I have decided to disengage from SD27
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Any suggestions how to keep the DH calm during this transition? We have been together for 20 yrs and SD lived with us from 7 thru 19. I just can't take her anymore and after years of reading this site, I decided to disengage. I don't want to make too much a a too doo about it because other than the SKIDS we rarely disagree. I also want to protect our D13. I believe SD will turn on HS if she disagrees with or doesn't want to hear SD rant about how horrible I am or was. SD has been subtly calling my D spoiled and dropping little comments about how "she never got to do anything as a kid" That is a flat out lie by the way and it wasn't my job to entertain her but I did.
Disengaging from a adult step
Disengaging from a adult step is fairly easy as you just start finding excuses to not be going to her house or the smaller gatherings in her honor such as dinner with Daddy for her birthday. You don't feel well or have other obligations or whatever seems reasonable.
In larger gatherings such as Christmas you just stay friedly while casually breaking off any contact that may accidently be made such as her joining a group you're with. If she tries direct communication with her once again remain friendly but don't engage in discussions or counter what she may be saying if you feel she's trying to make trouble. Just say "Oh please excuse me" and off to the bathroom. Repeat as necessary.
When she is coming over to your home you find an excuse to not be there or you greet her cordially and disappear to do something else. Play with your kid, work in the garden or do some research on the Internet.
Of course everyone will catch on after awhile and if your husband confronts you and objects tell him the truth. Don't argue with him, it takes two to do that, just tell him its a done deal and you're not going to discuss it in depth any more.
DH has agreed that it is too
DH has agreed that it is too stressful for SD to stay with us when she visits. Thank god she lives really far away and only comes to town once in a while. SD finds the need to badmouth me within earshot and it is sooooo hard not to engage. It seems hard to disengage completely because her visits are so intense and jammed into one horrifying week. She struts around like the queen of the manor and tells everyone how it is and what to do blah blah blah. She even shows us how easy it is to get our dog to do tricks...barf. Dog is smarter than she is. She also spends every second with a camera shoved in our faces and does not respect the requests to please stop. SD recently continued to take pics with flashes at HS horse lesson after everyone including other parents and teacher asked her to stop. I was mortified my BD13 was trying to be polite but was also annoyed and distracted - not safe on a jumping horse.
I know I probably overreact to a lot of SDs antics but she has been so awful for so long I just can't stand her anymore. I really wish I would have started sharing a few years ago, I finally feel in control of my happiness and will not let her take my power away anymore.
I did it last year with my 36
I did it last year with my 36 yr old SD. My DH caught on rather quick since she was in our lives so much. He threatened divorce if I didn't re-engage. I said fine, let's get a divorce then. He had to eat his words since we are not divorced. She has shown her true colors but DH stil hangs onto the hope that she doesn't really mean anything by her mean actions. It will be a bumpy ride if your DH is anything like mine and wants a fake happy family, at my expense.
Stick to your guns, it will get better. It has been just over 1 year for me now. If I have to be in her company at all at a function, I am polite - the same I would be to a co-worker or acquaintance. No personal chatting or disclosing any personal info is paramount. Smile, be happy and don't let her under the surface. Good Luck!
Avoid talking about SD as
Avoid talking about SD as much as you can. If her brings her up in conversation, just say oh, or uh huh and change the subject. DO NOT DISCUSS her too much. It is too volatile and emotional for DHs to acknowledge their little princesses might actually be evil witches.
I am so happy I decided to
I am so happy I decided to vent here. I don't have to fuss at DH and can finally get some support about all the evil things she has done to me. Why didn't I disengage earlier?!?! I feel bad for her hubby, I like him but will not be able to talk to him much now. Oh well I'll live. I am sure she will correct the way I disengage and tell me I did it wrong.
OP - go for it and just stay
OP - go for it and just stay calm. I disengaged from my Twit after Christmas last year. Just backed off from doing the things I use to do for her, never brought her up, never got in a discussion about her. When DH talks about her I mumer "umhum" and go on with what I was doing.
And yes, he has gotten upset that I changed my dealings with Twit, but too bad. It got to a point where it was my health and my marriage - whether I was going to stick around and take stuff from Twit just to be nice.
Life is much better. It isn't easy but keep at it. And when you get upset and need to talk....come here.
let me know how it goes, my
let me know how it goes, my DH doesnt know Im doin it yet with SD21. He will threaten divorce as well. I dont give a shit
There are a lot worse things
There are a lot worse things than being divorced...like being married to a ball-less Daaddeee!
DH brought her up today and I
DH brought her up today and I got all pissy. Bad habits die hard. He was all like whoa where did that come from? I told him I had ptsd from her last visit and we shouldn't talk about her ever again. He said oh okay and changed the conversation. I think I can do this! Just keep it light and remind him calmly I'm done with her.
Sounds like your DH
Sounds like your DH understands and will support you. If that's the case this will be the best thing you've ever done. But even if he does a turnaround when he knows you mean it and have started to put it into practice, stick to your guns, it may be a bumpier ride, but it will still be the best thing you ever did. Life is far too short to have these narcissistic women in our lives making sure we remain in a constant state of misery. If I had to choose divorce or sd. I'd choose divorce in a heartbeat.