Vent: Only having a half-time partner
My SO has his 8-year-old daughter every other week. When he has her, I do not stay over at his house and he does not sleep over at mine. I do visit them a few days a week so she can get used to me being a part of the family, hopefully easing her in to the idea of me moving in with him (later this year, we hope).
I understand that he has to spend time with his daughter, so I'm not looking for advice on this, just a rant: I HATE having a part-time partner! Last weekend he took her for an extra day to take her to an annual event they enjoy, and next month is an annual event I enjoy but he has her that day so he probably won't be able to come. When I told him he has her that weekend, he just gave me a "we'll see." He has never switched a day for me (and frankly he didn't even ask how I would feel about losing one of my days last week to her, he just scheduled it without telling me until it was done--this was AFTER he spent all of "my" week making her costume for that event, so I feel like she got three weeks in a row and took my Saturday). So I don't think we "will see," plus it is a ticketed event that always sells out and I don't want to pester him over and over about it to know how many tickets to buy.
I just hate spending half my time effectively single. Yes, I hang out with other friends and get in my alone time, but there are just events you want your partner to attend with you, you know? It drives me a little bonkers that he won't even find a sitter for the kid so we can do something like attend that event. He even missed our best friends' wedding because he had his daughter that day and wouldn't think to look for a sitter! So I attended that event alone, and it hurts my heart that he is so absent those weeks he has her.
On top of it, I feel bad about myself. I wonder if I said these things aloud to others, if I would come off as selfish, or as jealous of an 8-year-old (I don't even know if I am--probably). I *have* said some of these things to him, and he hasn't been resistant to what I have said, but he hasn't exactly... fixed it, either. He says as much as it is hard for me to have a half-time partner, it is also hard for him to be a half-time dad, and even though we lose time together, it's "better than only getting her EOWE and not knowing his kid." It's kind of like he is skipping over the option to have her EOW, but get a babysitter sometimes for events like that wedding or this upcoming annual event I like. 
Sigh. Thanks for listening and please commiserate if you feel/felt this too.
I think you have some really
I think you have some really big red flags waving in your face, flapping in the wind, and on fire. You need to talk to your boyfriend about this before you move in.
He doesn't communicate with yo0u about plans that affect you, you often aren't included in events, and he's already SCREAMING loud and clear that you are NOT #1.
Life with this dynamic will be a NIGHTMARE. if you did move in, you would be #2 to him, the SD would be a little princess mini-wife, and she would have a field day ripping the two of you apart.
You need to have a serious talk with him about how the two of you will parent, about being more open and fair about time, etc.
You are not being selfish and don't for one short second think you are or let him convince you of this. That twinge in your gut is your intuition telling you that something isn't right here, and you are not being respected as his partner.
Thanks, furkidsforme (fur
Thanks, furkidsforme (fur kids for me, too!--3 kitties). We talked at length last night and this morning, and it was rough, but we seem to have ended in a place of understanding. Of course it's just one of many conversations, but perhaps we will really get somewhere.
I think if this continues you
I think if this continues you may have a very unhappy little girl when she realizes she has to share daddy with you all of her week after you move in. Also if he won't get a sitter now on his weeks with her I don't think he will do it after you move in.
realitycheckmom, you may be
realitycheckmom, you may be right. After our talk last night and this morning, he has agreed to make arrangements for that annual event I want to go to. There's hope.
imaSmom, thanks for writing
imaSmom, thanks for writing that. Your comment really made me think. My parents are still married, so I can't say I know what it's like to have a part-time dad, but I think it's probably harder on her than I have given thought to. As the arrangement is now, she is with him a little more than 50% of the time, so what bothered me was that he was already my less-than-half-time partner, and in doing things like suddenly switching a Saturday to be with her all day, I was losing even more time, and I worry that a relationship so starved for time will have difficulty surviving. But your comment has encouraged me to take a deep breath and step back, and to try to be more patient until he and I can move in together.
In many intact families the
In many intact families the dad is gone for work purposes and is not a "full-time" dad. But in a healthy family the couple still makes time for each other. He is providing time for you but he is not available at all during "her time". Life is not always that convenient.
I wouldn't have so much of a problem that he spends a lot of time with her but his total unwillingness to ever bend is a big red flag - huge. There are one time events - like your best friends wedding - that should be an exception.
I can just forsee times ahead when you really need him and he tells you "nope it's her weekend". If you had car trouble and were stranded - would he tell you to find someone else because he was with her? If a parent or sibling was terminally ill - would he tell you that "nope - wrong weekend" for him to support you?
I wouldn't move in with him.
Thanks for your feedback,
Thanks for your feedback, oldone. He and I have been talking about this and he is going to make arrangements to attend the event with me, and ideally, a special event in September as well. (Together, the two events don't exceed the number of hours he's recently switched off to be with her instead of me, so I don't feel like I'm "robbing" her of time with him.) I'm optimistic that he sees my concerns now and will be better at addressing them.
He's showing you what life
He's showing you what life with him will be like. Some women can accept this, some can't. Since you fall into the the can't camp, moving in with him will be a huge mistake.
If I only had my child part time, I would have skipped the wedding as well.
Disneyfan, I agree--I'm
Disneyfan, I agree--I'm seeing what life with him might be like, and I can accept it, or not. The other side of that coin is, he has long promised that if we ended up together (we went through hell and high water and I sacrificed something very, very important), he would meet my needs. I'm a little surprised--okay, a lot surprised--to see now that he didn't so much seem to ask himself if he could really do that, if he could make me as much a priority as I need to be and make some sacrifices to keep our relationship healthy. So now he is getting to see what life is like with me, as well, and he can accept it, or not.
I have no business giving
I have no business giving advice since I'm having such a hard time also. LOL
Sharing is really hard. I have trouble just with EOWE. I wish I had another place I could just go, though. Since I live with the BD, and when the son of 6 yrs comes over, it's just their show together, in my house. And I just sit on the other side of the couch and watch. It's very hard. So Yeah, moving in with this guy will be much worse than it is. Because even when it's his week with his daughter, you get the privilege to just sit in the corner of the room and watch the dad and daughter show. It's hard to be involved, even though I try. One thing I have done is talked to my BF and told him that I feel "out of the picture" and "lonely" during those weekends. So he's making more of an effort of including me in their conversations and so forth. So I would play the little bit of guilt trip in telling him how it makes you feel. Let him know that this situation is something you haven't experienced before and so it's very difficult and you are going through a hard time. Tell him you realize that he needs his time with his daughter, but you'd like be included more and be assured that you are also important to him.
sharper43, I see what you're
sharper43, I see what you're saying. But I'm hopeful that it won't apply to me much--his daughter is hard for me to handle (all kids are--I never wanted kids and I'm not a "natural" at knowing how to play with them) and I'd rather be left out a little, haha. I also work from home in the evening (I'm a graduate student), so I need a few hours each night to myself to get work done, so I have a "convenient" reason that I'm going to need to separate myself from her. As of now, when they interact I don't feel left out (either they include me or I'm grateful for the break), so I'm hoping that won't change when I move in. What makes me feel lonely in their presence right now is that she doesn't know we are dating, so I can't reach out and touch him, or exchange a quick kiss, or anything. Obviously if we live together she will know we are together and that factor will be eliminated, so that part of the loneliness should go away.
Just wanted to come back and
Just wanted to come back and update this thread: not only did SO come with me to that event, he dropped his kid off with BM early in the morning so we could spend the whole day of the event (which wasnt till 6pm) together (since he had her for the entire Saturday the day of her event back in May). Things are looking up.