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Can’t get along with my gf’s son

MM1900's picture

I’m 30 yrs old and my gf is 28. She has a 5 yrs old son. We have been together for 2 years and 4 months. I love her very much and we base our relationship on respect. I’m Asian and she’s American. We debated about disciplinary methods often. 

The problem that we have is that I’m very stern with her son, I have high expectations on his capabilities at his age. To me teaching him to be respectful and likeable is very important at this age. He’s able to get dressed by himself, clean up his room, put dirty clothes in the hamper, brush his teeth and get ready for school, getting cereal / drinks, eat on his own, have good table manners, respecting property, say please and thank you and slowly learning new languages (all under supervision of course). When he’s with me, he is a perfect child, when he’s with his mom he’s the opposite. Very emotional, disrespectful to her, acts like his 3 yrs old, doesn’t know how to do anything on his own, doesn’t listen to me, acts like I don’t exist. We do a lot of fun things together. Whatever he wants to do or play with, if he was being respectful then I would play with him. Sometimes we have great time together laughing and learning new things but most of the time he makes me crazy. Over the years, his behavior has truly improved dramatically since I’ve disciplined him. 

I don’t know if he’s like this because of me or because of his family situation. He might needs his mom attention because his mom is co parenting with his father. His father has a gf. We do not have visibility into how he’s disciplined at his house or how acts with his father’s gf. His father and his gf seems very good with him and showered him with a lot of attention. 

I don’t know what to do. I always have bad temper with him because when he’s with his mom, it’s like a different child. He would glance at me if he did something wrong and then lean to in cuddle his mom like “my mom is here so, I can do whatever I want and she will protect me.” One moment he is playing and laughing with me, the next, when his mom is around he will cry for no reason, he will say that I’m mean to him and that he doesn’t like me or that he doesn’t want to live in this house. 

I admit i have a very short temper because living with this everyday truly makes me crazy. I love my gf very much so I want to make it work, but just don’t know what to do. Yell at her son less? Let him do what he wants? Ignore him? Avoid him? I don’t have a child of my own and I don’t know how to react to this. 

Any advice? 

MrsStepMom's picture

Do not date someone with kids. This site should prove that. If you happen to, having the same views on parenting is the most imporant thing. You will do nothing but live in misery otherwise. She isn't on the same page as you and clearly won't be. You don't say if you've discussed this with her, but even if you have, do not expect her to change it now. Cut your losses and move on to someone without kids. Save yourself the misery.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture





ASHCAR's picture

I’m in a similar situation and have left the house after 11 years, now I don’t know if I should go back and work it out once again Bc I love my family or accept the fact nobody is changing and stay gone. When I’m there I want to leave , when I leave I want to go back and just deal with it. You’ve only put in a few years. If I had it over to do I would more than likely left the first time she put my hands on me in front of the kids. And for grounding step son from his phone Bc he disrespected his mother. They are now 17 and 13 and they are just bigger with bigger attitudes and treat me like I’m a nobody