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One month today

Venti's picture

My poor SO has one month from today to get some improvement in SD12's behavior. I want her to:

  • Speak to me instead of mumbling or ignoring me or not leaving her bedroom, 
  • eat dinner with us rather than in her bedroom,
  • let him know in advance if she's coming or not coming and then actually stick to it,
  • say thank you
  • help out a bit (like open the damned door when we're loaded with groceries and help out them away!).

I'm not expecting miracles but there needs to be SOME progress. I've had one foot out the door for a few weeks now but I've been lenient because participated in a major sporting event yesterday. He can't use the excuse that's he's been too busy training to put the effort into her now!

Do we take bets on whether I'll be dating again come September? I'm trying to hold myself accountable by making this public!

Crr18's picture

Good luck. From my experiences you will be dating. He may act like he is improving but if like my SO he will slip right back.

Someoneelse's picture

I mean are you out the door if behavior doesn't improve or are you out the door if he doesn't make an effort to fix her behavior?  

My DH has been trying for YEARS to improve sd's behavior... but as long as her behavior was validated by BM, she was never going to change... and now at 17yo (that's 11 years of bull$#!t from sd)  I've come to the conclusion is just her personality trait...

Stepdrama2020's picture

Dating can be fun. I predict this wil be your future.


ETA I just glanced over your other posts. Seems like this is a theme of SD. High chances that she aint gonna improve. You will just get bitter. Id ditch this because better is on the horizon, but it wont be if you stay. 


Venti's picture

SO has covid. So in the first five days of the month time limit he has not been able to work on any of the issues.

We had a discussion about it last night. He knows there is a deadline. I reiterated what I needed - quality time and not feeling like the least important thing in his life!


This was after he suggested a weekend together because he had checked with BM and SD that that weekend works for them. I declined and said again, he is putting their wants and needs above mine and just fitting me in.

I also asked if he had raised with BM a potential change to their arrangement - he was going to ask instead of every weekend he has EOWE and one night during the week. He hadn't raised it even though they'd been on the phone!

So he put on his big girl pants and texted her about it this morning and the agreement is "if he wants a weekend with me, he checks with them then SD can still go to his place because his mother is there". So exactly like now!


And I got to hear all the same excuses about SD's rudeness by him copying me BM's texts. Essentially she's not rude or completely incapable of being social, just "at that age" and just like her half brother. But if he reminds her to say hello she will!


If only you could see me rolling my eyes right now!

Rags's picture

He should not ask. He tells. No discussion, just directives to his X and their failed family progeny.  They fit into his life as he stipulates. Not the other way around. He is hte NCP, as such, there is no consequence for him declining visitation. There is consequence for him to invoke if BM refuses to surrender the spawn for his COd visitation. He needs to grow some balls.

Where  is this "mans" testicular fortitude?

CLove's picture

Because children. The children allow the BM to control these men. I had this convo with Husband the other day. If Toxic Troll wants to affect him in anyway, until kiddo is 18, she can use her standard "your a terrible father" "skid only puts up with your horrible wife because she loves you" "do you want to lose skid #2 like you lost skid #1?" "Ill just file for full custody and move away and youll never see skids again".

He discribed it as her "kicking his left n@t around, whenever she wants to, because skids."

As a childless person, I dont have that understanding of a bio parent. But I see how it affects him that he fell into a crazy toxic troll and how sad it makes him when there is conflict.

Thats the bio parent power and how "easy" it is to manipulate and control another bio parent simply by activating the "parent" zinger. 

Rags's picture

breeding induced cowardess so many NCPs seem to suffer from.  I also am insulated from it as the SO of the CP in my blended family world.  With the added position that our life under the CO had long distance visitation rather than local so.... the SpermClan was never close enough to invade our family life other than the pre-visitation behavioral degradation and the post visitation behavioral detox.

My natural temperment would be to go full frontal assault on TT if she threatened to take my kids, interfere in my mariage and life, or made the grave mistake of targetting my bride if I were your DH.  I would destroy her with every tool at my disposal for even thinking of that crap she threatens your DH with.  The kids would know every sordid scap of fact on their mother, I would drag her ass to court for every deviation from the CO, I would bare her ass at the kid's school, in the entire community, and I would make her the paria of her very small world.  If anyone were to lose the kids, it would be her and not me.  She would be lucky to have a spot at the local homeless camp after I got done with her.

But, that is just me.

I am so sorry you and DH have to deal with this crap.  I do not know how you do it and keep your positive life inertia.  You are far better than I am with all of this type of stuff.