Why doesn’t DH know he’s a shitty parent?
I have been married less than a year. This is my first marriage, and I don't have my own kids. My DH has shared custody and had half-time visitation with his kids since his divorce from BM more than 10 years ago. He is interested in his kids, loves them unconditionally, and does things with them. Those, I admit, are qualities of good fathers.
However, he has absolutely no rules for his “kids” (that hardly describes them anymore) while they are in our home. He has no boundaries or behavioral expectations. None. His kids are basically in charge of our house the half of the week they live with us. I think that if one of them was lighting the house on fire, he might step in and stop it, but that’s about it. He is a permissive parent, and so is BM.
His three kids are disrespectful, disobedient, selfish, entitled, and ungrateful.
His oldest daughter (SD18) is incredibly smart and could/should be on the honor roll, yet is a year behind in school and has only a “C” average. Neither he nor BM even know where she is about 70% of the time, as she is not required to tell us where she is going or when she is coming back.
SD15 is literally the cruelest, most selfish and manipulative person I have ever even heard of, much less known (I really think she may be a sociopath, which scares the shit out of me). She has a long list of demands that must be met, or she refuses to visit him.
SS12 still has temper tantrums (Oh, I’m sorry—the politically correct term is “meltdown” now, isn’t it?) when he doesn’t get his way, takes about a half an hour to get dressed, tells his father to “shut up” when he feels like it, and won’t even carry his own dirty dishes to the kitchen or throw his own snack wrappers away.
In my opinion, these are not children to be proud of.
The other night, I was reading him a post here on ST regarding a Dad who was being dragged into court for some bullshit thing. He acted indignant (the right response to the post) and said that it is “always the great fathers like this guy and me” who get raked over the coals in family court.
Are you shittin’ me, DH? All I could do was stare at him, speechless. I’m still speechless.
Quite honestly, they sound
Quite honestly, they sound like pretty normal kids to me. Our kids do some of the same things....it really has to do with ages I think. And the 18 year old is after all 18. She is an adult now and doesn't really need to tell anyone what she is doing or when she is coming back, you guys are no longer legally responsible for that.
It all sounds like kind of normal "American Kid" behavior. While it probably is not the best, we don't exactly live in a perfect world either.
Try to relax mama, it could be a lot worse! At least they are not accusing YOU of abuse or neglect or mistreatment.
Honestly, if this is "normal"
Honestly, if this is "normal" kid behavior these days, I fear for the future of this country. I really do.
I was a kid myself just 25-30 years ago, and there's no way this shit would have been perceived as "normal American kid behavior." Not by my parents. Not by my teachers. Not by my neighbors. Not by my parents' friends, or my friends' parents.
Parents on here: Is this really what it's like for everyone raising kids now? What the hell happened?
I agree with you 100%, Living
I agree with you 100%, Living the dream! I too do not have children of my own and I get that response about SK's behavior from parents ALL the time ("normal kids behavior") and it makes me want to smack these parents upside the head. It may be normal for kids to do these things being they are children and don't know better, but thats why ADULTS are raising kids, so they can tell guide the KIDS and let them know what is expectable and what is not. Most these parents are letting the KIDS make the decisions in their homes! Seems parents these days want to be their kids friends and in turn, are letting them grow into little a-holes.
Thanks for confirming my
Thanks for confirming my instincts that this stuff is bullshit.
I know I need to get after my husband for allowing this shit; I see the monsters he and BM are about to unleash on the world.
However, when I've tried in the past to talk to him about these behaviors, he gets defensive about it and I end up feeling like I've overstepped somehow or that I don't know what I'm talking about because I never pushed anyone out of my vagina.
I've actually been trying to disengage from his kids--to force myself to not give a shit what they do, but goddamn, it's hard.
I talked to a friend who is also a stepmom (of many years), and she helped me to see that I am not responsible for who these kids are now or who they become.
She thinks that I have entered their lives much too late to be much of a positive influence on them (only been married to DH 8 months).
If that is not the case--if I really am responsible for what these kids are going to be--then I am truly sorry.
"I don't know what I'm
"I don't know what I'm talking about because I never pushed anyone out of my vagina."
I don't have to squeeze a being out of my nether-regions to know a shitty kid when I see one. If the parents don't parent them, that responsibility does not fall to you by default.
Your friend is right .. and you're lucky to have her! Disengage the best you can and keep your chin up
He's probably like my DH, and
He's probably like my DH, and many others on here, where he thinks that being a great parent is keeping your kids "happy" at all costs, and never ever causing them to be upset about or reponsible for anything. Don't you know when you love your kids you let them do, act and say whatever they want?
So many parents, and so much
So many parents, and so much of our culture, view parenting as the most important job/role a person can have in their lifetime. Admitting that you've screwed that up is like admitting you've screwed the pooch on the single most important thing you've done with your life. Who wants to do that? No one .. so they make excuses for being lazy, for not going the extra mile, for everything they didn't do ..
I agree too, this is not
I agree too, this is not normal and unfortunately you are probably too late to do any good for these kids. Unless one of them has some kind of revelation they are already who they are going to be and you are not going to be able to change that especially if your DH doesn't see it. I'm afraid you are in for a rough ride.
You sure we aren't sharing
You sure we aren't sharing the same man and kids?
LMAO! Thanks for the good
LMAO! Thanks for the good laugh; I really needed that.
Seriously, though. Nothing would surprise me now after eight months of this shit. NOTHING.
Well, he has them only half
Well, he has them only half of the week, so I honestly saw them only a couple of times a month, for a few hours at a time, while we were dating.
This amounted to a lot of times, of course, but they were usually when we were doing something special, like going out to dinner or to a fair. Like all kids everywhere, it turns out they behave better when getting their way.
DH and I did not live together before marriage (probably a mistake, but living together before marriage is not compatible with my religious beliefs).
My DH is not a bad person, just a shitty, permissive parent. I think he believes that if he disciplines his kids, they won't want to spend time with him anymore. Unfortunately, BM believes the same bullshit--that they will prefer him if she actually parents, so these kids have no real rules/consequences at either home.