Boundary Issues
Before I get into my question, let me give some back story:
I live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years (and have for 2 years). The only reason we are not engaged/married is due to money. We live as though we are married, and the kids as well as our respective parents view it that way as well. I have a son of my own, he has twins (1 boy, 1 girl) - All are 7 yo. The mother of the twins left when they were 9 months old, causing my bf to file for divorce and full custody which he won. When the mother abandoned her babies, my bf was at a loss and fell into a funk (understandably), so his mother stepped in to help. She tends to be the let-me-make-your-life-easier-by-doing-everything-for-you type, so she moved in with him and began taking care of (ie raising) the twins. (She moved out when they were 2 or 3)
When I came along when the kids were 4, my bf had already been taking steps to transition the gm relationship to less of a motherly role and more of a grandmotherly one. She resisted this and often made him feel guilty and as though he was "taking the kids away" from her. To keep waters calm, he would let her do her thing. This invovled her buying them anything they want whenever they ask, teaching them what SHE felt was right/wrong, good/evil in the world, and taking them to their mother on her visitation weekends. (It is also important to mention she has VERY STRONG religious convictions and does not allow ANYTHING that differs from her view such as - but not limited to - anything that involves a different religion than Christianity, things she considers to be "evil" and "of the devil" which includes unicorns, yoga, Halloween, magic, and she even went so far as to tell the kids there was no Santa because she felt it took away from the reason to celebrate Christmas.)
I made it known I had issues with the level of involvement she had in the kids lives as I felt she was very much taking a maternal role instead of a grandmother role as she should. It also infuriated me when she would tell the kids things were "of the devil". My bf agreed he felt she crossed the mother/grandmother boundary but because everytime she's asked to change a behavior, she plays the victim and says things like "Since I'm such a bad person, maybe I shouldn't keep them at all" and do such a guilt trip, is hard for my bf to stick to his guns.
My question (finally) is this: How do I help my bf set and stick to the boundaries he and I have discussed and agreed that his mother needs to have?
Thanks!
Kristina
I'm sorry to hear about your
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It definitely sounds like a nuisance, and one that your boyfriend unfortunately created for himself. His mother sounds like the classic Catholic mom (is she?). My grandmother is the same way.
As far as what YOU can do to help him stick to the boundaries: not a whole lot. It sounds like you're talking about it with him, which is a very good first step. But as the previous poster stated, it is ultimately his call and his responsibility to step up to his mother. I think a good tack to try is to support him without making it too pushy. Something like: She's your mother, and that's never going to change. She may be mad at your for a little while if you ask her to stop doing so much, but she loves you and the kids. You are a good father and you can do this without her helping you all the time; I will help you. I know it's been hard and it seems ungrateful for you to put up boundaries for her, but it's not. She's their grandma, and she's always going to be their grandma. But she is not their mom, and that's okay. She may never let it go and may bring it up for the rest of your life, but she's not going to disappear from your lives even if she threatens it. She may just be a little hurt, and I know you don't want to hurt your mom. She will get past it though, really. You just need to talk to her, and you need to follow through, or she will always be the boss of your kids and they will not respect YOU as their father.
I dunno. I agree that you need to think about whether or not this is the kind of relationship that you want to be in. If mom is calling the shots, I doubt that will change. Many men, and especially one that feels so indebted to his mother, tend to bend over backwards to avoid confrontation with mommy. You could easily turn out looking like the bad guy here.
I have nearly the same
I have nearly the same situation. Read some of the replies on my posts. There is alot of good advice on this site. STICK TO YOUR GUNS! It is up to your BF to set the boundaries with your (MIL). Honestly since my MIL crossed the line, I have not allowed her to get to me (well at lest not as often as she used to) and she claims she is sorry for all that has happened. I need to see that remorse in action though, and that has not happened yet. Stay tuned, and I will be checking on your posts to see how it is going.