Getting equal footing
So, here is my dilemma.
DW and I have been together for a year and just moved in to gether a month ago. We went through a period of a couple of weeks where she expected that I would just be there as a role model for the kids, but not really take part in the parenting of them. I had expected that I would be. Our communication could have been better prior to moving in so that's why this little issue. We have cleared it up somewhat and she has agreed that I can co-parent the children with her. Bio dad lives in CO (we're in TN) and he is pretty much not a part of their lives. He has called maybe once since we have lived here and saw them a total of 4 times in 2013, so I am basically the only father figure they have.
Here's the problem - I still don't feel like a part of the family.
What it looks like - She has an 8 yr old adopted son, a 7 yr old BS, and a 2 yr old BD. The two younger kids are fully hispanic like mom and bio dad. The oldest is white as am I. All the kids are allowed to be on X-Box, Wii, smartphones (they don't have their own), tablet PCs...basically they game and Netflix all evening every evening, and all day on the weekends unless we are at church or away from the house.
I can't talk much, I grew up much the same way with Nintendo and TV all the time.
Anyway it is just frustrating when I want to have some kind of order in the house so I politely remind the kids to pick up clothes, shoes, socks, games, toys, etc. Ocassionally though, their mom thinks I am being mean and picking on them by doing this. Most recently, when the 7 yr old bio kid got a stick of gum from the package, I asked him to make sure to throw it away when he was done with it. I had found gum on the hardwood floor and on the carpet in his bedroom before so I thought it a fitting reminder. I was not mean when I said this. She says to me "be nice". I told her I was, but considering that I had found gum on the floor that I wanted to remind him. She said "and it's your job to do that?" I told her "yes, it was". She walked off. I caught up with her to tell her that it's confusing what she expects of me and I went to our room to have some privacy. She came in later to say that she was sorry and she was wrong to do that (this was the second time that she chastized me in front of the kids for saying something to the kids about the way they behave).
I have a hard time feeling a part of the family because of this. The same day, we were all trying to do something together so she, I, and the 2 boys were playing Wii. I had never played the Wii before. The 7 yr old bio kid was the "leader" and plays the game non-stop all the time and enjoyed gloating how much better he was than me and his family. He would deliberately kill my character because I was having a hard time and laughed about it. I was frustrated but went along with it because everyone else was laughing and having a good time. I accidentally killed his character at one point and he started crying and pointed at me and told me I was a bad sport. I chastized him for his attitude, got a weird look from mom, and then I politely excused myself from the game. Shortly after, the game fell apart and everyone quit.
I said to bio mom that I was shocked at his behavior but that I didn't want to say anything to him (considering our earlier clash over the gum comment), and I started to say that I wanted to talk about it more, but she interrupted and said "that's good, it's ok".
Basically, these kids are the product of her and her ex-husband's personalities for most of their lives. I feel like since he is going to be out of the picture and I am, for all purposes, their full time dad, that I should be allowed to teach them as I would teach my own kids. We want to have one of our own soon, so we really do need to start allowing me to function as a father. Raising kids with two sets of standards is out of the question. She is trying I think...but for a year and a half, she was basically raising them on her own. She is having trouble trusting me to make good decisions for them and thinks that when I do, I'm picking on them. She apologizes, but that seems to be her first reaction.
I'm a little confused as to what to do. It isn't acceptable to me to not be a father to them given the circumstances. She tries, but falls back on old habits. Not sure what to do. Not even sure if I'm really asking for help, or just venting. But after reading what most of you say is your issue with your home life, I'm really concerned that this is going to turn into something that is a huge problem for us.
Thoughts?
"you didn't kill off his
"you didn't kill off his character by accident. You did it on purpose."
Cool. You would know, because you were there. It's the first time I played the game, I had no idea what I was doing and had no delusions of doing well. My point was that through the whole thing it was about playing fair and everyone having fun. Playing the video game, playing with friends, doing chores...you can't do anything with other people if you are going to cry when you don't get your way and start throwing accusations at people. But you've made up your mind and judged me. So, have it your way.
"You're just judgmental"
The pot and the kettle sue...the pot and the kettle.
"Does any of it make sense to say or think ALL stepkids are raised improperly and nobody is a half way decent parent except for step parents?"
Did I say that? Did I for once say that she has done a bad job? The EX, I didn't say it about him, but I damned well would! HE HASN'T BEEN THERE FOR THEM. He's a deadbeat dad. Get it? For the record...she is an wonderful mother! She has done an exceptional job with her children without any help. I love her for the person she is. However, yes, I see their father in them some as well. Forgive me for not wanting them to grow up and treat women the way he has, disrepect their home, be poor sports, and adopt his bad habits. If they choose to grow up and be drunks and smoke pot, is that ok because it was their bio dad's responsibility, not mine?
"the two of you are going to have to attend parenting classes together"
Great idea Sue!
"You are wrong as wrong can possibly be. Sorry, but it's true."
This is your opinion, and I respect that.
KISS...been together for over
KISS...been together for over a year. We did have the conversation. She says she wants me to be a father figure for them. It's not the intent that's the problem, it's the execution.
I'm sorry...I only mentioned
I'm sorry...I only mentioned race because I think it is part of a different issue that I neglected to add to my original post.
I don't know if she is aware of it, but she sometimes excludes her oldest (the adopted son who is white)...treats him a little differently. I really think this has to do with him being adopted, not him being white (I tend to throw in all the details, poignant or not). I don't know that she realizes it. She is harder on him. He is a little more independant than his brother (only about 6 months difference in age). And she will tell me she is going to go snuggle with the kids, but she only gathers her two bio kids up and leaves the adopted kid in his room playing xbox.
I've tried to mention this to her before, that there is a small disparity in how she treats them (because the adopted kid had mentioned it to me before). She said she would try to watch that, but that she didn't think she was doing it. Her bio kids both have fits when they don't get their way frequently and start waling (expected from a 2 yr old, but the soon to be 8 yr old should grow up a little).
It's not huge...she doesn't mistreat him in any way and she loves him dearly. It just seems sometimes like there is preference for her bio kids (she and her EX adopted him when she through she wasn't going to be able to have kids...then BOOM! she got pregnant).
Well...being that this is
Well...being that this is "where stepparents come to vent" I sorta figured that we all had a problem to discuss or vent about at least once while being here.
I think you have some baggage that you need to get over. I'm not crapping on anyone's opinion. Stop and examine your own approach to other people. You spew all this bile and act like you're the only one in the right or that is entitled to an opinion when you are the one jumping to judgement of other people and their situations.
Whatever works for you.
I only have little experience
I only have little experience having moved in with my husband only about a year ago, he has a daughter who is 6. She has at times lived with us 50%, EOWE and now every weekend.
Anyway, I would like to suggest that turning the household into one where your rules are followed and respected takes time, help from the other parent, patience, and realization which rules you will just have to drop. I would suggest agreeing with your wife to focus on one rule at a time that the both of you think you can implement.
If it isn't already established I would recommend focusing on respect from the kids towards you first. Making sure they acknowledge you, listen to you and if you ask them to do a simple task they should respond to that respectfully. Your wife needs to back you up on this.
Taking this slow approach I have been able to instill respect from my SD (she no longer ignores me or questions or thinks she can get away with something just because it is me talking and not her dad), we have been able to start having some meals at the dinning table, rather than all of them in front of the tv, we have worked tirelessly on saying please and thank you consistently and this no longer produces a tantrum when she is reminded that she needs to be polite but she will rephrase the demand as a question without fuss on most occasions and is getting better and better at remembering it herself. And most recently we have started getting her to ask to leave the table when she is done eating. None of these issues are huge parenting issues, and other than having a rude child on our hands I think SD would turn out just fine without them, but these rules and expectations of her behavior do make me feel more comfortable in the home, more part of the family and help to dispel resentment towards the kid.
So I would say, well done, you've got some ideas how to do things differently around your house, you've already opened up communication with your partner about that and that is the key. Now I would suggest that you and her agree on one specific area to focus on implementing in the house, and try to hold your tongue on the others for now, then when the new rule is established discuss implementing another. It will take compromise, patience and time. In one month you are barely settled into the house, you have to give all 5 of you time to establish your new roles with in the house and that will take time.
I think that you are doing it
I think that you are doing it exactly right. When you and your DW married you became equity partners in life including being equity parents to any children in your home. That makes you as much of a parent to your Skids as your DW is and far more of a parent than their Bio Dad is since he is not a full time father to them. You are. PERIOD!!
You are addressing inappropriate kid behavior and that is exactly what a parent should be doing.
If your DW has a problem with that then tell her if she does not like how you are parenting and disciplining your Skid then she can step up and get it done before you have to but that you will not ignore inappappropriate behavior from children in your home.
A parent is not a buddy to their children. A perent is an example, a mentor, a confidante, an advocate and a disciplinarian.
You are parenting. You wife is doing something less than parenting.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Thank you so much Rags! She
Thank you so much Rags! She is doing her best with her kids...but she got used to being a single parent and with constant heartache from her ex. I think a little bit of co-dependency developed with the kids and she leaned on them for emotional support probably more than she should have. It has occurred to me recently that she is just readjusting to "normal" life.
She has been stepping it up on the discipline front this week. Addressing things before I have a chance, or asking me to hold off while she deals with something, which she does. I don't 100% agree with how she handles some things, but she has been effective nonetheless...except with SD 2. But they do call it the terrible 2s.
Thank you again!
"I think that you are doing
"I think that you are doing it exactly right. When you and your DW married you became equity partners in life including being equity parents to any children in your home. That makes you as much of a parent to your Skids as your DW is and far more of a parent than their Bio Dad is since he is not a full time father to them. You are. PERIOD!!"
This is very silly to me. Moving in or marrying someone does not, in any way, make you someone's parent. You can't equate marriage with parenting. That's one message that both the kids and the mother are giving you. The kids have a father, and they know it regardless of how many times he's called or visited. They have their own feelings about him, and you can't replace him. You can be practical about helping with the children, but a spot as a parental figure does not come with the house key or wedding band, it's earned through time and effort, and it appears that currently there's not enough of either.
If I had a penny for every
If I had a penny for every time someone on this site judged me for my fkd up situation, I'd be rich. Don't worry, OP, I'm telling you...after 7 long years of trying to be a step-parent myself, I think you are right where you should be this early in the game. You're doing the right things. It sounds like it's the other people in your house who are confused about your role. At first, my DH expected nothing more from me than to be a "mother figure" and role model. I soon realized that was a bunch of crap since BM decided to have no contact with SD. So now I find myself being the only mom and now I'm the only mother figure.
It's been like a very long nightmare but the one thing that has helped me so far is disengaging. I let DH handle all the nasty behavior problems and even when he doesn't do anything about bad behavior, I just look the other way. Sad but true. It's for my own sanity and survival to just disengage and not care. I tell myself I just can't care if this kid grows up to be just like her BM who is a convicted felon and man-user. It seems like for you, disengaging isn't really what you want because it's your house and you have a right to set the rules you want. Just don't feel guilty for expecting order in your own house. You should. I felt the same way as you for the first 3-5 years...that I wasn't part of the family, that I had no say, that I wasn't on equal footing. Even though I still feel that way, it has gotten less with time.
Change is always hard and time is the only thing that can make change feel more "normal." In traditional families, getting married and having even just one child is hard enough but it helps that the transition from having no kids to having kids is somewhat gradual. On the other hand, as a step-parent, you are suddenly thrown into a situation of massive change all at once and there is just no easy way to transition, especially when you got 3 kids all at once!
Thank you Frustr8d1! That is
Thank you Frustr8d1! That is probably the most insightful response I've seen here and I appreciate your honesty. I really hate the idea of disengaging from them. Despite some things that really bother me, they are really wonderful kids. I have been there and seen them hurt because their BD would make promises to come see them and he would not show. He saw them 4 times last year, but was supposed to be there every month and have them for 6 weeks in the summer. The reality is SOOOOO far from what the expectation was. They deserve someone to love them and be the man that he isn't. To play with them, and be firm with them.
Since my post, we have been dealing with some issues with school, emotional fits over not getting their way, and missing their dad and their mom's family a great deal (we all left our home to move to another state for a better work opportunity for us both...). No doubt that last one is the root of the first two. But we've had some really great times too. The kid who I complained about with the video game - he was playing the game by himself the other day and getting frustrated to the point of crying because it was too hard. I walked in and asked if I could just watch him. He let me and he stopped crying. He enjoyed that I was there watching him. I took an interest and he was happy, so I was happy. He even asked me to play. Given the fiasco of family game time last weekend, he was very patient with me trying to "teach" me how to play the game. He started up the second player and we played together very calmly and cooperatively. It was the best time I've ever had with him.
The only thing I would
The only thing I would comment on is that there is probably one person in the household who would LOVE your attention - the adopted son. Sounds like he has been relegated to second-best, once mom had her birth children. Spend some extra time with him, he probably needs it. It will pay dividends in the future, because he will probably bond well with you - you are the two "outsiders" in some ways. Maybe once the other kids see how well you do with him, how he likes to spend time with you, listens to your advice and guidance, etc. they are bound to want to be included.
Families can originate with the simplest of things - maybe developing a relationship with this adopted son is how you can successfully make it happen.