Good Lord - it is a $5
Good Lord - it is a $5 difference! WTH???
Just tell sil when she asks
Just tell sil when she asks that you already bought brother's gift so you will pass this time.
Say that everytime, after a while she will stop asking. As far as the credit card, just say you need the money up front.
You need to learn to say "No"
You need to learn to say "No" without feeling guilty. It was a lesson I had to learn and it certainly makes you feel free after you do it. Just say "I can't do it." No explanation needed.
Ok, for one thing she can use
Ok, for one thing she can use her own card. If she doesn't have one then she needs to get one of those loadable ones to use for her credit card purchases.
You are not the bank!!
Secondly, you have to eventually just tell her you are tapped out. Tell her you are not able to contribute more than whatever it is that you can afford and that you feel is fair.
I've noticed that some people get this entitlement thing going with gifts and chipping in on gifts for diff family members. My bf's family does that. It's ok. But no one has ever asked me about my bday!
And honestly, I don't have an extra $100 to put in on a gift for someone else's kid. Esp after this last year when I didn't even have money to buy my own daughter a gift, a cake or a card even.
You just need to stand up for yourself and put your foot down while being polite and gracious. And smile.
You can either just decline
You can either just decline each invitation to fund her giddy giving, or you can confront her and lay it all out why you aren't contributing any longer and stop asking.
I had the same issue with my sil. Is buy for my neices birthdays everyyear. Nice gifts. She NEVER aknowledged her niece and nephews (my skids and bio son) on their birthdays. After a few years of this I was gettin g really irritated. Then last year, she texts me at 530 as I am getting out of work that they are having a party for niece for her birthday at 6, and we could swing by to bring her present.
So needless to say I haven't bought anything for their birthdays since. If I am not good enough to get an invite to the party, but a text saying when to bring my gift, then I am done. We invite her every year to the kids birthdays and she's always just too busy. But I am expected to drop everything and run a gift over to her on half an hours notice.
I still buy for the girls for Xmas, but sil didn't get anything for her neice and nephews this year. My guess would be as retaliation for me not bringing gifts for their birthdays. But she only ever got dollar store stuff for the kids Xmas gifts anyways. Even left the price tags on them.
Some people just only see things from their own perspective.
Thanx girls, you are right.
Thanx girls, you are right. You are also right that I am made to feel guilty, not that I automatically feel guilty but that she will say something to MAKE me feel guilty and often asks 20 questions when it doesn't go her way. She also throws a double birthday party for both my brother and my nephew, I'd rather just buy my nephew something. My brother isn't a materialistic person and he doesn't "EXPECT" these expensive gifts either, matter of fact he get's quite irritated when she goes out of her way and buys such expensive things for him.
This past Christmas she bought him a xbox, it was used and less then 30 days later it broke, she wanted to get him a new one, then she decided she not only wanted to replace the xbox but wanted to get him a PS3 as well, she was trying to enlist me to help her with this, I thought it was ridiculous and so did my brother, I dodged that one like the plague.
Matter of fact my mother wanted to do this very same thing at Christmas for my grandmother, she wanted to get her a flat screen tv but it HAD to be a 32 inch or bigger and a certain brand for some reason. She complained my nanny's tv was too small, 13 inches in her den although this does not bother my nanny in the least and she has a perfectly good 22 inch downstairs in her basement. I told her I could probably pitch in 50.00 for it if she was that hell bent on buying the tv, guess this wasn't good enough for her as she never ended up doing it as she expected me to pitch in at least 100.00. My nanny would have made a big deal about it anyways because she suffers from Dementia and never be able to learn how to use a new tv and remember how to.
Oh and to add insult to injury my mother called me last night and asked what SS9 wanted for her birthday, I told her what it was and where to get it and that it was around 35.00 with taxes, she says "Well I only spent 30.00 on SS11 gift so I'm only spending 30.00 on SS9" Okayyyyyyyyyyy why even ask me then?!It's only a 5 dollar difference.
She can only MAKE you feel
She can only MAKE you feel guilty if you Allow her to. So she says something, big deal. Your bother knows you love him and you thought of him on his birthday - why does what greedy SIL say matter to you? So she's asks 20 questions - start asking questions back - Why do you buy him this stuff when he says he doesn't want it? Why are you trying to make me feel guilty? Why are you such a cheapskate yourself? Why do you think it's okay to "borrow" money from me and not pay me back?
I don't know what your family size is but there's always the story of "We're only buying for the kids now - we can't afford to buy for the whole family every year."
You can't change other people - you can only change yourself and how you react to them.
Not a chance would I agree to
Not a chance would I agree to put it on my card. I have done this in the past and it NEVER works out. And I seriously don't get why other people would pitch in for her husband's birthday gift! Siblings usually give each other b-day gifts when they are small. It teaches them about giving. But that generally stops as they get older and it become the job of spouses and gf/bf. I suggest telling her that both your card and wallet are maxed from Christmas and leave it at that.
You know, I thought of that
You know, I thought of that too earlier when I was talking to SO. I said I thought it was weird that she wants everyone to always pitch in for her husbands gifts. What I also think is weird that I just noticed is that when any of our birthdays roll around we get nada, not even a card and sometimes not even a birthday wish. Not that I expect a gift or anything but it's just weird right?
It also dawned on me while discussing it with SO was last year the gift she got him she asked me and SO to pitch in 100.00 which we did although money was so tight for me at the time, I now realize that seeing as I am the one who obtained the gift for her and had it shipped here from the states and knew how much it cost, between SO and myself we paid for MORE then half that gift as she had 3 other people other then herself and myself and SO pitching in on it.
She has even mentioned to me before about things she would like and wishes her husband would get them for her and why doesn't he ever ask me to help him get these things for her and if it's too expensive to just do what she does, she always tells me how unromantic he is because he won't do things like that for her but now I wonder if maybe he just doesn't do it because he feels it's no one else's responsibility?
Don't get me wrong I really like my SIL but these things about her I've just realized and it's super irritating over how wrong I feel the whole thing is.