Fiancé resents me
Me and my bf have been together 2.5 years and now live together. He has joint custody of a 7-year-old girl who can be bratty but is usually a good kid. I don’t mind spending time with her, but I do not want her to live with us. Right now she is with us every other weekend and some weekdays, simply due to the fact that her mother does not work outside the home, and my bf and I both work full time, so she spends more time at mom’s. Recently, her BM and her spouse were considering moving to the city and my bf asked me if I would consider SD7 moving in with us full time. I absolutely do NOT want her here full time!! Even though she’s a good kid she’s high maintenance and needy and needs so much attention. Even at her best, she’s a constant reminder of his previous life. He claims to understand and that we’ve moved past it but he still brings it up every time we argue he gets to throw it in my face. I would be miserable with a full time SK, I just know it. Am I a horrible person? How do we move past this ?
I would just ignore it and
I would just ignore it and move on. If he brings it up again say yes you might consider it. Then change the subject. It won’t ever happen anyway because BM won’t let it happen. Don’t worry about it. Assure him that you would do consider it if it came to that. It doesn’t matter that it’s not true. He doesn’t have to know. The reality is it will never happen unless BM dies.
No but this isn’t the
No but this isn’t the relationship for you. You present no evidence as to why this child shouldn’t be in your home other than she’s a kid and you don’t seem to kids. That’s not an attack on you. You just don’t seem to be a kid person.
On the other hand this is his child. He should never have agreed to not purse primary custody knowing he wants it.
You are both lying to yourselves and each other. Neither of you is wrong in what you want your just not compatible.
I think if you keep going down this path you will grow to resent and blame each other. He will blame you for any distance between him and his child. He will say (and rightfully) you didn’t want her around.
Then what happens if BM dies or anything else and the child does live with you. It’s possible when you’re dating someone with a kid. The child needs her father and you’ll grow frustrated having her around.
Get out now while you can and find a relationship that works for you.
Again this isn’t saying your evil or bad. This just isn’t right. You may love him fully but that doesn’t mean this is right for you or him.
Agree with this - except that
Agree with this - except that not liking your skid(s) doesn't mean that "you're not a kid person" as Trolls seems to think.
I am the epitome of a kid person. Oldest of 6 kids...the youngest of whom was 5 when I went to college. She was and still is my absolute favorite person in the world. I shared a room with her for the first 5 years of her life, and we went everywhere together. I did nursery, babysat. I taught high school. In every case, kids took a natural liking to me and I to them. I now have 6 (soon to be 7) neice and nephews (1 neice, 5 nephews...not sure about the newbie yet.) All of them adore me. My youngest sister and I take them on an annual vacation to the mountains, lake, or beach where we do kids stuff for 4-5 days. I used to take my baby sister to the playground, and with in 10 minutes all the kids there were trying to play with me/us.
Say all this to say...I STILL had so much trouble getting used to and liking my skids. They weren't bad kids, and the youngest even took to me right away. I loved her, and I care about all of them...I just had trouble having them in my house. It felt invasive and intrusive, and I had zero control over any of it. That's a tough pill to swallow as an adult who owns the home and is paying to maintain it...that there's this huge area of life where you don't really get a say. It can make you resent the skids and your DH, even if you don't want to.
I believe in being honest
I believe in being honest about not wanting to live with the child. That doesn't mean this relationship isn't okay for you NOW. If for some reason he gets custody then you can end the relationship at that time. A relationship is not a marriage. Some are not meant to be forever. Enjoy what you have while you have it - move on when things change. Just be honest up front about how you feel.
At some point the skids
At some point the skids always swap homes; it’s something that should be accepted and expected as skids tend to test the greener grasses more so than nuclear family households. It’s going to happen eventually, the question is when. If you can’t accept that then you need to part ways now.
I don't think this is true..
I don't think this is true...unless you mean after they've aged out of CS and BM is suddenly (miraculously) totally willing to let them live with you for a while.
Our skids never came to live with us, though sometimes DH fantasized about taking 1 or 2 of them for a while. I DO think all BDs have the idle fantasy that "one day the kids may live with me!" I think this fantasy increases when he has a GF/Wife in his life...because he starts picturing it as a nuclear family again. I know my DH did. Oddly enough, when I disengaged and was doing less for the skids, he quit talking about wishing they could live with us. lol.
OP - If your SD is needy, why is that a problem for you? How much do you do for her? Perhaps you should disengage or even not be there for her weekends. Give your DH some alone time with his little darling, and I guarantee that the talk of her coming to live with you will stop.
Also. My real advice is to find a man without kids. Very, very few men are worth the baggage that comes with being a stepmom, in my opinion. The odds that your boyfriend is one of them are slim.
You're not a horrible person
You're not a horrible person at all!
But you might be unwise dating someone with a kid you know you don't want.
When there's a kid involved, anything that affects the biomom could end in you living with that kid. And "anything" includes a long list: biomom losing a job, biomom's illness or death, biomom going to prison, biomom's financial distress... all kinds of things in biomom's life could force this kid into your house.
Why not break up? As long as you date someone with a kid, there is always the threat you might end up living with the kid. Breaking up would give your boyfriend a chance to be with his kid sooner than later and you won't have the uncertainity that comes with stepkids and biomoms for the rest of your life.
As for how to get past it, that will be hard. You have different priorities. If you know this means so much to him, why would you even want to stay with him? He will resent you even more when the kid lives really far away and he sees her less. Your BF will probably ramp up the pressure to get custody.
I say pack it in and go find someone whose interests align more with yours. Who wants to be saddled with a kid that isn't even theirs???? Or a guy pining for his kid????? I can't think of anything less sexy!
I agree- there is nothing
I agree- there is nothing less sexy than a kid and BM
Do you think BM would give up
Do you think BM would give up primary custody?
If not, play the game. Say something along the lines of you would consider is (that doesn't mean say yes) but you don't think it is realistically going to happen. Also point out that attaining a lawyer for a custody swap would be tens of thousands $$ potentially.
Kids are not disposable. If
Kids are not disposable. If you can't wrap your head around the possibiliy, no matter how remote, that this kid may end up in your home on a more full time basis then you probably need to exit the relationship.
Add in how your SO rubs your nose in the fact that you are not interested in a full time resident Skid in your life.... and I would say this decision is not a difficult one.
Move on.
You could move out if the kid
You could move out if the kid moves in- get your own place and continue the relationship.
That'll give you freedom and then your man has to deal with the kid fulltime, he'll think twice about it then.