It gets better when they’re adults....
I literally used to believe that my two SSs would grow up (mentally) once they got older. Bahahahaha how naive of me.
Recently the oldest SS (23) graduated college and got a job, IN ANOTHER STATE. I was rejoicing. He asks his dad to help move him approximately 4 days before he needed to. Always on top of things. I get so angry because everyone in my husband’s family is just acting like he’s living a life of hard knocks, giving him all sorts of stuff. I feel like I need to remind them he’s making a great deal of money just starting out and he probably doesn’t need to be taking pasta out of our pantry. Maybe I’m bitter because I work in social work.
Well. I was wrong. He’s been moved for over a month and has made the 5 hour trek home approximately 6 times. This past weekend he sneaks into our house drunk at 3 am with his girlfriend and crashes in his old room. Husband gets mad at me because I’m pissed about it. I’m supposed to be ok with it all. I also have a 3 year old. Pretty awkward.
Just found out tonight he’s driving back home again. I’m so fed up. He won’t clear the crap out of his room. He wants to leave it so he can always come and go here. He’s awful to be around, has the most negative attitude and just expects meals and laundry to be done for him. I literally don’t know how he has a GF, job, or anything for that matter. Husband won’t do anything about it. I’m ready to pack my stuff.
Boundaries
Learn them. This is nuts what you are going through. Talk to hubby and then make a plan.
Where does his girlfriend
Where does his girlfriend live? If she lives in the town 5 hours away where he lives, then I am completely stunned that a 23 year old college graduate with a good job would drive home 5 hours each way 6 times in a month. That's craziness. Now, if the girlfriend lives near you, then I suspect this will be going on until they break up, she moves closer to him or your husband puts his foot down.
I think you need to tell your husband that you didn't sign up to live with an adult child, because if SS feels free to come and bunk down with his girlfriend in his own room any time he feels like it (and it sounds like it's once a week for a couple days), he's more of a part-time resident than an occasional visitor. Also let your husband know that if SS being there so often is not acceptable, then certainly SS coming in drunk at 3 am is not acceptable, and that you will not be preparing food, doing laundry or cleaning up for him.
Do you have family nearby that you could stay with when SS next arrives? Maybe your husband will get it if you and the 3 year old just leave when SS comes. He may then take you seriously when you let him know that you'll leave for good if it happens more than once every couple months.
His girlfriend still lives
His girlfriend still lives around here and she lives at home still. Her family are super religious so them going there is not an option. They also dislike him. No surprise there.
Psych Out!
I thought your post would be an engouraging story of relief, like, How It Got Better. Just seeing what I want to see...
I know. If it’s any solace, I
I know. If it’s any solace, I definitely don’t see them as much! That’s a plus
Older SDs don't get better.
Older SDs don't get better. Even when one of mine IS a stepmom herself now! There is something wrong with their thinking, with stepchildren thinking, in which it becomes ok to blame and shame daddy and to hate the SM for, well, adulthood, I guess. That Bio Mom and DH couldn't make the marraige work. That life happens and there is grit sometimes. It's so self-indulgent; this isn't a three year old with leukemia, this is just a grown-ass woman acting like a 13 year old mean girl. Age cements the process, doesn't correct it. But the best part is, when they are living on their own, you don't have to do anything with them.
Adult, and I use that term
Adult, and I use that term loosely, skids are parasites, not that the younger ones aren't but after 18 and still taking is beyond aggravating , hopefully for you he finds a life in his new town.
If you have a spouse who is
If you have a spouse who is not a spineless doormat the adult years can be great. I haven't seen SS33 in about a year and a half even though he lives about 15 minutes away. And if I can help it I will NEVER lay eyes on him again. He just does not exist in my life.
One thing that would really
One thing that would really tee me off is the bringing the girlfriend home and shaking up in his old room. Time to let the DH know that there are motels for that. I am certain you didn't allow that kind of carp to happen when he was still at home so why now.
Yep... that caused ME to put my foot down... piss everyone off..
... and started the beginning of the drama that ultimately, thankfully, made certain that (hopefully) SK22 will never come back to my home. It's been almost a year and praise be to God everyday I don't have to see the little jerk.
Never in a million years would I have even FATHOMED pulling that having sex in my parents home. I was married before I would even think of it..
But, happily that was the beginning of the end of him wanted to come here because I woudn't let him sleep with his little tramp in my home. Of course, I'm a crazy *prude*. You know what? What if I was. The moral of the story is I didn't want to have to listen to teenagers having sex in my house. Was he going to stick around and wash his sex-stained sheets... yeah, right.
Ultimately, I told my husband, and his child. If XYZ (girlfriend was your daughter or sister would you be okay with this? Because, I'll tell you what... you give me XYZs mother's phone number and we'll have a little chat. If she lets the two of you bone like bunnies in HER home you are welcome to do so in mine. Crickets... it worked!
As soon as he wasn't allowed to fornicate in my home he didn't want to come around anymore... at 19 when you are just starting to have sex and you think that's what the world revolves around you can't go anywhere without your "girlfriend" and you can't go ten minutes without being all over each other.
Yuck. Just plain yuck.
H.
My PARTNER'S WORTHLESS SON'S
My PARTNER'S WORTHLESS SON'S friend has come to the house. He has been made VERY welcome by me.. .... The friends all know that THEY can come to the house but my partner's stinky worthless son CANNOT come to my home...I am laughing my head off inside...
My relationship survived as I took MYSELF out of the equation with him and his kids in the U.K.
Best thing I ever did .