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How far to take disengaging?

jct918's picture

A little update to my previous "living arrangement" post (referring to my BF's 12 year old daughter)...the conversation about needing to stay at his house when he has his daughter went well. He sees/understands what a challenge she is. But recently I can't stand being around her. You never know when her mood is going to snap. This past Sunday we were at my house for dinner and things were great until the conversation came around to where she is going to school next year (super long story - her mom moved to another district and put her in a new school last year... that whole story is a post in and of itself). Everyone was on the same page 2 weeks ago, and now her mom is waffling saying she needs to talk to her dad about it. Of course, when things don't go her way she throws a fit. I just went into the kitchen and started cleaning up. She came in and when I looked at her she said "What? You're just giving me dirty looks" I said "you deserve dirty looks - you're a rude, ungrateful disrespectful little girl." Ultimately, she ended up going to her mom's that night. Yesterday, she was having issues with texting (said she couldn't text her mom - I have a feeling she was just ignoring her... she was able to text her dad). My BF told her to see if she was able to text me... after we saw that it worked she sent me "sorry for being a butthole. I know that doesn't make anything better." My response, "Thank you for that, but talk is cheap. You need to think about how your're treating the people that care about you." (she apologizes all the time, but never changes her behavior). Her response, "Okay, whatever. sorry for apologizing". I didn't respond to that.

I know there will be an issue tonight... she has softball games (double-header) and I really don't want to go. My BF will be hurt, but I really want to send a message that I don't allow people to treat me the way that she has been and continue doing nice things for them. I also don't want her to think that she has the power to break up her dad and me, so I'm torn. All of the adults in her life allow themselves to be manipulated by her, and I refuse to add myself to that mix. Ugh.

jct918's picture

I would never turn my back on her in an emergency! I have consistently told her that I want her to be successful in whatever she chooses to do, but she needs to want it more than I want it for her and that doesn't mean that I will do it for her. But she appreciates nothing that anyone does for her, thinks she is entitled, is disrespectful, and thinks she is the center of the universe. I don't let adults treat me like that!

TASHA1983's picture

I agree, if you are going to remove yourself to that extent then both parties need to "think ahead" and have other options for emergency situations.

My DH knows that I would never do a thing or lift a finger for his brat (unless I CHOOSE to) so he knows never to expect anything from me and bc we are on the same page with these things we can avoid unnecessary situations. It works for us.

TASHA1983's picture

I commend you on how you handled the kitchen conversation...kudos to you for putting that disrespectful troll in check. You handled that well imho. You are doing her a GREAT service, even if you are the only one with the "balls" to stand up to her and put her in check. Wink Smile

jct918's picture

Thank you for your suggestion! Most times what you suggested is the way I speak to her (but believe me, I'm surprised I still have a tongue after how many times I've had to bite it!!). I often say "you can do whatever you want, that's you're choice but know that your choices have consequences and don't expect me to support them." I've told her that her in the past that her time in my house is numbered if she doesn't change her attitude... I am now following through on that. I honestly think she's in shock that someone is actually doing what they say they will do and she has no idea how to control the situation. Her mom, dad, grandma are all emotionally reactive to everything... no one knows when to just shut up, walk away and ignore her. I'm the only one that does that.

And yes, I kind of agree about the game. My thought now is to just meet my BF there - she needs to get there an hour early to warm up, so he can pick her up and bring her back to her mom's and I'll take my own car.

notasm3's picture

I consider kid ballgames to be the epitome of cruel and unusual punishment. So I would never even consider going except maybe once (to prove how boring they are). And I love college and professional sports and go to many games.

jct918's picture

LOL!! I would tend to agree with that, but I actually enjoy the other parents and usually have a pretty good time. The team is pretty good, so it's not too horrible. And she's in the dugout the whole time, so I really don't have to deal with her. Smile

InvisibleStep's picture

I have two step daughters(10 & 12). There are many times where I feel like I am in a constant battle with them and want to just throw in the towel. I've considered distancing myself from them and to stop going out of my way to do nice things for them. But when I sat back and really thought about it I changed my perspective. I agree that she shouldn't be disrespectful to you. That is not ok. but you can tell her that in a non confrontational way. If you come back at her with negativity that's not going to help. I think the best thing to do is the opposite of what we really want to do. Try to play a bigger role in her life. Go to her events, talk to her more, try doing things with her and taking her places. It's hard at first because it'll seem like she doesn't appreciate it but over time it will make things better. The nicer you are to her and show her that you want to be a part of her life, the less disrespectful she will be. and honestly....you'll be happier too and so will your BF.