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I’m confused, I don’t know what to do anymore...

Marzoe666's picture

About a couple of weeks ago I found this site and posted my first blog, I was honest and very blunt about how the SD annoyed me and how the SS is a drug addict.  I had a problem about her sleeping in my bed when I didn’t stay home, you know with my partner her dad. I thought you guys gave great advice so I summed up the courage to bring it up to his attention.  I was calm and collected and I told him I don’t approve of her sleeping with him when I’m not home, she’s already going through mental, physical and emotional changes.  She already menstruates is what I’m trying to say, lol! He seemed to have just listened and said ok no real answer or reassurance.  I come home today and I find her blankets on my bed which tells me she slept with him.  I’m upset I confronted him and he said he doesn’t care if she sleeps there when I’m not there.  So it leads me to assume he’s saying he doesn’t care about my feelings doesn’t care about anything I say.  I’m soo frustrated and upset and it’s not her fault it’s his fault because he’s the one who needs to build that healthy boundary.  I want to scream!! Am I fucked?? I’m 6 months pregnant with his child idk how to walk away specially since it could mean like a stupid reason to anybody else.  The fact is that I don’t like it and I disapprove and he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. Help!! If I’m being a psycho bi$&@ I also need to know...

Comments

notarelative's picture

He doesn't care if daughter sleeps with him when you are not there. Is DH the one who is afraid to sleep alone?

I think I'd ask him if there is an age or stage of development when he would not want SD to sleep with him. Since he doesn't consider the onset of menstruation a stopping point, when, if ever, would DH consider that this behavior crosses over into impropriety? Will this be ok when SD is twelve? Sixteen? 

 

 

 

Marzoe666's picture

Honestly I think I’m in love with an idiot, he has no common sense he has a Masters In human behavior and yet this doesn’t faze him.  I’m afraid he’ll say that it will never bother him and then I’m the idiot for tolerating and staying.  I don’t know how else to express my discomfort now I’m upset at him and completely annoyed and he’s acting like nothing happened.

Marzoe666's picture

No it’s not business and it’s a couple times a week I go to my elderly mothers house to care for her, I don’t neglect him and I’m aware this won’t be for long.  I take care of too many people his kids my son and him and I’m just asking for one thing, just respect my decision and feelings.  Idk what else to do if things will only get worse how can I manage that??? If I have no say in the situation it feels like an ultimatum her or me and it’s not that sounds ridiculous. Ty you for your advice I appreciate it.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

I agree with want2. Also people only treat us a certain way because we let them, if there are no consequences and we are a pushover. Also we do have a responsibility as parents and step parents to stick to some societal norms, some are there for good reason. I would leave, but everyone had different levels of tolerance etc.

susanm's picture

Want 2 has a point on the "or else."  He obviously does not find your annoyance to be enough to make him change the behavior.  My suggestion would be to make the consequence fit the situation.  If you return home to find that she has slept in your bed. he must change the sheets and wash the blankets/comforter before you will sleep in it again with him.  If he has to take an actual action as a result of letting her sleep with him, then he will have to evaluate just how important it is.  And the "ick" factor for you is reduced.  I would also take your pillow with you when you leave to go care for your mother since just changing the pillow case would not do it for me on that!  

tog redux's picture

Yep. Let him know what will happen if he continues to allow SD to sleep in the bed with him.  For me, it would be setting up my own room in a spare room and no longer sleeping in the bed with him.  I might sleep with him if he washed all the bedding after she slept there, because I will not sleep in a bed after someone else's sweaty, farting, bleeding kid has slept there.  But let's be honest, how many men are really going to do that.

If he won't do that, then SD can sleep with him permanently and I'd make SD's room my room (that is, while I made my exit plan).

CLove's picture

Doesnt he consider that the marital bed is your, ahem, "intimate place"? Where the marital shenanigans happen? That co sleeping with a pre-puescent child who has her period is just gross?

Boundaries must be created and enforced, with consequences. If he is doing this now, it will escalate if there are no consequences.

DH stopped cosleeping with munchkin when we started our relationship. She was 8.5. I think she still cosleeps with BM, because there is no room of her own over at BMs apartment.

shamds's picture

Even my husband finds this disturbing and my skids are sd 23.5, ss21 and sd14.5. Our bedroom is the room he is ripping my clothes off and fu*king me in.... he doesn’t want kids in their period. Obviously our kids as infants to toddlerhood fair enough but nope no skids.

my ss was 19 and decided at hubbys family home to lay on our bed and lay there as i got out of the shower and stared at me.

i gave him evil eyes that said “get the f*#k out now!!”. Seconds later hubby comes in not realising his son had invited himself into our private room. While i am getting dressed ss knocks and before anyone can answer he just opens the door. 

Hubby told him off what the hell. You don’t just knock doors and walk straight through and this is our private room you have no business in. Seriously ss thought he could argue with daddy and force his way in to get his bags.

hubby placed them outside and warned him

none of my skids respect boundaries which is why i refuse any relationship or contact wirh thEm

Marzoe666's picture

I’m going to try the tactic someone here awesomely suggested, tell him that if I find out she’s sleeping in my room he’s gonna wash the sheets before going to sleep.  He hates doing chores or anything in the house period so I hope that turns him off.  Or should I confront the SD?? Am I already the bad guy anyway, I just don’t know how to do it without sounding like a bitch or making it seem like I’m jealous cuz it’s absurd lol.

Winterglow's picture

 How does he think bm would react if she knew her daughter was sleeping with him when you're not there? He must be aware that it could start WWIII ... That might just shake his ideas up a bit.

Marzoe666's picture

They’re both careless and neglectful.  When I first got the kids they were 3 and 7 on a drug case against their mother, malnourished and poor hygiene.  She wasn’t a great example  of a mother and still doesnt prove to be responsible for the kids and it all comes back to my partner who doesn’t enforce any rules with her either, doesn’t take visitation serious because she never takes the kids never buys them anything, she works and apparently is sober but it doesn’t show.  She wouldn’t care that her daughter is sleeping with his ex are you kidding me! Haha she would probably encourage it.  I have completely distanced myself from the kids now because they’re like their parents, careless about the home a bout rules and boundaries.  It sounds like I’m just complaining and I should walk away from the situation if I hate it that much but I’ve invested my heart and soul into this relationship of 8 years, I still have hope silly me...

Siemprematahari's picture

I’m upset I confronted him and he said he doesn’t care if she sleeps there when I’m not there.  So it leads me to assume he’s saying he doesn’t care about my feelings doesn’t care about anything I say.

Since your H doesn't care about your feelings and dismisses your request I would politely tell SD that you would appreciate her not sleeping in your bed and that she should sleep in her room. Tell her she's at an age where she needs her own bed and space. You really don't owe or need to give her further explanations. If your H doesn't like that you spoke to her well he should have stepped up and addressed it. I'd also tell him whenever he dismisses my wants/needs/ and requests that consequences will follow.

Your pregnant with a baby on the way, you want to be comfortable and stress free as much as possible. You need to do what is best for you.

Marzoe666's picture

I need some advice, i stay home with the step kids while my partner works I clean I cook I like an orderly home. Here’s the problem, one of thousands... we agree that I should cook to save money so I make him breakfast and I make dinner and I would say that I’m a decent cook.  The SD plwill pretend like she doesn’t see I’m cooking and start eating ramen noodles or endless bowls of cereal and then acts surprised and acts shocked when dad gets home.  Like omg I didn’t know there was food... are you fucken kidding me.  So then him and I eat since I no longer like to eat at the dinner table with the drug addict SS or the prepubescent SD.  When we’re laying in bed like past nine she’ll message him to go take her to get junk food which obviously pisses me off.  I tell him that I’m not cooking  anymore and to stop being such an enabler, dinner was cooked and she rldeclines to eat all day or night so he shouldn’t be rewarding that behavior.  My partner I’ve said before is a weak parent, never says no or   Actually disciplines. She doesn’t say one word to me all day and when he gets home she tries to go in my room and get on my bed and it just irks me so much.  I pray that God softens my heart towards her but it’s not changing she annoys me so much.  Should I continue cooking and let him continue to buy food or say something?  I feel like  everything she does bothers me.

Ngordon's picture

Well he definitely needs to set boundaries. There is no reason SD should be sleeping in your bed at this age. He is basically telling her by his actions that when you're not home she can do whatever. This encouraged behavior will continue when other issues arise. I feel for you. I'd be freaking  furious! It sucks that he's not being considerate of your feelings. However, you should stand your ground even if it causes an argument. You don't want the frustration to turn to resentment.  If you need to bring it up a thousand times that you don't like your SD sleeping in your bed then bring it up a thousand times until he's sick of it. Like the saying goes...a happy wife is a happy life.