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My DH wants me to love my SSs as if they were my own

MrsAM's picture

Submitted by MrsAM on Wed, 09/18/2013 - 9:17am

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Bio Child Free Zone

I've always LOVED children and really want some of my own, but as much as I've tried, I can't feel as if my steps were my own. I think that hurts my husband, but the children were 7 and 10 when I met them, so it's not like I've had time to form a true maternal bond. Also, part of me recents the fact that we've had to delay having children of our own because of different issues involving the steps. I feel so guilty not loving them as much as my husband wishes I did and about really being totally okay when they are not arround. How much do you love your step children? I love mine just maybe not as much as I should.

sbm014's picture

Submitted by sbm014 on Wed, 09/18/2013 - 11:31am

^^This

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Wed, 09/18/2013 - 10:46am

It is unreasonable to have your partner expect you to love his kids as if they were your bios. If you are kind and civil to them - this is all most of us can manage. I struggle with that, sometimes, to be honest, as I have had to put up with such a lot of terrible behaviour from my SDs.

RLZ0073's picture

Submitted by RLZ0073 on Sun, 09/08/2019 - 7:57pm

And I am sitting here, crying in the dark as this person sounds just like me... full of despair, loss and knowing I will never love these kids. I have always resented their mother as I have no clue what the hell she did sitting on her butt for 12 years as these kids are absolutely HORRIBLE. She even calls her own kids b&tches and joysuckers.

Now I find myself resenting him now too. I don't know if I will ever love him like I used to. I cringe when he touches me as to me it seems like he has no 'huevos' to discipline these kids or not accept the ex's total bullshit lies just so she can dump these hellspawn for extra days, in addition to their damn dog.

MrsAM's picture

Submitted by MrsAM on Wed, 09/18/2013 - 1:36pm

I think partly it has to do with BM's parenting style and personality and I'm totaly different. He wants a good influence on his children, but I do think he expects too much of me, but I still try. For example, when they are over, he prefers if we are all together hanging out as a "family." He does not prefer for me to be doing my own thing somewhere else around the house. I do always try to hang out with the children SS15 and SS11 and play board games and video games and things with them, but other times I'm just tired and want to be in my room reading a book. For this, sometimes I get a disappointed sigh from DH.

sbm014's picture

Submitted by sbm014 on Thu, 09/19/2013 - 7:20am

Ignore the sigh - it is important especially as a stepmother to be able to walk away and do your own thing part of the time.

You can love the kids but you will never love them as your own.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Thu, 09/19/2013 - 3:11am

I think you will find that very few biological (ie not step)families function like this. When ExH and I were bringing up our bios, at these ages we would very occasionally do something like a board game together, but most of the time they would do their own thing. I don't think its right for SKIDs to get treated like honoured guests and amused all the time by their parents.

If you want to go and read a book - I suggest you go, and totally ignore DH rolling his eyes.

TraumatizedSM's picture

Submitted by TraumatizedSM on Fri, 09/20/2013 - 4:34pm

I don't understand why Bio Parents expect Step Parents to have the same devotion for their bio kids. I have raised my SD since she was 4 she is now twelve but I have more affection for my nephew that I have only see a dozen times. Not that I didn't try, I did but that parental bond is just not there. It is Specially difficult when the BM is always undermining any progress you make whether intentionally or not. Don't let your DH make you feel guilty because it is not fair to you.

Michel71's picture

Submitted by Michel71 on Sun, 10/06/2013 - 2:26pm

I too was in the same boat. My SO told me " I want you to love my daughter as much as you love me". I reacted immediately with " THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE". Then I explained why. I think he gets it now but it took a while. At least I am nice to her but I do get on her case because my SO let's her get away with not doing chores and essentially being a baby. My SO was also on the kick that I should entertain his kid. I wouldn't.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 09/08/2019 - 8:14pm

If your DH wants  you to love his kids... he needs to parent them and forge them into people who are worth loving.

End of story.