Improving behavior
Forums:
I could do with opinions on whether I expect too much and if not, some ideas on consequences for poor behavior so I can make some suggestions to my SO on dealing with his D13.
The issues:
- She doesn't speak to me and she'll only mumble to him if asked a direct question. I don't expect full conversations but I don't think a "hi, how are you?" is unreasonable. He says they have great chats when I'm not there so it's definitely my presence.
- She barely leaves her room if I'm at their place. This probably helps her avoid talking to me but I find it awkward to not see her at all during a weekend. I'd actually like her to have at least dinner with us or go for a walk or something! Again, not trying to be best friends but at least civil.
- She eats in her room. Breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks all grabbed from the kitchen and straight to her room. I don't think food should be in the bedrooms at all but if she is allowed to do that, she needs to bring out the plates and rubbish.
- She doesn't thank anyone for anything. There is no acknowledgement that someone has cooked or bought her food. My kids say "thanks" after every meal. I've bought her a few things and there has been nothing. He even complained that at Christmas she didn't thank him for her gifts.
- She doesn't help with any household chores. She watched us struggle to open the door carrying groceries inside. On another occasion she came out of her room, grabbed what she wanted from the bags and walked back to her room. She doesn't do dishes, laundry, feed her cats. Not a thing.
- She never tells him if she's coming or if she's going back to BM's. In the school holidays she comes and goes whenever she pleases. I find the uncertainty annoying and expect some notice!
He's on a deadline to prove he can make some positive changes. It won't all be resolved but if there is no progress I'm not staying in this relationship. I see it as a complete deadend if I can't bear to be near his child!
So, why go to their place?
This solution is obvious. Exit this toxic multigenerational shallow and polluted gene pool situation and enjoy your life with a far better partner than this one.
Do not serve your own children on this sacrificial alter to blended family martyrdom.
So... has anything changed
So... has anything changed since your post last year??
He’s finally opened his eyes!
Essentially I gave up going to his place - I've been three times this year. A couple of weeks ago he asked why and I told him I felt uncomfortable there and told him exactly why. He then brought her to my house for a brief visit and saw first hand how she won't talk to me. He acknowledges he has allowed her to be this way and has promised to step up as a parent to improve her socialization skills. I told him I didn't believe he would since nothing has changed all year. And that's where we're at. I'm willing to give him a chance to make the changes he has promised but I am equally committed to moving on if there is no improvement. I don't want to be in this holding pattern for a minimum of 5 years till she leaves home and I've made it very clear I won't live with her as she is.
Please don't waste any more of your time.
And even one more second is a waste of time.
He has failed as a father and as your partner. No more chances.
Move on. Before you lock into something far harder to exit.
Even if she moves away…
She won't go away! She'll just be an adult behaving like a child... Younger Step Moms think things will finally change when skids turn 18, leave for college, move to another city... Respect for others - even if you don't care for them - is learned in the formative years of a child's life - along with other social manners. It's plenty obvious when parents have failed instilling these qualities and all you have left is a bad attitude lurking around vacuuming down snacks that you get to financially support and TOLERATE - or not! Good luck, Sister!
To be quite frank. Does his
To be quite frank. Does his child have some developmental issue that she is getting treatment for? Is she the same with all other people? her peers? at school?
She could have some severe social anxiety.. but her dad is being borderline neglectful to not get her any help if that is the case.
That being said.. she doesn't have to like you.. or love you.. or even want to hang out and do things with you.. and at that age.. many kids are avoidant of their parents and parent aged people in general.
But.. she should be taught good manners.. be able to get through a civil meal with you (and other adults).. and be able to display appropriate behavior when around people other than her father.
If she is unable to do it.. she needs therapy.. if he is unwilling to insist on civil behavior from his child.. that's a HIM problem.
as to her come and go schedule.. she obv must be communicating somehow.. but yes.. he needs to try to insist on some level of adherance to a schedule.. and if you and he have made plans.. her wanting a last minute switch doesn't mean he should be breaking them/
Yeah, we have a no eating in bedroom policy
And your SO definitely needs to enforce this house rule. I would get upset when dishes would run low and all of them were in Sdnow23 Feral Forgers room. She was the boomerang child.
I cannot fathom not having and enforcing a schedule.
Generally people like this. Don’t learn.
One of my sons has a gf like this, never says hello, goodbye, thank you. Mumble mumble, the first year I thought "ok it's new relationship awkwardness around family." The second year I thought "hmmm shouldn't we be beyond this by now?" By year three I stopped acknowledging her, yep that feels weird, but not as weird as greeting someone and getting a blank look. When my son had been with her about 5 years I stopped including her in any invites and gently suggested my son attend family get togethers without her when possible. He seems to enjoy himself more as well. Oh and I stopped giving gifts to her girls who I treated equally along with my own granddaughters. That stopped when they too began to not say thank you or acknowledge me.
Time for.... a lather rinse repeat when these types make an
Time for.... a lather rinse repeat when these types make an appearance.
"If you cannot engage respectfully you are not longer welcome in my home or family. Understood?" This has to be said directly to the perpetrator with your son present.
IMHO of course.
Thank God he did not pollute your/his gene pool with this person.
Oh my... this situation
Oh my... this situation sounds awful. My ex SS was a hostile little sh&t to me at age 21 - I left that situation. His dad could never see how badly his son treated me. I am hoping your partner will take some action now that he has seen how she acts toward you. I would proceed with caution, though. I highly doubt she will launch when she is 18. I'm thinking she may be a lifer with her daddy and he may not have the backbone to set a firm plan and follow through it if she doesn't launch. Again, from experience, my ex SS had no plan to launch at all. He wanted to live with daddy. I don't know if I would waste much more of my time with this relationship to be honest. Even if she shows progress, I would worry that she would fall back into her old habits if you all became more serious and moved in together/married.
If things improve, I would insist that she keep a schedule of her comings and goings and did some chores as well. This will help her learn responsibility. Also, I would put a stop to eating in the bedroom.
You can try to make things work, but part of me agrees with Rags. It might be best to leave before you are in too deep. I wasted 9 years of my life, holding on to promises of change and believing that my feelings were my own fault because I was "selfish" and "not a real parent." Please don't make the same mistake.