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Abusive Step kids

Cantdothisalone's picture

Just wondering if anyone else has issues with step kids that are physically/verbally abusive towards your bio children. My SS and SD are so mean to my son. We just don't know what to do anymore. I suggested me and our son leaving on the weekends they're at our house but my husband complains that he then misses out on time with our son. This is not new, its been an issue for about 5 years now. I'm so tired of not being able to enjoy my time with my son every 2nd weekend because these other two are so awful. Even my son (who is 6) has asked repeatedly if they have to come. It's awful. We're tried to talk to BIO mom (I guess she doesn't find this an issue), we've also tired counselling (bio mom won't participate). Help.

Cantdothisalone's picture

Its not the man, its the mother. He's an amazing dad to our son. We're both so tired of these behaviours.

ESMOD's picture

No.. it's the man. The mother isn't there when the kids are with their father right? This issue doesn't come up at HER place because your child isn't there to be harassed!

Your HUSBAND is allowing his kids to terrorize your child. That is not acceptable.

Disneyfan's picture

It is the man. If he can't control the way his children behave in his home, then it's him not the mother. Mom has not control or say in what goes on in your home.

An amazing dad would have fixed this craziness YEARS ago. Your husband is using mom as an excuse not give his older kids absolute hell for messing with their younger brother. This is all on him.

Cantdothisalone's picture

Lets see- This past weekend SS kicked at soccer ball intentionally at my son, hit him in the face, then walked away laughing and smiling. SD kicked him in the mouth when he was 2 and caused permanent damage to his two front teeth. She's tried to make him do "things" (I don't know what "things" as whenever I've caught her trying to whisper to him, she starts crying and it scares bio son and he won't talk). They've intentionally broken his toys (looking right at me thrown things down stairs, ripped books etc). They're rude and bossy. SS tries to convince bio son to steal food (in our house we just have to ask for things, usually the answer is yes, all we ask is that you ask). I could go on...

Is_What_It_Is's picture

They are visiting your house, they abide by your rules while they are there. If they break the rules then they suffer the consequences. Dh should handle the consequences, but if it is a house rule that if you are abusive to others you lose electronics and/or get to go to bed early etc., then it just is what it is. Since there is such an age difference, I would watch all of them a bit closer.

Of course BM doesn't see the issue, they only have each other to abuse at her house. And why should she punish them for something done at your house - you do it. Smile

Cantdothisalone's picture

We do. That's the problem. One year two days after Chritmas they lost all their gifts, we made them pack all their stuff up and donate it. We make them put there stuff in boxes, took it to a shelter and dropped it off. They have books, lego and colouring stuff. That's it. My husband doesn't know what to do. They go back to their mom's and she's more of a "the more I buy you the more you will love me" kinda parent- TV's in their rooms, internet, tablets, phones etc. She's quite happy to "get rid" of them whenever possible. Anything to keep them busy and away from her. They come and go as they please at her house. We have rules. They don't like the rules. So my son gets the brunt of that.

Cantdothisalone's picture

Oh absolutely. They are jealous. I am 100% the opposite of their mom. My son gets hugs and kisses and we eat dinner together, we spent time together and genuinely enjoy each other's company. My step kids do not have that, at all. SD has been wanting to dance since she was 2, bio mom told her no, and then signed her up for hockey 2 years ago. Its awful. They're situation is horrible. But abusing my son is not ok. Again, we have tried to talk to bio mom, she is not receptive at all. They used to have all sorts of things, they break everything. We try to give "outings" instead of gifts now because they don't respect their stuff.

Cantdothisalone's picture

Because they broke a couple of their brand new gifts on purpose and so DH figured there's no point in keeping stuff that wont be appreciated, so let's give it to someone who will. They also broke a gift my son had received, again, on purpose. They will watch you watching them and then throw/pull apart etc, right while they know you're paying attention. Even negative attention is attention right? Sad

Cantdothisalone's picture

100% agree. WHY? WTF is wrong with me? I ask myself every single weekend. At this point my son is not allowed to be alone with either of them. Not even for a moment. I'm trying to find a way to fix this. Most people I talk to (including DH's family) think I'm over reacting, and then I hear the old excuse "but they don't know how to behave, they're mom doesn't teach them..." blah, blah, blah...

ESMOD's picture

Your HUSBAND should be teaching them when they are at his house. If they are misbehaving at your house it has nothing to do with BM.

Disneyfan's picture

Why has the OP allowed her kid to grow up in a home where he becomes a human punching bag EOWE?

I don't understand the logic behind keeping you kid a home where he/she isn't safe. If things are that bad, take your kid and leave.

Disneyfan's picture

Because you run the risk of being in this poster's shoes in a few years.

That poor kid has been getting his ass beat for SIX YEARS because neither of his parents can control his older siblings. I can't not imagine making my child live like that.

twoviewpoints's picture

Her household has these "absolutely unbearable" kids 2 rounds of 48hrs a month. Seems ridiculous to have only two choices. Both extreme at that.

The idea of OP'S husband that if she goes off somewhere with the DS6 , Dad is missing out on spending time with DS6 is hogwash. The man spends 26dys a month with DS6.

If Dad, for example, spent Saturday morning at the library then the recreation center (basketball, swimming, whatever) with his older children it leaves partial Saturday where all kids are in house together. Surely two adults can supervise three kids part of the day/evening? Sunday afternoon, OP can take DS6 out part of the day whether visiting family, taking in an afternoon matinee or hikes and playing in the park... whatever DS6 enjoys.

They can try simple board and card games as a 'family', make popcorn and watch a movie. All three kids and both adults.

Unless these "absolutely unbearable" skids are brave enough to beat DS6 directly in front of Dad and just three feet away there is no need for breaking marriages or banishing children. If the skids are that big n bad there's a juvenile detention hall with their names on it.

Who let's heathens beat a little kid for five years before finally having their fill? No one.

Disneyfan's picture

If that is what it takes to keep the others from beating on her kid, so be it.

The OP has been present for the past years, but her presence didn't keep the others from beating on her kid. :?

Cantdothisalone's picture

The counsellor said that for the counselling to work, it has to be all involved. Because we only have them 4 days a month, most of what these kids need has to come from her. I've called CAS and they say nothing can be done. We've tried to get in touch with the school to see about supports that can be offered through them, but no one returns our calls/emails. We're pretty sure bio mom has asked them not to have contact with us. And yes I agree, DH's ex has him by the balls. He's so afraid to stand up to her. I don't know why. And when I tried to talk to her on my own she just went on and on about what a horrible mom I am. She constantly tells him what a bad dad he is, and how he never does anything for his kids, and yet he has NEVER missed a weekend with them, and has never missed paying her (which is ultimately we think the only reason she had these children- they really are a nice paycheque).

Cantdothisalone's picture

Bio mom would have no part of DH NOT having them every 2nd weekend, its her vacation time. Time away from the two kids that are only a paycheque to her. It really is a horrible situation. When you hear their story its awful, then I picture my son with blood pouring out of his mouth from when she kicked him and I think sad yes, but not in my house. Bio mom cant get them out of her house enough. I have fought for years with DH AND bio mom to get these kids help. NO ONE LISTENS to me. Bio mom wont help them, DH wont help them. It's awful.

ESMOD's picture

Dupe here. My DH's EX actually called ME one time to find out how to make her children behave. She wanted to know how we did it. I just said consistent expectations. We mean what we say. If we threaten consequences, they are reasonable and appropriate. We don't match the kid anger for anger.

OP.. your HUSBAND is not parenting his children. This is not the Bio Mom's issue.

Rags's picture

And why do you and your DH tolerate this crap from the toxic step spawn? Why isn't daddy's boot up the elder children's asses any time they get aggressive with the 6yo?

Your home needs a nice paddle displayed in a prominent place and when the SKids pull their shit... the get their asses lit up big time.

Each and every time. Lather, rinse, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Not only is the problem the man.. the problem is YOU! How could you not confront these POS kids when they pull that crap on your own child?

I am the eldest of 3 boys. I am 6yrs older than my next brother and 8yrs older than the youngest. It was clear from my parents that fighting would not be tolerated and as the eldest it was my responsibility to protect and care for my brother's when necessary. Had I bullied my brothers.... the consequences would have been most notable.

You and DH need to step up and protect your 6yo from bullies. Bullies respond to one thing and that is pain. They love giving it but are pussies when they are the recipients. So... bring the pain.

My own experience with bullies covered a few years. The solution.... fighting back. Since your 6yo is the youngest he should have the protection of his elder sibs and not be their victim served up on a silver platter by his mother and father.

I hear "talking to BM" and I hear "Counseling". Where is the application of immediate consequence? Quit analyzing and start acting to confront the behaviors in an immediate and completely unpleasant manner.

moeilijk's picture

All that negativity and acting out doesn't come from nowhere.

Check animal needs. Have they had enough to eat and drink (healthy foods, not chips or fast food)? Have they had enough rest and enough sleep?

99% of the time, that's the reason anyone in my family starts acting like a jerk.

Then, check your attitude. Half your family EOW is unhappy and angry and acting out. You and your husband are in charge, so make the change.

notasm3's picture

While I am no fan of DH's second wife (no children with her) I do not blame her one bit for keeping DH's two hideous sons out of her home. She really had no other choice. She had young children from a previous marriage.

She didn't actually ban the older one. He moved in with them as a teen when BM could not handle him any longer. He was deeply involved in gang activity and ran away to another state when wanted on a MURDER charge. I'm sure second wife would not have allowed him back (who would?), but he went underground in another state until his eventual death.

Second son was was an out of control rage driven alcoholic by age 13. He was wild and had his first in patient psychiatric stay before he started school. He spend several years in juvie for a crime that has never been disclosed to me - but it must have been serious to keep him there until he aged out. I know that he beat up many people and absolutely trashed several homes and apartments.

Who in their right mind would let a VIOLENT mentally unstable 6' tall male live in their home? I truly believe that both BM and DH tried to parent these two monsters. They were just born bad.

Now that SS's GF has had a baby he is all over how he's not going to let his son go astray. I don't discuss this with him - but part of me wants to say "and what could your parents have done to prevent you from going off track"? I sincerely hope that this baby has NOT inherited SS's mental issues.

Acratopotes's picture

Hon if you DH can't control his kids you have a DH problem....

This is what I would do, so be it if the brats are there, I would simply make sure my kid is always with me, arrange play dates with friends, outings for only me and my kid, and I will make sure skids knows I'm spoiling my kid...
they can sit at home with their Daddy and do nothing,

I would even lock my son's bedroom and they will not be allowed to play with his toys or go in there, sorry skids can share the guest room, they do not need their own room each, I give a darn if it's a boy and a girl, they are brother and sister, they can share...... DH can kick up dust as much as he wants, it will not change unless he starts pulling his finger out of his butt and parent his brats.