PAS, normal teen, or ??
I've disengaged from my SO's daughter (14) - it's been close to 2 years now. For me, it's been great. I don't deal with anything, no one expects anything from me and I've asked him to not tell me about HCBM's texts and rants. He's done a pretty good job at that part, but sometimes does need to vent.
The thing is that now he never sees his daughter. Her mom moved about 20 minutes away, but whole new school district, etc. All of her friends are there - she has none left around us. So I get wanting to be with her friends, especially at this age. My SO does too, but he sends her texts during the week to let her know he's thinking about her and asks when they can get together. She always says she's busy.
Well, yesterday he was talking to his oldest son (22) and asked when he wanted to get together. He started rattling off his work schedule, etc., then said we have SD14's thing Wed. night. SO asked "what thing?". SS22 got really quiet, realizing SO knew nothing about it. Him and SD14 are going to be in a talent show together. No one told him, and he spoke with SD14 just a couple of days ago. Needless to say he's incredibly hurt.
I've thought for a while that HCBM was definitely trying to alienate the kids from him. The older two (boys) kind of see through it now, but the 14 year old is a different story. She's an extremely manipulative kid (like her mother), has no respect for anyone (like her mother), and expects the world to revolve around her (like her mother). HCBM has a huge problem with me - I honestly think it's becase I'm everything she's not (indpependent, educated, sucessful), and sees all of her shortcomings. I do think she's afraid her daughter will like me too much (which she did in the beginning and it was crystal clear mom wasn't having it). I've never, ever overstepped anything... when SD would ask to get nails done or buy makeup, etc. I always told her that's something you should do with your mom.
Anyway, I'm just trying to be supportive to my SO as he feels like his little girl is slipping away from him. Any words of wisdom??
Kids don't get to choose whether or not to visit.
There is a CO that governs visitation. Any time SD refuses to visit... DH needs to nail BM with a contempt motion for denying him his CO'd visitation with his child. BM is the CP and is responsible for surrendering the Skids on schedule just as DH is responsible for returning the Skids on schedule. SD may not want to visit but when she hears of mommy getting smacked around in court by a Judge... she will visit. She may blame daddy for being mean and getting mommy in trouble, etc... but she will visit.
The tendency for NCPs to tolerate this kind of crap has always been mind boggling to me. Kids don't get a choice. They do what they are told.
It is probably partly PAS,
It is probably partly PAS, partly bad role modelling, but part of this is normal teen behavior.
I would offer for her to bring 1-2 friends most weekends. Occassionally I would offer to treat them to rollerskating, a movie, the mall or something. Peer relationships are important to teens, and a house with no friends can be boring. Let them make brownies, and maybe something a bit junkie for dinner. like mac and cheese. Get a few games and movies they can play.
Having them entertained means less time they will spend antagonizing you.
We Tried This
with skids' cousins (since my skids were so horrific, they could never have Any friendship with nice kids--only no achieving budding felons)
Of course it will infuriate the BM for her to know skids are having a good time at your house. That is one of the "tests" to know if BM is a PASer.
This method can work only if you have a semi normal and well adjusted BM. The Girhippo was PASed out when she was a child by HER BM, Battleaxe Galactica, so there was no hope for this method in our case.