I really think I am done this time
We have been going to marriage counseling (4 visits so far) about the all-too-typical stepfamily problems we have (mostly his kids’ behavior and how I feel about them running the house).
We had a blowup last night when I told him privately that I felt angry and upset when his 12-year-old son yelled at him, “You can just shut up” while he (the SS) and DH were arguing Saturday.
My husband launched into a long diatribe about how he doesn’t care that his son talks to him that way, so I shouldn’t, and that my “criticism” of his children has changed his relationship with them for the worse and he wishes he’d never listened to me regarding their behavior, which is perfectly fine. In other words, I was and am the problem.
Lest you think I’m a terrible nitpicker, the only things I have actually ever complained about are his kids leaving dirty dishes and trash (literal trash, as in food wrappers and things that rot) all over the house, and telling their father to “shut up” or “go ***ck yourself.” The "kids," by the way, are 12, 15, and 18, so throwing away food wrappers should be well within their developmental abilities.
Still, I am the problem. I have never felt so foolish as I do now, going and marrying a man with kids. I was warned, you know, and by my own father, of all people. A man whose wisdom and character I greatly admire.
Thank you for not judging me harshly. I have tried so incredibly hard to be a good wife. I work about 50 hours a week, and everything I make and everything I have go to the household. I do 90%, at least, of the housework and cooking. Every day is toil and cleaning up after other people; I long ago gave up the things I used to enjoy (music, crocheting).
Yet, I am still a bad guy. I feel so lost and alone. If you are spiritual, will you please pray for me?
you are not the problem. he
you are not the problem. he is the problem. rather than face the real issues: being that he is a wimp and can't deal with his guilt issues and his kids, he'd rather paint you as the bad person that causes problems.
I get a bit of this from my SO as well. It's very annoying to me. He's actually said to me.. she's just a kid, can't you just get along with her?
I'm like she's a spoiled brat, where I come from we don't negotiate with terrorists!! And that what's he and his bm are raising.. a spoiled brat, rich wannabe terroristic bitch.
I find it amazing that someone would rather hurt the one person that they supposedly wanted to spend their life growing old with in order to deflect from self realization of their part in all this. BUT the world is full of them.
I'm sorry that you have gotten to this point. I will pray for you. For comfort and focus. Please know that today I'm thinking about you my friend. Also, I read something today that I feel I need to share... tend to thy self.
OMG...the image you painted
OMG...the image you painted actually brought tears to my eyes. I used to live like that. I married at 41, after living alone for many years.
Saturday afternoons reading and napping, eating what I felt like making (with no one to insult my cooking or demand a separate meal), sleeping in instead of riding along while he drives kids places, with them complaining in the backseat.
My little place decorated just the way I like it, clean the way I like it. No dirty dishes piled around my computer or trash wrappers in the sofa. No kids' shit cluttering up every flat surface.
I have known deep inside for a while that this life is not working for me, but I still do love my husband and really hoped we could work it out.
Stupid? Yes. I am the world's second-biggest fool. Second to him, because he's letting a really decent woman walk away from him.
All for his brats who don't give a shit about him now, and won't even be around in 10 years.
"My husband launched into a
"My husband launched into a long diatribe about how he doesn’t care that his son talks to him that way, so I shouldn’t, and that my “criticism” of his children has changed his relationship with them for the worse and he wishes he’d never listened to me regarding their behavior, which is perfectly fine. In other words, I was and am the problem."
I'm so sorry. I have also been told this by DH a few years ago. Its not true, its just that he can't or won't change their attitude so he tries to change yours. You're not mad or excessive or intolerant, using the f word to your parent is unacceptable and he's not only lost sight of that he's angry with you for highlighting his inability to manage his children's behaviour. You're in a very difficult position, a 15 and 18 year old are like terrorists only with a cockier attitude. For your own self esteem and sanity you need to stop putting more into this household than you're getting out, scale back your housework to your areas of the house and the things that matter most to you. Do not clean up after them. Don't put everything you make into the household, pay your share of bills and expenses and bank the remainder for your own purposes. Go out more, rediscover your hobbies, go crochet in peace in a coffee shop or join a sewing group. You must try to forge some life and happiness outside of DH and his children so you can ride out the storm till they are grown and less intrusive in your home. Be pleasant, be nice, don't get involved in their issues with DH and leave the room if friction starts. He has made it clear that your input and feelings re his kids are unwelcome so take him at his word. Leave them to fight it out among themselves.
I like what Manymoments said
I like what Manymoments said ! My SS8 has recently become disrespectful in MY house, and I have talked to SO about it, and he blames ME for his kid swearing, and not doing things that are asked of him (like putting a glass in the sink) and SS whines to get his way and of course Daddy give it to him. He is raising a spoiled brat, which is exactly what he never wanted.
We went out one night (custody falls that we have SS EVERY weekend)and SS was to spend the night at his cousins. He pitched a fit, locked himself in the bathroom and DEMANDED one of his parents come get him an hour into the evening. We couldn't be reached (thankGod) so BM went and got him. and it was MY fault that SS was sooooo upset and behaved badly!! I have detached. SO knows how I feel about his son and his parenting. Who lets an 8 year old swear at another adult !?!? My SO that's who. I love my SO, but I check out on custody days. I started reconnecting with friends, I joined a running group with some of my employees, I've started reading again. It's been the best thing I could do to save myself and my relationship !!