I need help....
I think there is far too many issues and too much back story to type. What I will say is I’ve known my stepson since he was 18 months old. He is now 5.5 years old. His mother is awful. And he’s a brat. I don’t know what to do.....I don’t like him. I don’t approve of his behaviour in any way. He’s an only child at his mothers and one of 6 at our house. He just doesn’t blend in well. Everything has to change when he arrives and it’s ridiculous! I feel horrible. I feel like such a bad person because I honestly just don’t like him. I cringe when he’s comes in the door. I’ve tried every strategy I can think of to make things better. To no avail. It’s bad enough I’m considering ending my relationship. I don’t think I can live this way forever. I just don’t know what to do?
Does your SO or spouse see a
Does your SO or spouse see a problem with the kid?
I don't think you should feel bad. If the kid is a problem, he's a problem, so put that to rest. I came from an intact family with three kids. My sister was and still is so difficult. When she was there as a kid, it changed the dynamic for everyone and nothing has changed now that we're all adults. So don't feel as if you can't call a spade a spade.
I don't know what you've tried to abate his behavior, so it's hard to give you advice. Why not tell us what you've tried and how your spouse feels about and maybe someone here can tell you what they've tried.
Hello! Yes my spouse does see
Hello! Yes my spouse does see a problem with his behaviour, but I think also feels guilty, so doesn’t parent him! He’s 5.5 still hits his dad, refuses to share anything, has made comments that he wants the baby to die, lies constantly, refuses to do anything asked of him, throws things down the stair on purpose...the list goes on. From the minute he arrives until he goes home everything has to be about him. He cannot or will not play alone for even 10 minutes. As I mentioned before. I’ve known him since he was 18 months old, so I’m not a new person in his life, nor is our situation. We did move house, but he has his own room, all decorated to his liking filled with toys. So....I have tried calmly talking to him when an incident occurs, redirecting him. Taking him places with just him. Making sure he and dad have one on one time over the weekend. Including him in things he asks to do with the baby. Consequences....when he throws his truck down the stairs it gets put away. I realise this is a very shortened version of events. The war 2.5 years with him has been hell. By the time he leaves at the end of the weekend everyone is at their wits end. My spouse included. But nothing changes.
The problem is that
The problem is that "eveything has to change when he arrives". He needs to adapt to the family.... not the other way around.
The rules are the rules and he abides by the reasonable standards of behavior for the home in an age appropriate manner. The same for the other 5 kids.
Not rocket science. Stick to the basics, confront his choices to not abide by the household behavioral standards, and if he fails to integrate... stick him in a corner with his nose in contact with both intersecting walls, swat him on the butt, and leave him there.
He will learn or he will suffer. Either way... he should not be allowed to disrupt the normal flow of the household. That is the beauty of the corner. He is out of the way and doesn't pollute the rest of the family.
You nailed it Rags. He
You nailed it Rags.
He either learns to fit in with your family or he doesn’t but things don’t change just for him.
Now this only works if DH stands behind you and supports you in this.
But what do you do if the kid
But what do you do if the kid WONT STAY in the corner? What if the kid screams and fights and comes out the corner and WONT go back?
Put him in an isolated room,
Put him in an isolated room, close the door, and leave him there. If he leaves the room lead him back into it, close the door, and leave him.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Let him have a melt down for as long as he chooses. Ear plugs help.
The lather, rinse, repeat is critical.
He will spaz himself into a deep sleep eventually. If he hyperventilates, cries himself into a puking fit, etc, etc, etc... so be it.
Eventually he will learn. Do not try to calm him, do hot try to hug it out with him, etc. Teach him that these fits get him nothing but isolation.
Good luck.
I watched supernanny for tips
I watched supernanny for tips on time outs. I recently started giving my 2 year old time outs. The first time I had to bring him back at least 20 times and it took nearly half an hour for him to sit stay there for 2 minutes. Eventually they realize you mean business. He now knows the drill but he hardly needs them now.
At a certain point you have
At a certain point you have to accept that you and your husband would benifit for professional help in how to handle this child. With 5 other children I imagine you have good strategies for them but this boy seems like he needs something different. Your husband also needs to wake up to his responsibilities and get serious with his parenting. Time to reach out for help. If the boy acts in similar ways at school/day care then a good place to start would be his teacher and see what advice they offer. If he is much better behaved at school/day care then that shows you that he knows how to behave well but that your home is a place where he has learnt it is ok or even advantageous to act out. The teacher might be able to help with that too. Next step would be the boy’s doctor and then maybe a parenting class or a behavioral specialist. At his age it is possible to change his path forward but you and your husband need to work hard at it and be consistent in a unified approach. Even with the influence of a mother and another home with different expectations and rules children can learn to adapt their behavior to their environments pretty well.
If your husband is unwilling to put the leg work in then I am not sure there is much you can do on your own.
Set some rules and tell DH to
Set some rules and tell DH to follow them also, or take his brat and move out!
Seriously, put your foot down and tell this 5.5 brat to join the team or take his ball and go home!
THIS!!!
THIS!!!