Why do BMs have more of an issue with childless SMs?
It seems like BMs have more of an issue with childless SMs than they do with SMs who have their own children. I’m 27, DH is 30, SD5 is his only child, and I have none of my own children (by choice- I do want children but didn’t want them before marriage and we just got married this past April). BM on the other hand, has 3 kids (including SD) by 3 different men (never married to any of the men).
Before DH and I got together, he dated a girl who had a son and apparently BM did not have an issue with her (other than the normal jealousy but nothing too extreme like it is with me).
I have a lot of friends who have kids and when they date a man with kids, they hardly ever have issues with the BM!
What is the deal? Why do BMs have special issues with childless SMs?
Speaking as a BM, I think I
Speaking as a BM, I think I might feel that you don't know certain things about taking care of kids that can only come with the experience of having kids yourself.
I know when my exH was dating a lady who had kids herself, I felt a little better. I felt if my DD's got sick, she'd know right away what to do.
In your case it could be that the BM thinks since you don't have kids that you don't know how to take care of them. Or it may be she's just a stupidhead.
I will say though that just because someone has given birth does not necessarily mean they are a good mom, or that even though they don't have kids they don't have common sense and know basic parenting. I mean, no one is born knowing how to be a parent, and kids don't come with instruction manuals.
Try not to let it bother you too much.
Thanks. I try not to let BM
Thanks. I try not to let BM bother me, but a conversation I had with my friend last night got me thinking about this. The friend has 3 sons and is dating a guy who has a daughter. I was telling her about our recent BM drama (it’s always something), and I said to her “don’t you have any problems with BM?” to which she responded “no, she’s awesome” and I was like WHAT!!?? She told me she has never had a problem with any of the BMs of the guys she has dated! So it got me thinking about how BMs seem to have more of an issue with the SMs who don’t have kids of their own.
Of course, when BM found out from SIL that DH and I are planning on having a baby (which I don’t know why she would be surprised, I mean we are married..), she flipped out. So I guess she wants me to have my own kids but just not with DH lol!
It could be that, or it could
It could be that, or it could just be you lucked out and got the crazy BM.
I dated a guy who had a son, but never had any problems with the BM. Part of that though could be I let biodad handle all communication with her.
Also, the poster below listed some good points - like BM's jealousy, or worry that the kids you have with DH will replace hers, will you favor your bios unfairly over hers, etc.
So long as you're a good person and do the right thing, that will keep the drama to a mimimum. We can hope.
Thanks, Ana! DH and I
Thanks, Ana! DH and I definitely plan on having kids together. The reason I don’t have kids is because I don’t really believe in having kids before marriage (I’ve only been married less than a year) and I wanted to finish my education and get to a good point in my career before bringing babies into the world. I know you aren’t questioning why I don’t have kids, but like you mentioned, some people like BM might. It’s funny because I actually question why BM would get pregnant by 3 different men out of wedlock lol! Anyway, I just got married and just finished up my Master’s degree and now that I am stable, I am ready to start trying for babies soon.
LOL!
LOL!
Cheri, that’s probably a huge
Cheri, that’s probably a huge part of her issue with me. DH didn’t marry BM even after she had his child (skid wasn’t planned). She is probably mad that her little plan of trapping him with a baby didn’t work.
Exactly. I have plenty of
Exactly. I have plenty of friends who have a kid with a guy they are no longer with, but 3?? And by 3 different men at that? I honestly think she's trying to trap a man with a baby.
Her oldest (my SD) is only 5 so she has done all this recently.. It's not like it was spread out over 15+ years.. Her second I believe is 3 and the youngest is under 1 year.
I agree!
I agree!
My BM tried the "I don't want
My BM tried the "I don't want her around my kids because she doesn't have any kids and doesn't know how to take care of them" thing with DH but not until after she had tried unsuccessfully to get him back. I laughed my ass off when he told her "She is a nurse, she was a nanny to four children who all turned out perfect, and she is a better momma to your own kids than you could ever dream of being, so get on somewhere with all that BS!"
C-mom, that is probably how
C-mom, that is probably how BM feels about me. It’s funny because I was an EMT for years before I went back to school for accounting (I had a knee injury and couldn’t continue the physical work of an EMT). I am much more capable of handling an emergency than BM, and probably anyone else SD is ever around for that matter. BM is just a jealous psycho. She has no actual reason to not like me, so I have no choice but to chalk it up to jealousy. My DH actually said something similar to what your DH said—BM made a stupid comment about how DH doesn’t even care about SD anymore since he’s been with me (completely not true, plus we’ve been together over 3 years- I’m nothing new) and his response was that I care more about SD than she does!
What a great question. Thank
What a great question. Thank you, Christinen, for posting!
I think AnaR hit the nail on the head. I'm quoting her four theories below and responding to them.
1) You will probably have kids with DH.
Not true in our case, sadly. But my husband's former wife found out (from another mom in our circle) and called my husband to say, "It's too bad ChildlessSM can't give you a child, but I have to say I'm relieved that my daughter won't have to go through that."
2) She may think you are going to use her child to have some unmet maternal need met.
My husband's wife actually told me as much at our first (and last) face-to-face conversation.
3) You are a mystery to her.
Yes. Here's a funny thing. After meeting me briefly for the first time, my husband's former wife made a snide comment to my husband about his chasing a "younger woman, typical midlife crisis." She assumed I was 10+ years young than I am. I'm exactly the same age as my husband!
4) I think some BMs who feel superior will see you as incompetent to care for her child if he's sick etc.
Not in my situation. I take better care of her daughter's health than she does. I've arranged all the doctor and dentist app'ts, have treated her cradle cap and infected ear piercings, encourage her to bathe regularly, etc. I'm learning to let go of those things - I cannot care more than my stepdaugher's parents.
For older bms i agree with
For older bms i agree with the women above...
But for the young ones like my boyfriends bm, she had their son at 16 and now she is 21. I think her issues are jealousy.
-The fact that they have a son together and arent together.
-The fact that her son doesnt make him want to be with her.
-that she feels he has another family. Me. && i take away from his son somehow.
-jealousy that im younger than her with no kids, meaning i can do want i want.
-jealousy that if me and him had children he would be in my kids life more, because we are in a relationship while she stays a single mom, cussing him out and sending her son over a few days out the week or month
SUCKS for bms!!!! && all i can say is she shouldn't have never opened her nasty legs so young unprotected to somebody that was never gonna marry her!
That's what I'm sayin'!!! Our
That's what I'm sayin'!!! Our BM has extreme jealousy issues because she thinks FDH should be doing everything she says and giving her all his money because they had an oops kid when she was 18/he was 20. But that's not the way it works. FDH pays his Child supp and FSS every weekend and that's all he needs to do. I mean, don't hate me because I'm 27 and have no children, that wasn't an accident honey, it's called being responsible.
^^Hahaha, exactly! I'm 27 too
^^Hahaha, exactly! I'm 27 too and DH is 30. BM is 25 with 3 kids by 3 different men (she was 20 when she had SD, her first) and NONE OF THEM MARRIED HER lol. I'm sure she is probably pissed that even without an "oopsie" baby, DH wanted to marry me and not her. I am the one married with the house and the career and that probably infuriates her. But like another poster said, she should have been more responsible and kept her legs closed (or been on birth control) until she was married. For God sake, she should have at least learned after the first one! 3 kids by 3 different men lol I still laugh every time I think about it.