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Had It Up To Here with Her!

NikLove16's picture

I need HELP! Step mom to 4 kids for 9 years, well only 2 are living with us now. Husband has had full sole custody of kids since the youngest was 2 years old. My issue, their bio mom has done everything she can to ruin my husband and our kids lives. She has manipulated our kids to the point of concocting scenarios for them to leave our house. I have proof of all of this, between FB messages and text messages. Our oldest son she had him get child services involved and we were not in the wrong. So he's gone now and is 18 living with his girlfriend. Our other son decided to move out when we found him hiding alcohol in his room, sneaking out and lying about where he was at. He's gone and went to live with his bio mom and six months later, surprise he knocked his girlfriend up. He's about to be 18 in May. We have 2 girls left and she already has been trying everything she can with our oldest daughter who is now 15. It's to the point where she tells our daughter to lie to us and not tell us that she's been with her alone or in the car. All of which is not allowed by the court divorce decree. She has a past that includes heavy drug use, verbal and physical abuse, and abandonment. Our daughter acts differently especially towards me when she comes back from visiting her "grandparents house". I'm not stupid, I know exactly what's going on and where she's been. I have found vapes and drug paraphernalia in our daughter's belongings. This woman is a horrible influence on her, and yet, I see the same pattern happening that she used on both of our sons. This is harmful and destructive behavior to our kids and yet I feel completely helpless! My husband is a passive aggressive person and basically lets things slide until it overwhelms him. I tell him what is going on and he says don't worry I have custody, she can't do anything. But...she's already taken 2 of our kids away from us. Our girls, 15 and 13 are so impressionable right now and she can completely take advantage of that. What do I do? How can I protect our kids and our family?  

tog redux's picture

Welcome.  They aren't "our" kids, they are DH and BM's kids. She's their mother, whether you feel she's been a good one or not, and whether or not she's raised them. Kids kids feel drawn to their bio parents, especially train wreck mothers like her, who are in and out of their lives and make a lot of promises. They are biologically wired to attach to parents for survival, so they try even harder to attach in the face of a parent's instability.

This is a common scenario on here, kids who are drawn back to a toxic mother as they become adolescents. There's not much you can do for it except try to help kids think critically and enforce the court order if you know she's violating it.  But I'd urge you to stop thinking of them as "your" kids, because that leads to heartbreak down the line.

 

NikLove16's picture

While I respect your opinion, I don't agree. They are our kids. They are my kids, I've raised them since they were little. She was wherever and/or in prison when I was wiping their little butts. His family begged me to be their mama and I have been, the whole time! I stepped up and was there for them continuously and will continue to be. I've recently found pics of our daughter vaping with her bio mom alone in a car. If we know about this and don't do anything about it that makes us an accomplice to soliciting a minor. She may have given birth to them but that is it, she has no rights to them. She's not even suppose to be with them at all unless there is supervised visitation which clearly has been violated. To say these aren't my kids is just not realistic, these kids and my husband are my life! I will do whatever I have to do to protect them and keep my family safe! 

tog redux's picture

OK, well carry on, then.  Even though you've seen that they are drawn to her despite everything you've done for them.

And by the way, you have no rights to them either.

Also, I said to enforce the court order if she violates it, not to let her get away with it. Of course you should do something if she's doing harm to the kids.  But that doesn't mean you can stop what's happening. You can take away a parent's rights, but you can't remove that parent from the child's heart and mind.

NikLove16's picture

They are drawn to her because she lets them do whatever they want to do. Any kid would be drawn to that. But she is endangering them, and I do have rights. They live with us, under my roof, we have been raising them. I enrolled them in school, I take them to doctors appts, etc. I am the first one on the list as far as who can take them in and/or out of school. We will enforce the court order and I think even call the cops and have her arrested for giving drugs to a minor. I really hoped that she would've been able to change her ways and be a positive influence on our kids. But her actions have proved otherwise. Her manipulating them was a nuisance but now with pics as proof of her misconduct around our kids and harmful behavior we have all we need to prove how unfit she is. I know this hurts the kids, but we are their parents and it's our job to protect them from people like her, even if she is their bio mom. The problem is as step parents we get told too much that our spouse's kids aren't ours, but they are, in every way but blood. I entered into a marriage and took the role as mom from the very beginning and I take that role very seriously!

Thank you for your feedback!

tog redux's picture

But - you only have rights because your husband gives them to you. You do not have any legal rights to them separate from that. The law does not see them as your kids, and the kids are not seeing themselves as your kids, so you can push back against that all you want - it's the truth. And as soon as they are legally able, they can leave and be with the person they DO view as their mom - her.

I know that may seem hurtful and it's not meant to be - it's truth.  Of course she should be held accountable if she does things illegal and harmful to the kids. But if you think that's going to stop them from gravitating towards her, you are sadly mistaken.

Kinder1's picture

Agree never forget they are not your kids. It will break your heart down the line. 

Harry's picture

It's up to DH to try to stop this. And he not doing a thing.,   The bad thing about SP is you raise then but bio parents have all the control.  They are trying to please BM.  BM is filling there heads with junk, giving them drugs what can be better.

All you can do, and you don't want this answer, is to disengage, let DH handle everything.  Say good by to the girls .

advice.only2's picture

It sounds like your husband's passive aggressive attitude has been working out really well for him and the children...eye roll.

Honestly since neither parent seems all that invested in the children's best interest if you really are that concerned you could contact CPS and basically turn your husband in for will full neglect, since he is the custodial parent and is blatantly turning a blind eye to alleged drug use by the children.

Therapy might help your DH learn how to address his inability to effectively parent his children and give them rules and boundaries.

ETA: I was a full time SM to a child whose mother was an addict, in and out of jail, etc. My DH was a bury his head in the sand type and did little if anything to reduce the toxic input Meth Mouth had is Spawns life. At 17 Spawn left our house to go live full time with her maternal grandmother and never returned.

Sometimes nature is just too strong and overrides the nuture no matter how badly you want to help the kids. In my case I had to drop the rope and let DH and Meth Mouth be the parents they should have been all along. It didn't work out of course, and Spawn has turned out pretty close to her mother, which was expected. But I didn't create that sh@t show and had to learn to let it go and make peace with it.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Yep. OP did the hard work of parenting and, as you said, kids will always be drawn to bioparents no matter how awful they are. But - OP's husband, in my opinion, has no obligation to BM. He does have an obligation to his wife, who cared for his 4 kids for him.

It's insulting to me that he would fail to at least try to uphold the state's ruling and protect the kids from BM's influence. I'm insulted for the OP who has put in years of work to be, in a sense, allowed to be pushed aside for BM. I'd expect it from the kids but the husband should have OP's back. OP has played the mother role for the grunt work but when she tries to exercise decision-making and judgment, he does not support her. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I'm am truly sorry. But everyone is being brutally honest with you. The BPs will always be who the children desire to have a relationship with the most.

There is definitely a much stronger connection even if the parent has been absent. I have seen it time and time again kids walk away from Thier adoptive foster parents to go live with thier bioparents once they are old enough. 

Kids will always have a longing and feel a sense of loss that even the most amazing OP can't erase. 

I saw it in my own home growing up. My oldest brothers mother died when he was an infant. My mother raised him since he was little. . Once he became a teenager, his anger over not having his mother was evident. He turned on my mother and blamed her for every negative feeling he felt. 

When our father defended her, my brother shunned him too. Even though nothing he did was going to ever bring his mother back and he never even knew her. It didn't seem to matter. He knew my mother wasn't his mother and he didn't want her to be. 

He is now in his 50's and barely speaks to our parents. He will call on holidays or come to a funeral when someone dies. But that's it and he doesn't live very far. I haven't seen my brother in 13 years. 

It's weird because he always had a very close relationship with my mother's parents and would always come see them when they were alive. But he never reconneted with my mother. 

I can tell you my mother was strict, but she was also very loving and always there when you needed her. Even  my friends like my mother and treat her like their own. 

But not the child she raised. 

tog redux's picture

Yep. Courts think they can erase a bio parent by taking away rights, but it doesn't work that way for the kids.  I've seen it over and over in my work, too. Especially if that bio mother is still close by and playing the victim. 

Winterglow's picture

I cannot believe that you are only thinking about calling the cops! THINKING?! Are you serious, lady? If anyone (and that includes family and friends) had given either of my children drugs, I'd have been in the police station with the proof immediately! What are you waiting for? And why are you allowing her to violate visitation? Who's supposed to be supervising visitation? Why not insist that visitation only happens at a supervised visitation centre?

You say you intend to protect the kids but you have the means of doing so and are not using them. Why not? You are not nearly as powerless as you claim...

Rags's picture

Time for zero tolerance, total destruction of BM.  No more thinking about calling the police on her. Do it, each and every time she vilates the law and file a contempt motion any time she steps out of line with the CO.  Lather............... rinse................ repeat.

If you and DH are going to protect your kids from the shallow and polluted half of their gene pool it is time to bring the pain and keep bringing it until they age out from under the CO.  They need the facts about BM's drug use, physical and verbal abuse, abandonment, etc.... and they need to keep hearing the facts with direct ties to her manipulation of them.

You don't have all that much time to put BM in her place and tune your kids to be able to recognize her crap and protect themselves from duplicating her shit life and failed character.  A decade of more, in our case we had 16+ years, is barely enough time to successfully apply this model.  You have far less time than that so your use of it has to be even more firm and brutal than if you had more time. Your sons are likely a lost cause. The 15yo daughter may be nearly there as well.  Focus on the youngest. You may just have enough to save her from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.

Good luck.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

You only have rights and responsibilities over these kids if your husband delegates them to you. It sounds like he has delegated *tasks* to you. You have done the work of mothering four (4!) stepkids. But you don't have control over what happens because your husband doesn't. He can't delegate it to you of he gives it away to BM.

He is the only one who can legally take steps to enforce the fact that BM has no custody. Why isn't he doing that?! She is clearly a bad influence. 2 stepsons have become teen parents already, and the young teen stepdaughter is vaping with her? Your husband doesn't sound passive aggressive. Just passive!

He needs to fight to eliminate the bad influence from their lives. You have worked hard to parent these kids. His kids! It's time for him to step up and do something hard for once.