Visits
Y'all. I need some serious help. I know I've posted before about the step kids, but just some back info. I have 2 kids, he has 2 kids. My kids love everyone and have accepted their new family with open arms, his kids have been hell. We are finally learning how to be on the same page about this and have made HUGE strides.
his 16 yo daughter has been hell. She's disrespectful, rude to my kids, ungrateful, all on top of a typical teen attitude. I continually tried. I tried and tried and tried. UNTIL we went on a family trip and I reluctantly allowed his kids to go (this was my family, cousins, etc). We rented a big lake house, took our boats, jet skis, etc. While I was in the water helping the kids on the 4 person tube (600+ lbs of weight on this tube between Teen kids and a huge tube). His daughter is the spotter, and she sat there looking dead at me and as he started to go and didn't bother to tell him I was there, luckily he happened to stand up and see me right before I got run over by the tube. I she never said I'm sorry, never said omg I didn't see you (hell she could've lied). Nothing. Just didn't care. So I'm done. She isn't allowed in our home until she takes ownership of her behavior, apologizes, and wants to act differently. This was all done with a counselor who has been seeing her and us separately. The daughter even said in counseling she knows if anything is going to change it has to be from her but it's too hard so she doesn't want to try. So bye. Dad is heartbroken of course. But his eyes have been opened and he understands she makes a daily choice to not have a relationship with him bc she doesn't want to accept her new family. So there's that.
now is his 10 yr old son. Who has been better since his sister isn't around influencing him. And she pulled him away and encouraged him to not participate in the family. BUT his participation is always when there is nothing better to do and is always leftovers from his mom and her family. He always feels left out and is very jealous of my kids relationship with his father, but what does he expect when he constantly doesn't want to participate. So here we are at Christmas. His mom isn't making him come spend time with his dad bx he'd rather be with her and her family. But he wants to come for presents around 10 Christmas morning. Well here's my issue and my thinking:
he is 10. It is completely normal to want to be with his mom. It's normal for him to want to be with he family as he has cousins etc there. But his mom should encourage him to split time and spend time with both families. I realize she is never going to put her kids first. She's too busy being bitter and pretending to be the victim. However, his son is old enough to realize there are consequences. You don't ever want to participate or be a part of the family until there is something to gain: vacation, presents, birthday, fun stuff. I'm sick of it. If he doesn't want to be a part, then stop coming. It makes everyone miserable. I'm tired of busting my ass to include him and make a family and a happy home and it isn't received. I'm tired of him wanting the benefits of being a part of our family but never wanting to compromise or sacrifice. You know this is part of life. He has been raised that he should never be inconvenienced, never be made to feel uncomfortable, and the entire world revolves around him. I want to take his presents back and just say you weren't here so Santa didn't come. Im sorry. There are going to be 4 other kids here at Christmas and they shouldn't have to wait on him nor should we all have to sit any watch him because he can't make time for his dad and other family. We are building a house and he is supposed to have his own room and bath but for what? I'm not doing that. I'm just ready to tell him why don't you just call us when you're ready to be a part of the family. Otherwise just stay with your mom. Our entire family and plans we make are based off of if he is going to grace us with his presence. I'm just tired of it! Am I wrong???? Is it worth forcing them to come and make everyone miserable. Why do parents allow kids to make decisions like this. They aren't old enough to see past their own selfishness. Just so fed up and tired from trying to make this a happy family. We are happy when his kids are not here.
His father should have a CO
His father should have a CO with his EX that stipulates visitation.. including holidays. His father should expect that to be enforced for regular and holiday visitation. His son is able to be an outsider because I am guessing your DH allows him to choose to come or not. He is not old enough to make that decision. I do somewhat understand his older daughter's preferences to not be part of a "new family that she didn't choose at this late date". I don't know why their parent's split but there could be some latent resentment for her dad if it is percieved that HE was the one that caused the breakup.
So... OSD should probably at this point not be forced... but she can absolutely be parented by your DH in that she is not to go around badmouthing your family to her brother. Her brother should have regular visitation with dad too.
I think it's a little petty to want to return his gifts.. he likely feels caught in the middle a bit. He is getting pressure to keep to the traditional family holiday stuff with his mom.. yet doesn't 100% want to not see dad. If the schedule is in the CO.. stick to THAT... If it is mute.. then I would have him when he gets there.. but I wouldn't hold up your own celebration for him. he can open presents whenever he gets there. Or if you were inclined to accomodate a change where you might lhave the kids open their stockings first.. then have breakfast.. then open the rest of the gifts together with SS at 10 (which is not like it's 4pm in the afternooon late)
I'm confused. You want to
I'm confused. You want to take away his presents because he wants to come at 10 am on Christmas day? Is he just planning to pick them up and go back to her house? That seems a little harsh to me.
You do understand that BM is pressuring them not to like you or your kids, right? They are being forced to choose whether or not incur their mother's disapproval and have a relationship with you guys. It's a heavy burden on a kid to be caught in the middle like that. He's only TEN. Cut him a bit of a break, here. And if there is no court order but it's all being left up to him to decide, that's even worse.
Kids will have a hard time "embracing" a new family when the other parent is bitter and angry and making sure they don't love you and DH better than they love her. If you want to set some limits on SS coming just for gift grabs, fine - but don't make it that he gets no presents because he's not behaving as you want him to. You will just be feeding BM ammunition to use against you and DH - that DH doesn't love SS anymore because he's got a new family.
I understand your frustration
I understand your frustration, but the kid is 10, and as Tog said, he's likely getting pressure from Mom and that side of the family. So I would not even consider returning his presents or being anything other than gracious when he's there for Christmas.
However, I would NOT make the kids in your household wait to open presents until 10 am when SS arrives, especially if he was supposed to be there overnight. That's not fair to them. And I would not make them sit there and watch SS open his presents when they want to be playing with their own. SS needs to fit into the new family routine and should not be treated like the royal prince that everyone needs to cater to when he arrives.
Agreed. But why is a 10-year
Agreed. But why is a 10-year-old making plans for when he visits? They need to follow the court order, or get one if they don't have one.
Totally agree, Tog. Dad is
Totally agree, Tog. Dad is obviously not insisting on following the CO. I understand deviating from the CO sometimes - my DH and BM are very flexible with theirs - but not when it's negatively affecting everyone else's holiday.
Right, and not in an
Right, and not in an alienation situation where the alienating parent will pressure the kid to choose HER all the time, every time. He needs to not be forced to make that decision. And then the other family gets mad at him when he chooses her. Poor kid can't win.
Clarification
Hey guys I keep trying to post but it isn't posting.
so there is a court order which is CRAP. so they were fighting back and forth about custody etc for 2 years. He finally gave in because she wouldn't budge. She reassured him she wouldn't keep the kids from him. STUPId, STUPID move on his part. He knows, deals with it daily. So he gets twice a month visits and 4 hours on Christmas holiday. So, she "allows" the son to make decisions on whether or not he sees him more.
Like I said before, everyone understands most kids prefer the mom's family. If I gave my kids the choice, they would be with me indefinitely. So I know a big part is not having support from the mom. The issue with me is, SS wants to be a part when it is convenient for him. Mom would let him come... but he only wants to come for the "fun stuff" is there isn't anything better going on. We have talked to him and said we want you here all the time, you don't have to choose, you can love both families, you can't have too many people to love you and you can't love too many people. He will NEVER pick up the phone to say I want to come hang out, but he will pick up the phone to call the paternal gma and say can you get me from school. There is ZERO effort from him to be a part of this family but he is SO jealous when he isn't included.... but he made that decision.
as far as the presents.... I'm not saying not get him anything. But I don't think he should have Santa here if he never is willing to "be here" for Santa. He can have his gifts from us and all the family.
dad absolutely tries. He is also heartbroken and tired of begging his kids for a relationship and feeling like disciplining his kids and having rules makes them not want to be here. They have no rules and make all decisions at moms.
I'm just tired of trying to make a place for a happy family when we have unwilling participants. Just to the point if you don't want to be here, then just don't come. It's making EVERYONE miserable.
I'm sorry, but I think you
I'm sorry, but I think you have much higher expectations of a 10 year old given the circumstances. He only is ordered 4 hours at Christmas with your DH. He has precious little regularly scheduled visitation with your DH otherwise.
This kid is for better or worse does not feel like he is "part" of your family. He is an occasional visitor.. an outsider. His LIFE is with his mom and that family. Dad has a "new family" that he doesn't feel part of. Now, you percieve that this is due to some CHOICE he makes.. but quite clearly his MOTHER is influencing him in this regard.
He naturally wants to be where he is more comfortable.. that is with mom. And what CHILD would not want to go to get more presents? What CHILD wouldn't want to be where the fun is happening if someone is giving them that option? This kid has been set up for failure. He just can't win.
You are seeing this as some rejection.. or that the boy doesn't care. Likely his motivations are much less adult/complex than that. He is not refusing to see his dad.. but would he want to miss a party or fun stuff at his home given the choice? no. Will he want to hear his mother hint that she would prefer he not go.. or make offhand remarks? No.
You want to return most of his gifts.. "because he can't have santa at both". Why the heck not? What his mother does for him has zero to do with what his FATHER does for him. He CAN get gifts at both houses.. what he cannot do is be two places at once. You think he could choose to be with you longer.. I doubt that is truly what would happen. Why would he want to get up at the buttcrack of dawn to be shlepped over to dad's.. to open presents at 7am? then turnaround a few hours later to go back home? It actually makes much more sense that he wake up where he lives.. have his little christmas with mom.. then get over to dad's midmorning to celebrate with him too.
I think that too much is being put on a TEN year old child to make these choices.. the parents should have been adult enough to have a normal schedule... without making the kid tread through some emotional landmine situation. which is what is happening now. No wonder the kid feels alienated.
"Talked to him"???? WTF. This
"Talked to him"???? WTF. This is a 10yo, there is a CO. 10yos do not get a say. They are not full blown people for another 8yrs and their only applicable right is to life. Liberty and happiness are at the discretion of their parents. They don't even get an opinion except at the discretion of the parent(s). And that opininion is irrelevant if either parent so chooses.
They do what they are told when they are told to do it. His "wants" are irrelevant. He visits or BM gets nailed with a contempt motion and the 10yo is dragged kicking and screaming by his ear to visit per the CO. Proverbially of course. Or litterally depending on the size of the balls of the NCP.
smh
I guess y'all are right. My
I guess y'all are right. My expectations are for him to Want to be a part of our family. I guess deep down I feel like he should want to be here because every. Single. Person. Tries to make him feel wanted here. I can't understand what's to not be happy about here. Everyone is happy until he comes. I do see it as rejection, honestly. It ends up feeling like we cater to him desperately trying to make sure he feels a part. I feel like we try to buy his love, and try to do fun things to make him want to be here and it doesn't. We were all going to a movie and he told my son I don't want to go with y'all, I'd rather go with my Mimi. It hurt my son badly and I wanted to say well stay home. We don't want you to go either. Being a blended family SUCKS. It sucks to try so hard and just feel like it's failed attempt after failed attempt. Thanks guys for making me see the other side. Sigh....
I know that it's tough to
I know that it's tough to blend in someone that may not blend well.. or even may be resistant to it. The best advice I can give is to try to treat the situation as neutrally as possible. Don't bend yourselves in a pretzel to accomodate him.. but neither should you specifically try to plan things with hopes of excluding him either.
He should have a relationship with his father.. and his DAD needs to be the one facilitating and promoting that.
Manipulative little shits
Manipulative little shits want only what they can manipulate the delivery of to satiate their desires for instant gratification. That is why children over the course of human history have parents to raise them and mold them into viable adults and contributing members of society. If not for quality parents there would be a huge % of the population that would be snowflake adult sized toddlers whinnying about their hurt fee fees and crying that they need safe spaces and should be valued for their mere existence.
Oh wait... that is reality these days.
Never mind.
Hey, maybe the saturation of CODs raised by guilty parents in F-d up blended family environements is the problem with society these days.
Hmmmmmmm?
I'm tired of busting my ass
I'm tired of busting my ass to include him and make a family and a happy home and it isn't received.
OP I know your tired and drained from trying to "blend" and create a family but for your own sanity please stop. Your SS is being influenced by his mother and her manipulative ways and that's a hard fight to take on. Stop investing energy in something you cannot control. I would recommend your H going to court and revisit the court order to one where BM can't dictate when your H can or cannot see his kids.
Do not postpone your Christmas or whatever else you have going on for SS. You continue as the happy family you are and live your best life. The world doesn't stop because he's not coming. If SS gets jealous, that's on him and its not your doing. Don't take this personal, it's not about you at all.
Disengage
If your DH is not inforceing his visitation. Why would you care about the 10 yo. You open your family presents first thing. When SS gets there, it's up to DH to make presents opening arrangements for his DS. not you. You can, or may have to do something with your kids the same time as SS is opening his presents.