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Venti's picture

What tips do you have to prepare to move in together?

I've been with my BF for 2.5 years and we're at least 1.5 years from moving in together but I feel we need to be taking some steps now to ensure it has the best chance of working when it does happen. My children will have left home which would leave his daughter who is currently nearly 14. She is only with him alternate weekends. I would move to his town but definitely NOT into his current house (which was his home with his ex). 
 

Right now I have absolutely no relationship with his daughter. If I go to his place, she is at her mothers. I don't know if it's intentional to avoid me or just how it works out. If she is there, she is in her room the whole time - I might see her for 2 minutes in the hallway. We never do anything as a group - not even meals. We never speak more then "hello". It is weird and uncomfortable. I think it is beyond shyness. 
 

The situation with my kids is the total opposite. We all eat together, go on outings or even just the supermarket together. My kids will get involved in our conversations and generally treat him like he belongs. 
 

I can't live with someone (even if just weekends) who is a complete stranger to me. I'd never feel comfortable or relaxed. I don't want or need to be BFFs but able to have a casual conversation, hang out in the same room, eat a meal are basics for me.

Am I wrong in wanting this?

SteppedOut's picture

She is purposefully being cool so you feel uncomfortable. Honestly, do not cohabit unless she changes her attitude or launches. My guess is she will be "sad" if her dad sells the home, but you are 100% correct to not move into that home - you should get an "ours" home, otherwise it will always be "dad's house".

Honestly, even if she does launch, if she acts like this, it will still be a struggle. How does your bf handle her rudeness? Does he make excuses or does he call her out on her bs? 

Venti's picture

He's "talked" to her once about being rude. But he contradicts himself. First he says he's going to make her come out of her room and engage, then he says "she's like her half brother". I have told him I'm done with the excuses. He said he was going to work on it a year ago and the only thing that has changed is I see her less. It's time for action or I will leave him. It's his choice now. He will have her next weekend and then the one after I'll go to his house and see if there is any change. 

Harry's picture

With SD like this.  If he sells the house SD will lose her mind. """ how dare you, throwing her out of her family home """

waite until she out.  If SO really wants you, he will do something.  Make sure you get a new home.  You don't need BM ghost fooling you around.  She picked out everything in that home and you have to deal with it. 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

You had these same complaints about SD almost a year ago and were going to leave if SO didn't make some changes. It doesn't sound like he has made any changes. I wouldn't move in with him until she leaves home.

Venti's picture

Yes I did. And I'd decided I would not move until she left home. But now I'm at the point where I don't want to be in a stagnant relationship for another five years while she finishes school and that's IF she launches at 18. So he's been given the hard word - work on her or I'm out. He says the right things but the actions don't always follow so now I'm calling out every inconsistency and every excuse he makes. 
 

But the point of this is to see if my expectations are reasonable and to get advice on what I should be asking for. 

SteppedOut's picture

You are absolutely being reasonable and don't let him (or his family) gaslight you into thinking otherwise. 

Now, while you are dating and before you move in is the time to see if it can work out - that is exactly what dating is! Sure, it might stink "starting over", but why force a relationship that you ultimately will not be happy with/in?

notsurehowtodeal's picture

He has had almost a year to make changes and has done nothing. Please, do not move in with this man - you will regret it. And no, none of your expectations are out of line. But, there is nothing you can do to make SD change her behavior - only SO can do it.

Rags's picture

You have already wasted years. You re planning on wasting years more.

Nope.

Nea

You are a quality person and quality parent who has raised quality children.

Your SO, isn't any of these things. Not a quality person, has not raised and is not raising a quality child, and in fact does not shut his toxic child's behavioral shit down and heep it shut down.

By the time you actually start this relationship sans failed family spawn, you will have let any number of actual quality candidates pass by.

Don't do that.

You have to believe what people tell you with their behaviors and choices.

IMHO, if you are wrong about anything, you are wrong for remaining in this relationship. You have incorporated him into your life. He has not incorporated you into his. Wrong guy.  FIx it by cutting he and his toxic failed family progeny loose and move on to a new life adventure with this failed man behind you..

Take care of yourself.

Good luck.

Lillywy00's picture

She could just be an introvert. 
 

Plus most kids aren't going to initiate conversations with adults especially if they're introverts. 
 

I wish these stepkids here would stay out of my way and holed up in their rooms but no, they gotta be pinging all around the house like pinball machines and trying to engage me in long nonstop conversations about nothing when I don't feel like chitchatting
 

Just plan some stuff, like a weekly meal together, and invite her. Just be prepared to take the initiative since most teens have to learn this skill. Also as she gets older it will be less "I can't want to hang with my parental units" and more "I can't wait to hang with my friends"

At the end of the day you cannot force relationships so just ease into it  

The good thing is you'll only have to deal with step kid stuff every other weekend.
 

The bad news is, you won't be able to tell if your DH has a 'normal' parenting style or if he's going to be operating out of guilt/treats his daughter like a mini spouse until you spend significant time with them. 
 

If you move to be with him KEEP YOUR REAL ESTATE ASSETS just in case you move there, realize it's not what you signed up for (a lot of maladaptive divorced parents will pull bait and switch convincing you to "lock in" with them only to discover they want a free live in nanny for their bad a$$ kids) and want to get out. 

Venti's picture

Yes, she is a little introverted but still took a job on a fast food restaurant! Her mother is very introverted and so has allowed her to hide away. And my BF admits he is a permissive parent so has not encouraged her. My D18 has diagnosed social anxiety but is sociable now after years of work on both our parts so I'm never going to just accept that it is "personality".

He says he's willing to work on it and this time, I've set deadlines and consequences. Just this week he has reminded her that she needs to say goodbye when leaving if she has been speaking to the people there and asked her to bring in the recycling bin (having recognized that he never asks her or expects her to do anything!).  I guess I just need to know that what I'm asking is not unreasonable or unrealistic. Do I need to adjust my expectations or can she get to being a person that is actually pleasant to be around?

Lillywy00's picture

Me personally, I'm an introvert and just remembering the teenage years for me I had to learn how to develop my extrovert side which didn't happen until I went off to college (didn't have parents forcing me it was on my own accord). 
 

When you want to change the their habits, start with the foot in the door technique (small requests ex. respectfully greet your elders daily; then build up to 'bigger' requests ex. 2 hr meal one-on-one) then reward them (praise, publicly bragging on them to your family, stay up an hour later, etc so they'll be more likely to accept your request in the future

Also, I consider introvert personality similar to that of cats. If they think you want something too bad, they rebel against it. But if you use "reverse psychology" you have them thinking your request is their idea. If you keep doing what you're doing, making things welcoming/inviting her to events she might like/showing up for her when she needs it/providing gentle yet firm when necessary step-parenting......I think she will come around.  

Rags's picture

Do I need to adjust my expectations or can she get to being a person that is actually pleasant to be around?

While the "Lower your expectations so you won't be disappointed." philosophy is always an option, I am not a fan.

My preference is to establish and enforce standards of behavior and standards of performance for kids in the family home, and even after they launch.  The family and everyone else should not suffer  because of a difficult individual. Regardless of why that person is difficult.

IMHO of course.

While the introvert/extrovert balance can be a challenge, it is the whole that must be the priority for the parents leading that family unit.  Address the needs and basic support of the individual ... .within the context of the family unit.

This will often put a greater onus to adapt on an individual than it will on the whole group, but.... such is life.

Though not an introver/extrovert thing, my personal experience with this basic concept had to do with how I was parented Vs how my parents parented you younger brother. I am 6yrs the elder.  Due to growing up in an Expat environment where school went through 9th grade we had to go away for HS, the differences where blaring to me when returning home for the winter and summer breaks from school. If I had not been away, it probably would not even have registered.

One visit home I was floored when my younger brother got disrespectrully lippy with my parents. I would have been "killed" and my body disposed of had I pulled that with mom and dad. Figuratively of course.

After standing by for a few minutes of my little bro being lippy, I asked "So, when are you going to kill him?  You would have killed me if I had every even asked a clarifying question much less talked back like he is."

Mom and dad and my brother went dead still and silent. Then mom and dad started laughing. They said that I was right then they closed with one of my favorite parenting of little bro memories. A memory now more than 40 years old.

"You are right. Your brother owes you an eternal debt of gratitude for teaching us how to parent." We all laughed, I shook my head and offered to kill him for them.

All jokingly of course.

I was the one who had to shift perspective to the new full time dynamic that I was no longer a part of ... full time anyway.

Upon occassion when we are all together I demand that my baby bro pay on on his "eternal debt of gratitude".  We all laugh.

 

 

IDontCare3117's picture

Don't compare your DD and SD in how they handle their individual issues.  Don't compare your kids to her at all.  

I'm going to play devil's advocate.  SD may have some type of social anxiety, she may be introverted, she may simply not like you.  So what if she took a job at a fast food restaurant?  That may be her own way of taking baby steps toward coming out of her shell. She is a product of her raising, whether that raising has been entirely adequate remains to be seen.  Now you're coming in hot making demands on how your boyfriend handles her and how she should behave because that's what YOU want.  In the words of the immortal Rolling Stones, you can't always get what you want.  I'm hearing an awful lot of you, you, you.  This girl's personality is pretty much set for how she is going to be.  It's not up to you to try and change that.

Setting deadlines and consequences for your boyfriend hasn't worked and isn't going to work.  Cut your losses and go find a guy whose parenting style is more aligned with yours.  Or better yet, find a guy who doesn't have kids.  

 

Venti's picture

My list:

Tell us if you're not coming on set weekends. Or not having dinner when you're here. At the moment she turns up at will and will bring dinner home from work even though he's cooked for her.
 

And ask if your friends can come/stay. It's never going to be a no but it's nice to be asked and to know if there are other people in the house.

No meals in the bedroom. If it requires crockery and cutlery it is eaten in the kitchen, dining room or living room. If it's a snack, bring out the rubbish.

If you're home at dinner time, we eat together even if it is in front of the TV.

Rinse your dishes or put them in the dishwasher (if there is one) and wipe the bench.

Add to a shopping list if something runs out.

Say hi and general "how are you?" when you come in not a grunt as you rush to your room or just nothing. I've had to tell my 32 year old sister that it is rude to not say good morning back when I've greeted hee in MY  home just because she's in a bad  mood!
 

When you wake in the early afternoon and creep from your room, go out and say hi. I've been quiet to accommodate your sleep so would like yo know you're up.

Say goodbye when you leave the house. 

Unreasonable?

IDontCare3117's picture

These are all rules YOU want for a house you don't live in!!!!  You and your boyfriend aren't even thinking of moving in together at this point. She doesn't need to tell you if she's coming over or not.  She doesn't need to ask you if she can friends over.  Dinners together are great ... as long as everyone actually wants to be there. 

This girl is not a lump of clay you get to mold into whatever you want, and make her bend to your will. I read your posts back to back to back.  You've had issues with her from the beginning, and those issues have turned into you outright disliking her.  I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual considering how little she is willing to interact with you. 

If her dad, your boyfriend, wanted to change the status quo, believe me, he would.  Eventually he's going to get tired of you harping on his kid and you won't have a choice in whether or not you are single again.    

Venti's picture

We ARE considering living together and these are the standards I would require IF that is to happen. If he doesn't start to implement some of this, I'm leaving the relationship. I have no intention of waiting another 2 years for him to start parenting instead of permitting.

I've made it very clear to him that HE needs to decide if these are things HE wants as well. If they're not, fine, I'm out. Obviously I don't need her to tell ME right now if she's coming or not but getting into the habit of telling HIM would show that cohabiting might work. 
 

Most people here are miserable because they haven't put the groundwork in before moving in together. I'm trying to do that groundwork and seeking others' thoughts on what is acceptable. Thank you for your contribution.

IDontCare3117's picture

You first posted in 2021 and you said you'd been with him for about a year at that point.  You had the same complaints about her then as you do today.  Obviously your boyfriend doesn't see a big issue otherwise he would alter his course.  Again, if the status quo bothered him, he'd change things up. I think he's already sent a message to you, but you don't want to accept it at face value.  

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I think an every weekend visitation schedule sucks. And the fact that it is inconsistent but you would still have to keep any weekend plans on standby in case she decides to visit double sucks. Also, does he still live with his mother?

Those issues would be deal breakers for me. As far as changing SD's behavior, as in the way she interacts interpersonally - i don't think that's doable. Being respectful and contributing as far as cleaning up after herself is prob the best you will get. Getting a place where there is more privacy from the mother may be a compromise as far as that goes. 

Venti's picture

Every weekend is hard but he's been better at giving me one weekend each month and asking her to confirm her plans ahead of time. It's definitely baby steps - tonight she was asked to let him know if she decides to get dinner at work - guess we'll see if she does communicate.

Winterglow's picture

Does he realize how pathetic he is, giving all the decision-making power to a 14 yoHe's the one who should be making the decisions, not a child. If she doesn't give any sign of life, you should go out together. I hope she doesn't have a key to the home. Two grown adults shouldn't be putting their lives on hold because of an inconsiderate teen.

DPW's picture

Deja vu?

Seriously.

Ask yourself why you are trying so hard to make this work? Be honest with yourself.

Survivingstephell's picture

Would he accept this behavior towards another adult? A teacher? A family member?   I don't think you are asking for too much but I don't think these two will be able to deliver.   Parents who have kids that CAN respect adults but allow them to disrespect the person they are dating are just wrong.    Any excuse they use to excuse the bad behaviors shows they don't respect you or the relationship.   
 

I say get out now, get some therapy to find out why you put up with it and then start again.  The odds are in your favor that you would find a better fit. 

walfredo's picture

One of the books I remember reading talked about the different roles people would play in the process.

It stated that only 2 people in the situation have any sort of vested interest in the success of this project.  The parties not choosing to make this change could be anywhere from uninterested and uncaring, to downright angry and wanting to see it fail.

The key to making that situation work, is that the 2 people with a vested interest in this succeeding have to accept that the burden lies on them to work together to make the others more comfortable, and over time they can hopefully "blend".  Some estimate this takes on average 7 years to happen...

So my tip, would be to not expect/demand certain behaviors from anyone other then you and your partner.  This does not mean you can't have reasonable rules/boundaries respectful behavior. But it does mean you can't require them to be happy about the change, or force them to seek out a relationship with the new person thrust into their life.

TheRealHouseWife's picture

My mom used to date this guy, whom I did not like for other reasons, but neither of us would speak to each other unless it was absolutely dire. She used to always tell us to say hi to him a d not act like he wasn’t there, but I used to tell her the same thing. If he isn’t acknowledging me or doesn’t have a welcoming energy then I’m not going out of my way. The problem was, neither of us was going out of our way, so it stood that way. My advice, maybe just take the plunge and initiate any type of conversation, invite her out with you even if you know she won’t go. Sometimes it’s hard with girls. It took my DD a while to open up to her dad’s girlfriend.

TheRealHouseWife's picture

My mom used to date this guy, whom I did not like for other reasons, but neither of us would speak to each other unless it was absolutely dire. She used to always tell us to say hi to him a d not act like he wasn’t there, but I used to tell her the same thing. If he isn’t acknowledging me or doesn’t have a welcoming energy then I’m not going out of my way. The problem was, neither of us was going out of our way, so it stood that way. My advice, maybe just take the plunge and initiate any type of conversation, invite her out with you even if you know she won’t go. Sometimes it’s hard with girls. It took my DD a while to open up to her dad’s girlfriend.