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Bio-dad...AGAIN!

matthall1701's picture
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I don't know what to do here. Bio-dad lives in Colorado, I live in TN with my SO and her 3 kids whom I actively co-parent with her. We reached this arrangement because bio-dad had an affair for over 2 years before she found out...then he kicked her and the kids out, ruined her financially because he lied about their finances, and manipulated her throughout the course of their divorce. She was hurt beyond measure, and he would be a dick for months, not seeing the kids, saying he was going to come for a weekend, and then not showing up. He has been without a job until the last couple of months just because he was lazy and crashing with his girlfriend and his mom.

He even almost ruined our relationship because he told her kids and her family that he was coming back home to live with them and get back together with her (before she and I moved in together in TN)...which put family pressure on her (they don't believe in divorce even after how horrible he has been). This started by him taking an interest in the kids suddenly. He started calling every evening to talk to them. He convinced their mom he was changing, becoming a Christian, and was going to get a job where they lived so he could be close to the kids. Of course, he completely backed out after he had almost ruined my relationship with her and after the kids and her family had their hopes up. The kids were devastated. This lead to the decision to move to get away from the family pressure, to be further away from him and his painful manipulation, and to develop our relationship. So we've lived together for a couple of months and I've taken on the father role, which she agreed to and I love. She is wonderful, the kids are wonderful, and we are about to be formally engaged.

She and I have reconciled what he almost did to us, by the way, so don't want to discuss that. However, after he has not shown any interest in the kids this whole time, he only called once at Christmas to talk to them, he is now interested in talking to his kids again. He has done Facetime with them the last 3 evenings. My SO, who swears that he will not come between us again and who had said she has no interest in co-parenting with him ever just told me last night that she wants to get to where the three of us co-parent.

In an ideal situation where the bio-dad would have demonstrated interest and love for his kids and allowed their mom to have her own life free from his manipulation or judgement, I would be on board with this. But there has not been a single moment over the last 13 months of our relationship where he has shown that he is anything other than the exact oposite.

I don't want to be the bad guy that keeps him away from the kids or that tells their mom that this is unacceptable...but if he hurts them again, and he will, and if he manipulates her again, which I have no doubt he is thinking it, then when it all comes to light, I'm the one who is left to pick up the pieces of everyone's broken hearts. And it puts me on the outside because I'm not their dad...no, their dad is the man that they don't know how truly vile he has been to their mom and how little regard he has had for them.

I don't feel like my relationship with her is in jeopardy. But after he has been a son of a bitch like he has, the thought repulses me like no other that he would have a say in what goes on in our home, that he could show up at a ballgame and want to hang out, that he would dare feel any pride for the kids he has abandoned over and over that I've come to love as my own.

Help...any advice is appreciated. I know how I *do* feel...just don't quite know what I *should* feel.

Rhyleighblue's picture

Okay, time to pull up your big boy panties:

1. It doesn't matter if you love your skids like they are your own. You are NOT their a Dad. Is that harsh? That's REAL. Blood will ALWAYS be thicker than water. No step parent - regardless of gender - can ever replace a living parent. It cannot be done. Who are you hurting with your over protective instincts? Only yourself, buddy.

2. Yes, bio dad is a Dick. That's tough on the skids. Will they EVER see thru his manipulation and lies? Maybe. Someday. When they are middle-aged, maybe. Not likely while they are still kids. Why not? Because kids live in a world of magical thinking. To them, Hansel and Gretal isn't a story about vicious child neglect and abuse. It's a dream come true for two kids who were reunited with their loving Dad. Kids believe that a leopard really CAN change his spots. All of your efforts to reorient them to reality will only alienate them from you.

3. Mom has an OBLIGATION to co-parent with the Dad. You are neither Dad nor Mom. You aren't co-parenting with anybody. Legally (and morally) you have as much right to co-parent those kids as a grocery store clerk, a postman and a meth addict - combined. Every step parent is a "legal stranger" to their skids in every state of the Union. Go ahead. Cry about it. It will never change.

4. If you want to be treated with the same rights and respect of a parent then I suggest that you get married and have a kid of your own. Want to try for a kid without the marriage part? Then, as a man, you will automatically screw yourself out of every parental right to your own child. You need to educate yourself about the legal and social aspects of parenthood. It will help you to pull your head out of the clouds and get your feet on the ground.

matthall1701's picture

1. No, I'm not their father. That is obvious. Can a step parent ever replace a real one? Sure. I disagree with your assertion. I've known many adults now that will tell you that their step parent WAS their real parent growing up. In any case, I've never sought to remove him as their father and be seen as a father in their eyes. Never said it, never meant it.

2. What efforts have I made to "reorient" them to reality? When I talk to them, I do not say anything bad about their father. I never speak badly of him in front of them. My SO, that's another story. She knows how I feel about him and that I would never in a million years trust that he has honorable intentions. To the kids, my personal feelings about him stay out of it.

3. On paper, perhaps. He has screwed himself out of any kind of joint custody. They live with their mom full time. He has visitation, which he has done nothing but neglect. Her previous efforts to coparent with him have failed as it was nothing more than manipulation for him. As for your assertion that I "morally" have no right to co-parent the kids, BS. I suppose that's why parents can have their rights removed by the state...when they are a danger to their child as a meth addict, or jobless pot-head.

4. Yep, we are going to get married...we are engaged. Yep, we are going to have a child of our own. Feet are firmly on the ground and my head...well, if being optimistic about ones choices is having it in the clouds, then so be it...

You know, I don't get these forums. There are posts dedicated soley to trashing the ex which get nothing but hateful and everyone seems to be on board with as much bile and disgust for the bio-mom/dad and even let that stretch into the poster's SO and everyone stays just as happy as can be to trash and rant. Mob mentality at it's finest.

Yet a situation like this where I'm not asking for hatred, just advice in hopes I can head off another devastating heart break for children that I love, and it goes the other way where I'm the one in the wrong for being concerned about his treatment of these kids.

Rhyleighblue's picture

http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/family/articles/2010/09/16/helping_stepp...

"As a stepparent, it is especially important to respect the child’s relationship with their other parent. One of the biggest mistakes is to be critical or hostile toward the child’s other parent. Such behaviors can develop into a negative pattern that escalates over time, taking a toll on everyone. Likewise, moving into the role of the child’s parent too quickly, or pressuring them to refer to you as “Mom’’ or “Dad’’ when they already have a parent creates problems.

If these mistakes have already happened, it is important to start today to behave more respectfully toward a partner’s ex, especially when children are involved. If children have heard hostile comments made about their parent, apologize for the mistake and work toward building a relationship in which children learn that they can trust you will do what you say."

http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/tips-for-stepparents

3. DO encourage your stepchild to have one-on-one time with both of his or her biological parents.

"Some stepparents are threatened by their stepchildren spending time alone with their biological parent -- especially their spouse's ex -- but they shouldn't be," Steinorth says. "When you're supportive of it, you're sending the message that this isn't a competition for affection and that you truly want to see your stepchildren happy."

Read more: http://www.fatheradviser.com/step-fathers/mistakes-step-parents-make/#ix...

"First, don’t badmouth your stepchildren’s biological father. Your stepchildren are 50 percent their mother and 50 percent their father, so when you badmouth a parent, you’re essentially badmouthing them. This can be especially damaging in the beginning of the relationship when your stepchildren may see you as a threat or as trying to replace their father.

Remember that your stepchildren can overhear you as well, so don’t think that because they’re out of the room it’s okay to say negative things. Also tell your partner to refrain from badmouthing her ex around her children. If something must be discussed, do it when the children are out of the home. Really, it’s best to avoid this all together, so get in the habit of being nice – you may even like it."

http://women.2701.us/2013/05/16/6-golden-rules-for-step-parents/

"Rule #1: When you shame the parent you’re shaming the child. One of the most common issues I hear from step-parents is about how to deal with the different standards the ‘other’ parents are teaching our children, and then trying to deal with the impact it has on all the children in the blended family. Believe me, I understand the angst felt over these issues. Still, it’s important to never shame the birth parent in front of the child. You can say things like, “We won’t be doing things that way in our home. In our home it will be different.” But you can NEVER say things like, “I can’t believe she/he is doing/saying/allowing you to do that!” Or anything else that lands judgment on the other parent. Children take this personally. Not only does it cause low self-esteem it also causes them to protect the other parent, in defiance of you."

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/243

"4. It's important that the stepparent not have unrealistic expectations about their level of closeness or intimacy with the stepchildren. Relationships are built, and it takes time and shared experiences to create a meaningful one. The stepparent should also be aware that the child may be experiencing a fair amount of emotional confusion — and may in fact feel guilty that they're betraying their biological mother or father by having a close and caring relationship with their stepmother or -father. Great care and patience should be taken to allow the child an opportunity to work through those feelings.

5. The stepmother or -father should actively support the child's relationship with the biological mother or father no longer in the home. If you are in the role of stepfather, you should make it a priority to nurture a relationship between you and the biological father and to find every possible way you can to support a relationship between him and his children."

I could go on and on... but I won't.

libra2libra83's picture

Coming from a person who lived with my SF for years while my BF had multiple children and also played the "I want to make this work game", the whole situation sucks. There really is no way to keep a parent from having a say in how his/her child is raised...even if they are the biggest POS on the planet. All you can really do is BE THERE for the children. Step parents get the shaft when it comes to dealing with SC. We love them, take care of them, and sometimes consider them our own, only to be left in the dust legally.

Other then getting BF to sign his rights over to you, which probably won't happen, there is nothing you can do, or even say to control this situation. I tried to help my boyfriend with his manipulative ex, but it is to the point where we may not last if she gets her way.

MarselleB's picture

Don't worry, sounds like you guys moving will alleviate many problems. He can only have a say in your household if you let him, and so far it sounds like you plan to co-parent with your wife. A suggestion, if he does visit make sure both you and your wife go to a neutral place for the kid exchanges. He doesn't need to come to your house. Perhaps just give him one contact number, email or home phone.

If you guys don't empower him, not much he can do. I would talk to your fiancee, and make sure you guys have a solid co-parenting plan on how to deal with him, and possible situations that might arise. He doesn't need to be at any games, extra activities you sign the kids up for, not on your time. He can do those things on his time separately. (doubt that will happen)

I think you both sound like you've moved forward, and it really sounds like he isn't going to be visiting much either. I will bet he finds another gf and moves on...good luck.

dara1's picture

You don't have to like the kid's father. But one thing that stuck out in your posting, is that you think he'd have a say in what goes on in your home. That does not have to be the case for you to respect his parental role. His parenting time is according to the court order, or the agreement the parents have worked out. There are boundaries that you enforce. He has a say in how his household is run when the kids are with their father, not in how the mother's household is run when the children are with their mother. It's possible that the idea you have of co-parenting is unrealistic.

I don't think three people co-parenting, the mother, the father, and the mother's live-in boyfriend is a positive option. The parents co-parent or parallel parent, and then the the significant others work with the parent they're in a relationship with to make the rules for their household only.

If the mother and the father structure an agreement and the children are aware of it, then you never have to be the bad guy. An example, the father doesn't call whenever he feels like, it's a specific time, on specific days. If he calls outside of that time you don't have to accept the call. Boundaries like those let the mother and children gauge if the father is changing for the better without you having to fight with them or hurt their feelings on the topic.