All FDH's adult kids and grandkids spend the night on Xmas eve......
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
I adapted to this tradition that was their's for 2 years- because "this is what I have always done since we got divorced. BM has kids on Xmas eve and they come straight to my house spend the night and we wake up and open gifts" his stepson is 26 with a 7 year old who has to leave by 10am to go to her moms, SD22 has a 4 year old and a 2 year old, SD16 and my bio 9.
Every year FDH's stepson uses us for a babysitter and goes to the local bar, comes back wasted and and is rude, unpleasant and uninvolved on xmas morning.
It's mass chaos thats all rushed, everyone ripping open things at the same time, it's loud and it looks like a hurricane blew through my house in 5 minutes when everything is done and shit is everywhere.
I hate, hate, hate it. I am honestly mourning and grieving my quiet, calm xmas mornings with my bio where I can watch her open gifts and drink coffee in my jammies and enjoy MY daughter on xmas morning. Of course I just focus on my bio and take pictures of her etc when everyone is there but it's far from what my norm was.
I talked to FDH this year and said this is enough. Your grown kids with their own families need to do their OWN xmas morning and come over at like noon. I said when I moved in I had no idea that my traditions and what I enjoy about xmas morning goes out the window bc only your traditions matter??? Bullshit. Enough is enough. I want my own xmas morning with my bio bc I only have a few precious years left of her being a "kid". Of course Sd16 will be there bc she's not an adult and doesn't have her own family- thats fine. BUT ADULT KIDS WITH THEIR OWN FAMILIES NEED TODO THEIR OWN SHIT AT THEIR OWN HOUSE.
FDH promised he would talk to them and tell them, he even said he assumed SD22 would do her own anyway bc babydaddy is out of jail this year......
I've asked him multiple times if he has talked to them- each time, "no not yet but I will......"
So I asked him last night again- SD22 and FDH's stepson ARE planning on coming over right from XW's house- which last year they used their own fucking key to get in bc we weren't even home yet from celebrating with my family.
FDH just didn't have the heart to tell them not to come, bc it's his kids too and he wants to see them on Xmas morning too and it's so last minute now... :jawdrop: - THATS NOT WHAT WE FUCKING AGREED ON. I'm so mad, so angry that my wants and needs and shit he agree's on is null after he talks to his kids and finds out their plans.
Now he's back peddling saying he will call them again and tell them never mind we want our own, he wants to bring me lunch at work, texting me all sorts of I love you's. I HATE him right now. I'm just enraged and sick of all this shit. What a big fucking mistake
Help me- what the fuck do I do now????? I feel stuck, I thought about going to a hotel but that would confuse my bio and she wouldn't enjoy that. I thought about going to my sisters but her boyfriends family is going to be there that morning. My parents live out of state, and FDH is begging me to just do this ONE more year pleeease and he promises next year will just be us. FUCK HIM
26 and 22, and spending the
26 and 22, and spending the night on Christmas Eve?! Why would grown ass adults even WANT to do this? I don't blame you, this sounds like my idea of hell on earth. Could you and your daughter get up early and open presents together before everyone else gets up? I'm sorry you're still having to go through this, with grown skids nonetheless
We tried last year and and
We tried last year and and SD22's kids get up at like 5, I even thought of doing our own little exchange on xmas eve but it still fucks up MY tradition and FDH's kids come at any random time on Xmas eve, plus we have church at 4 and go to my grandma's straight from church........
I get it, but the thing is,
I get it, but the thing is, my bio enjoys his grandkids bc they play and love each other and are close- she doesn't see it as a bad thing, I DO. I miss the old days.
And Thank you, this is the type of advice I need bc when I calm down and eventually talk to him I need to plan what I'm going to say bc I get so flustered I forget and end up yelling and forget the good one liners I had planned! lol
1) Change your locks. Slip
1) Change your locks. Slip the new key onto DH's keyring and he will likely never notice. That ends the skids just letting themselves in.
2) Do not back down. He has had his 'tradition' the past two years, you get your 'traditions' this year and next, then alternate years to keep things "fair".
3) If his kids and grandkids make that big of a mess/ that nasty, when its his year to host, take your daughter to your parents house and spend the night.
My parents live out of
My parents live out of state....
I really have no place else to go on Xmas morning with my bio- I'm also hesitant on uprooting my bio from our home on xmas morning which is making me even more confused bc I don't want to be there but my bio does
Do you think he's looking at
Do you think he's looking at this as a stepdad and not as a SO? If he is, creating, memories with/for his stepkid, may never come ahead of doing the same for his bio grandkids.
If he feels this way, he should have just said so from the start.
Why is he still your FH?
Let him know they won't be
Let him know they won't be allowed in until noon. He can either have them knocking like crazy on a locked door for hours in the cold, or tell them they aren't to come until noon.
I did, and I do....And no i'm
I did, and I do....And no i'm not worried about him not marrying me! LOL TBH we are far from talking that walk down the aisle......
Of course I freaked out, and now he said he will call them and tell them no, OF COURSE it's all gonna be my fault and I ruin xmas. He wants them there I don't. He was supposed to talk to them never did and now he "feels" bad. I don't give a shit. He wants one more year, I don't. I don't give gifts and stopped contributing to grandskids gifts as well. They are mooching off FDH and ruining my xmas.
I totally get it and I know what you are saying. It is complicated Beaccountable. SD22 and her 2 kids live an hour away so they just stay the night so they don't have to drive over in the morning...there is always an excuse that FDH falls for and "feels bad" We have had a rough few weeks and this is the icing on the cake......He just doesn't get it
OP, who ownes the home you
OP, who ownes the home you live in? If it's your house, then just say no. If it's his house, then you may have a problem.
It's his house- he pays
It's his house- he pays everything. It's not even that, I'm angry and disappointed he betrayed me AGAIN by telling me one thing and doing another.
I'm hot tempered. I freaked out last night when I found out and refuse to talk to him today. He's texting- I need to figure out what I'm going to say. I do feel like this is a hill to die on bc just like someone else said- he's more worried about disappointing his adult kids then me. He is the one that puts me in a f'd up situation and makes me the "bad guy"
I really don't care I'm the bad guy either way
Well. Ummmmm. I am all
Well. Ummmmm. I am all confused about who is who, BUT, I think that the drunkin loser should be told he can't come over. Sounds like he is the real problem. So why don't you call him and tell him that.
Really the issue should have been addressed by whoever is related to and responsible for this man LAST YEAR.
Good luck & I am sorry your holiday gets ruined like this. Sounds awful.
Well. Ummmmm. I am all
Well. Ummmmm. I am all confused about who is who, BUT, I think that the drunkin loser should be told he can't come over. Sounds like he is the real problem. So why don't you call him and tell him that.
Really the issue should have been addressed by whoever is related to and responsible for this man LAST YEAR.
Good luck & I am sorry your holiday gets ruined like this. Sounds awful.
It's ex wifes bio that FDH
It's ex wifes bio that FDH helped raise- it's the only father he knows so he is included in everything even though him and FDH aren't that close and had a strained relationship growing up. He's a huge loser and jumps from couch to couch until he is kicked out. He has never been allowed t stay at our house bc him and FDH don't get along that well but he is more then happy to stink up our couch on Xmas eve.......
I think the biggest reason the adult skids spend the night is because like I said, then THEY don't have to do their own Xmas morning for their own kids...makes no sense to me
omg this is crazy i can't
omg this is crazy i can't image doing that age the age they are.... i would take your 9 yr old daughter on a beach vacation for christmas and make that "your" new tradition. open present early and then leave! go away for christmas to a nice warm beach i bet she would love it she is at the perfect age to do this. i think this would be fun if you are able to do something like this.....
OMG, I would love this )
OMG, I would love this
Awesome idea- my pockets may not agree though.......
Yeah I know that is a tough
Yeah I know that is a tough one cost wise but what about a more affordable option like hotel for a night that has a indoor water park....work your way up to a flordia beach vacation over time......i always thought it would be fun to leave town and celebrate christmas in warm place....
go ahead and let him tell his
go ahead and let him tell his kids that he and you are doing something different this Christmas and that you and he will not be having visitors until noon. and, tell him you expect him to stand by his agreement to you and if he feels bad, that maybe he'll think next time he intends to blow you off. make him honor your agreement. not your fault he pissed around so long TRYING to trap you. you teach people how to treat you. so teach him. if you're the bad guy, so what. it just shows he is honoring his wife.
This truly sounds like my DH.
This truly sounds like my DH. He hates disappointing his kids more than anything in the world. It's been hard on me, and his kids are really not bad people. I even like them most of the time.
My DH has a really bad habit of just assuming that I will understand when things are difficult and sacrifice my wants and needs so that he doesn't feel bad. I made the mistake of doing exactly that, so I couldn't really complain when he continued to do that. But then I did have a discussion with him when he hurt my feelings, went back on his word with me, made changes to our plans without consulting me, etc. And it WAS a conversation about why is it more important to please someone else than to please one's own spouse?
Example, we had been planning to attend an event for MONTHS. Talked about it frequently. Bought tickets. The week before the event, the date slipped his mind and he made other plans to hang with his buddies. And he seriously thought that if I just invited a girlfriend to said event that I'd be fine, and everybody would be happy, and he'd save face with his buddies. Apparently breaking a promise to ME was less painful than admitting he made a mistake about his availability to do something with the boys. We had that SAME discussion about keeping his word, honoring his wife above all others, and why in the world it is so easy to let down his wife than his pals. Turned out he went to that event with me and the world did not end. And he is still friends with the pals he had to change plans with.
Is your FDH's expectation that you'll just go along to get along? That is exhausting, and I promise you will lose yourself in that sort of relationship. YOU have needs, wants, expectations. And the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with must honor those things. I'd want to know why he places such little value on your needs and wants.
Very, VERY well said! My
Very, VERY well said!
My husband will willing sacrifice MY feeling for everyone else's. Everyone else feelings have always been more important - at MY expense.
I have to say it's the most miserable, painful, lonely and frustrating thing I have ever experienced. Sadly, I've put up with it for many, many years hoping it will get better, but it never does.
Like I say to him "everyone matters ...... except me".
I would advise you to leave. It hurts so much to be the only one who doesn't matter. I wish I would not have gotten into this mess.