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Sick of deadbeat mother!

Lost_for_words's picture

I'm new to this site and reading some of these posts made me feel less of a monster lol. I'm 38, no bio kids, never wanted life plans were becoming successful, buying my dream home, car and probably 100 cats.  I met my current husband 4 years ago and he was recently divorced (twice) and had custody of his daughter (then 12) from his first marriage.  At that time his D would go with her BM 50% of the time. She is a lovely kid and I didn't loathe when she came with us for the week but things turned sour once we moved in together  I live in a big city with my own condo, career, family and friends  He lived 3 hours away in a small remote town. We got engaged and it was time to decide who would move. I did NOT want to move to where he was but his argument was "I dont want to take my D away from her BM"  so I requested a transfer and go it. I moved to his town and we bought our dream home with all the luxuries in life. I've never lived with a man, never engaged, super independent and successful. This was a HUGE life changing event. Especially since I moved away from everything I loved. About a year into us living together his D would spend less and less time with her BM saying her BMs bf was a bad influence and generally a loser. Her BM moved out and into a tiny shitty little house and things went south fast. My SD basically never wanted to be there since she didnt have what we had, like fast internet  Spoiled typical teenager. Last December SD says she cut her BM out of her life and does not want to see her ever again. Great, this means living with us 24/7. This has put a MAJOR strain on my marriage and we literally just tied the knot a month ago. I can't put into words the hatred I have for BM. She lost custody of my SD and also a son who lives with his dad in another city. I constantly feel angry, irritable and cranky. She is a good kid (16yo) but shes a typical teenager, lazy, irresponsible and just plain annoying to me  She works 2 to 3 nights a week at the other side of town where her mom lives  We drive back and forth every single time

ESMOD's picture

Is there hope/possibility of the girl getting her license and being able to drive herself?  Does your DH have expectations for what his daughter will do in 2 years? school/job/etc?

Honestly, a teen living in your home shouldn't be putting a strain on your relationship.  A 16 yo should be relatively self care at that point.. and the home you bought should be plenty large enough for you all to have your space.  Though, I get that you are going through a big adjustment.. you aren't used to living with anyone.. have you thought about seeking some counseling to help you deal with your feelings of frustration?  How about your husband?  do you feel valued.. a priority?  (not THE priority.. a priority)... does his daughter have relatively good manners.. respect etc?


tog redux's picture

Why is he letting SD cut her mother out of her life? BM didn't lose custody, DH is allowing SD to make a decision she shouldn't be making. 

Rags's picture

If BM has CO'd visitation then the Skid has no choice. If BM won't inforce her time with the SKid, then you do it. Kids are temporary residence in a home and in many cases in the life of their parents.  Kids grow up, kids have their own lives, parents need to do the same and not make decisions based on only kids.  You and DH locked into a place for a temporary circumstance.

The difficulty in pulling the trigger on a big life change is that the future is rarely what we think it will be.  Maybe you could consider transferring back to your former office and do the two home, two job weekend family interface thing for a few years until SD hits 18.  IMHO you did all of the sacrifice and DH did very little.  It is rare for that to work out well for all IMHO.

My DW and I moved back to the states a year and a half ago, bought a new home, furnished it just the way we want it, bought new vehicles, we both went to work with new companies all with the intent of settling in for the last ten years before retirement.  Then... life intervened.

I lost my position in March due to a corporate reorganization, and we have a large though short term debt load that is burning cash at a prodigious rate.  So, we are likely going to change the life model, go back overseas, keep everthing we have invested in over the past year, go to debt free again over the next 5-ish years and use our new home as our home base until we do retire in 10-14ish years.  Of course that plan may change as life unfolds. But... that is the direction we are working toward currently.

Not what we really wanted to do, but... it is what seems to make the most sense with the changes in our situation.

You may want to consider adjusting your new situation as well to find a solution that will hold until SD launches in a few years then there will be no need to accomodate for the Skid.

Good luck.


MaryJ's picture

I'm in the same boat, always been independent and made the choice to try something different in the name of love, never again!

I could have never imagined having the feelings I have felt since co-habitating with StepChildren.  The most ungrateful, entitled group of children I have ever seen in my life.  SP is not for me, especially whe BM is running around child free with her husband, while I'm dealing with her child daily.

No thank you.