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I am the only "mother"

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

I am the only "mother" present in ss8's life. BM basically pops up around the holidays. I am exhausted. I am raising a kid and I have no legal status. We have mutual love for each other and he respects me as a parent without question but he is now old enough that the line is clear and I am other instead of mother. I've made it clear that I am not mom because I figure the kid is confused enough but I am exhausted emotionally and spiritually none the less. There is no literature on absent mothers and the effect of their children, no little books to read him, no movies, nothing. He has an older half sibling by bm who her parents have adopted. He is borderline obsessed with the idea of having a sibling, not really the actual sibling though. Dh and I reached out to the grandparents for years to try to establish a relationship for the two kids but the grandparents have made it very clear that they want only minimal involvement with ss, and only at the holidays. The grandparents are well off and stable; as far as we know bm does not use drugs. Ss is in counseling for abandonment problems. The situation is bizarre, beyond any thing I can comprehend, and I am so totally exhausted by it all. I have been through bm making life hell like she was a crazy person but even then she was minimally involved and seemed at least vaguely interested. It seems that the interest Nd involvement had little to do with ss though. I just don't know what to do but keep on going and ignore the incomprehensible situation. I'm frustrated and tired and have no rights and according to our attorney we don't legally have a case for abandonment. I'm just venting. Poor ss is so very confused and has issues. To be honest the whole thing is crazy making. I feel like its given me some issues of my own.

sterlingsilver's picture

I'm the only mother in ss16's life. He seems ok with it that way now. I know dh tried hard to keep dh's ex gf in ss16's life as a surrogate mother, but luckily that seems to have phased out.

Rags's picture

I am the only full time dad that my SS-20 has ever had. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo.

He knows I am his dad even though he has always known and had interface with his SpermIdiot and the SpermClan. My SS is the oldest of the SpermIdiots 4 out of wedlock children by 3 different baby mamas. SS is our only.

However, periodically he did go through the drive and need to have a closer relationship with his SpermIdiot and the SpermClan though mostly with the SpermIdiot spawned half sibs. That is one thing that I would not deny him or even interfere with. In fact I have supported that relationship and encouraged it.

I find it odd that the WombDonial grandparents would deny their grandchild (your SS) not only a relationship with his sister but with the grandparents themselves.

Interestingly my SS never wanted his mom and I have to have children. He liked being an only child in our home. As he got older he began to explain why. He saw how his SpermIdiot and the SpermGrandParents struggled to support his three younger half sibs and how the young ones suffered because of the SpermIdiots and SpermGrandParents idiotic parenting methods and did not want our children or himself to suffer the same way.

Not that we would have not had kids because of that. We had no joint kids because carrying and giving birth to the Skid nearly killed my wife and I would not jeopardize her health to spawn.

Even though the SpermClan including the half sibs have had little to do with my SS since he aged out from under the CO nearly 3 years ago my son feels a strong sense of responsibility to his sibs. He is actually flying to SpermLand on Wed to try to get #3 and #4 to realize that the SpermIdiot's example as "an idiot with a gangster complex" as my son refers to him, is not a good life plan for the two youngest spawn to follow. #3 was arrested last week in a car with a group of friends, in possession of a bong and pot and for pointing a toy gun at the police who pulled them over.

This will the kid’s first trip to SpermLand and first face to face interface with the SpermClan since Oct 2011. They make no effort to interface with him at all and it breaks his heart when he tries and gets nothing in response.

Your son will figure out that you are his REAL mom but the pull of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool will likely be a struggle that he will deal with for his entire life. I am hopeful that my SS figures out that the SpermClan are a waste of his time, emotion and loyalty and moves on. However, I know that at worst that will not happen or at best is extremely unlikely.

Good luck - Mom.

Sincerely,

RainbowsAndDaisies's picture

Dh has sole physical custody, bm has reasonable visitation at his discretion and 50% legal custody which she does not use. Our attorney says that because she pops up one- five times a year for brief hour long visitations, we don't have a case for abandonment. She must be absent for a solid 12+ months in our state. I would very much like to adopt ss.

3Libras06's picture

I can completely relate to you on this. As of last week I am now the fiance. Before I was the overbearing girlfriend who was getting into BM's business and had no rights in court. There's a nasty custody fight going on for SS in my situation and I've been told a million times that I have no rights, I'm not even a guardian. But guess who everyone asks questions that they need to know for lawyers and SRS? Yep.

It sucks. SOMEDAY your SS will understand what you went through for his wellbeing and it'll really only be his knowledge and respect that'll matter in the future.