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"Just stop"

jct918's picture

SO gets a phone call from his 14 year old daughter's science teacher that he took away her phone and she gave him attitude about it. This happens constantly, but with the start of the new semester, they start back with a clean slate and just get a warning. Next time, a parent will have to go to the school to pick up the phone. I've been pretty close to completely disengaged, but he felt the need to share his text conversation with her:

SO: did you get your phone back?
SD14: huh?

SO: I guess you got your phone back.
SD14? What? I've had my phone all day.

SO: So why did your science teacher call me and say he had to take it away?
SD14: Oh yeah, that.

SO: And he said you gave him an attitude when he took it.
SD14: Just stop.

SO: No, I'm not going to stop - I'm the parent.
SD14: You only talk to me when it's something bad. You're never here for me when I do something good.

SO: Don't give me that crap... I've been trying for 2 months to see you so you can get your Christmas and birthday presents, and you blow me off every time to be with your friends.
SD14: Oh. Sorry.

sammigirl's picture

Stay disengaged. Teens ugh...

If SD14 doesn't listen to SO, she won't even hear you, never less listen.

This is a teen issue for SO and you will be glad you never engage with this SD. Just say nothing and let Dad handle it. Silence is Golden on your behalf.

When I married DH 38 years ago, SS15 was creating daily problems in school, out of school, with BM, you name it. I NEVER said a word. SS15 would stay with BM for a few weeks, then get mad and move in with us for a few weeks, back and forth.

I didn't get involved, until he was 22. With DH present, I lost my patience one morning at the breakfast table and told SS that I was tired of him laying around on our couch without a job. I told him to have a job within 24 hours, stop driving our vehicles, he would not receiveo $$$ from us, he could no longer use our phone, last but not least, if he didn't have a job in 24 hours, he was to move out. He moved out the next day, has never obtained any of the above; this was 30 years ago.

He spent 15 years in prison, another long story. Not my parenting problem, so don't make it your problem.

Good luck, set boundaries for yourself, and tell the little Princess she has to talk to her Dad for anything.

jct918's picture

Oh, it's not my problem at all! I've been very clear with boundaries with regard to his daughter - he really doesn't involve me in anything or expect me to participate in anything. I tried that in the beginning (almost 4 years ago) and it didn't work. Honestly, since I disengaged my relationship with SO is way better. Not sure why he decided to share exchange with me. I think he sometimes looks for validation when he doesn't fall for her guilt trips. She has turned into a mini version of her mother, and he's come a long way with establishing boundaries with both of them. I'm actually quite proud of him. When he would complain to me about either of them, I would tell him every time - "you need to stop allowing people to treat you that way. As long as you continue to let them manipulate you, it will never end. Give your answer, stick to it, and be done with it. Let them scream, rant and rave, call you a POS, etc, etc. That's their problem - you're doing nothing wrong and are a good dad. Your ex can yell and scream and threaten court, etc but she honestly doesn't have a legal leg to stand on, which I'm sure at the end of the day she knows, and why she NEVER follows through with any of her threats." And ya know what?? It's worked.

So sorry to hear about your SS, but good for you for getting him out. It's too bad it fell on you to be the bad guy and not your DH.

Totheend12345's picture

See my last response would be what have you done good so I can say good job!!

Sounds like a real peach! I am sorry you all have to go thru this. Does SO pay for the phone? I would be shutting it off.

jct918's picture

That's a good one. He actually ended with "well, the only time I ever hear from you is when you want something."

Her BM actually took control of the phone last year (she needs control of EVERYTHING), and is paying for it now - another long story. My guess is the school could not get a hold of her so they called my SO. I just said "well, SuperMom is now in control of the phone, so I guess it's not your problem - she seems to always have it all figured out."

Rags's picture

Oh how the character of children has degraded since the esteem movement kicked in and trips to the woodshed for a talk with the razor strop went out of vogue.

This kid is the poster child for the resurgence of the razor strop discussions behind the woodshed.


jct918's picture

I told my SO I had to disengage because it was only a matter of time before I hauled off and smacked her across the face. That would NOT be good for anyone involved!
Last summer he actually put her up against a wall after she took his cell phone (he had taken hers because she was being an asshole) and locked him out of the house. She was in a peer group of girls run by a local counseling center and apparently decided to share. CPS showed up the following week. WTF

momjeans's picture

^^^ So much this, what Rags said.

“Just stop.” Curious if SD speaks to SO like this to his face.

If I would have spoken to my mom like that, she would have popped me in the mouth.

jct918's picture

Yes she does. She has absolutely no respect for him and it's disgusting. She's treats him just like her mother treats him - apple fell right next to the tree there. She's going to grow up a mirror image of her borderline mother.

My dad would have put me through a wall if I ever spoke to either of my parents like that!

marblefawn's picture

"Just stop."

Yea, my 31-year-old SD tells her father that on the rare occasion when he calls her on something. Even more dismissive for a 14-year-old to say to her father. She clearly has no respect for him. She's running the show and she's not afraid to let him know it.

Acratopotes's picture

Blum 3 Blum 3 I would laugh and every time DH asks me something I will reply with "Just stop"

stay disengage and make it clear to DH, if teacher takes the phone and he has to collect it, she's not to get it back till end of semester..

Cara1128's picture

Oh Stop...letting SD have a phone.
Oh Stop...getting Sd presents
Oh Stop...asking SD questions
Instead...SD comes home straight from school
Instead...presents are only things she needs
Instead...parents TELL SD what is acceptable/unacceptable

jct918's picture

Couldn't' agree more. Bio mom now has control of the phone...SO took it away from her last summer (which bio mom does constantly and tells him he's not hard enough on her with the phone and he never should have gotten it for her, etc etc). After he took it away from her, he got a text from an unfamiliar number. It was SD: "I got a new phone, this is my new number so you can't control me with it anymore." Bio mom went out and got her a new phone and put it on her plan. Needless to say, SO is DONE with it. If bio has to be in control of everything, well so be it. I think the only reason he got the call from the school is that they couldn't get a hold of mom.

She hasn't stayed with him in months. And he knows that in the off chance that she needs to, they have to stay at his house (after 3.5 years together, we still maintain separate homes - exactly because of this!!)