7 vs 1
So i recently moved in with my fiancee and after many conversations my fiancee and i decided that I would say at home with them. Ages 17, 15, 14, 12, 8, 5, and 3. They came from an abusive relationship so their is some problems from that. I have come some way with the 17, 15, 14, 5, and 3. The 8 year old boy has decided recently to tell his grandmother, uncle, uncles gf, and uncles gfs mom, that I do not feed the boy. I should also mention that the boy has gained so much weight since I've moved in that his clothes do not fit. The boy will make himself food, then get mad if I dont cook him more. Come on man. Like seriously. Well it came to a head last night with his mom and in the heat of the argument I made a comment along the lines of, oh yes I starve the kids that's why he has gotten so fat. Now I should also say that i love to eat and all of the children have gained some weight including their birth mom. My sugar gliders are a lil chubby. I was just mad. I feel bad. I'm not sure if he heard me say it. I just know I slipped up. I guess I should mention the 8 and 12 year old are very verbally abusive, rude, they cuss me out, now birth mom doesnt spank. And doesnt really hold to any rules. I say I'm not gonna clean up after them but I end up catching the shit over it. I just dont know what to do.
SO
Are there any repercussions from their abusive actions and words? Does your SO back you up at all?
If you are to take on that responsibility, you must also have AUTHORITY.
Authority to exert punishments and time outs and withhold electronics.
Thats what needs to happen.
Otherwise you cannot be successful in staying with them. This will continue.
Maybe
With the three younger ones I have authority to enforce time outs, remove electronics.
The 12 year old no. That is sometime I let her mom handle. My SO backs me up when they are acting out. She just told the 12 year old that she needed to stop picking fights with me and to stop being so abusive. She lost her phone for a night, but she literally badges her mother and inflicts more damage when she is punished. I'm not sure what to do . The 12 year old will cuss my SO out as well. She doesnt discriminate.
This is just the beginning.
This is just the beginning. It usually doesn’t improve a whole lot, sometimes gets a lot worse.
You don’t say how long you have been together.
There is one thing for sure though, this level of sacrifice that is being asked of you ... well it certainly is convenient for the other person. It’s a huge ‘red flag’.
If it becomes obvious you are being taken for a ride in 3 to 6 months, please consider leaving.
I can’t speak for UpgradeWife
I can’t speak for UpgradeWife, but I think she is saying that because of many factors. You stated, “Ages 17, 15, 14, 12, 8, 5, and 3. They came from an abusive relationship so there are some problems from that.” Where is the BM in all of this? Does your DH have full custody? Are these children all DH’s and from one BM or multiple baby mommas, adoption involved, etc.?
It sounds like you are taking on a mother-like role for seven kids, is that correct? So, like someone mentioned above, you have all of this responsibility for these kids but little to no authority. Technically and legally these children’s bio-parents are to be responsible for them, and they also have the authority to do so. You have none of that, other than the responsibility, so is your plan to give up your life for these kids or ___? And if so, what do you expect in return, because given that this is a website for Stepparents to Vent, the vast majority of us here are here because we gave and gave and gave and got pretty much nada in return. That wears on you after a while, and for most of us it is 1 to 2 SKs and not 7.
Most of us also have difficulties with DH’s ex- or BM, in the sense that she still tries to rule the roost not only with her children, but with her ex- as well. Many SMs find themselves in the position where they have all of this responsibility, little authority, and in addition are expected to kowtow to BM. The end result is that SMs not only feel overwhelmed and alone and unappreciated, but also wind up feeling old, worn out, used, like they are in a sloppy seconds-type relationship with their own DH or SO, and feel like the family’s servant or be.atch.
For just 1-2 SKs, any SM needs a strong DH, who knows how to control his kids and how to set boundaries with them and with his ex- as well. For just 1-2 SKs, any SM needs a man who sees her as his #1 SO or wife, and a man who gives it his all and appreciates all she does. Otherwise, manipulative, controlling BM and weaker, enabling DH = step hell.
Now, you have 7 you are speaking of, and since your topic was titled 7 vs. 1, I’m guessing you are already feeling the odd one out and feeling overwhelmed. If you are determined to make this work, I’d suggest you keep both of your eyes wide-opened and make triply sure your DH is being dad in all of this vs. just being a couch potato who expects the “little woman” to handle it all and make it nice for everyone.
All kids, no matter what has gone on in the past, expect their dad to be dad and their mom to be mom. Most don’t do well with a substitute mother (unless adopted), and with BM around, out and about, as in SM situations, it doesn’t take much for BM to go out of her way to poison-the-well against SM or even their own dad. So, if you’re dealing with an a$$ of a BM or more than one BM, the odds are she’ll (or one of ‘em) will make sure that her children hate your guts no matter what, and the odds are pretty high she’ll succeed. Just the way it is. Take this all into consideration and more, and best of luck to you on what you decide. Just don’t let anyone (incl. your own SO or DH) suck up your soul, because that happens just way too often with too many a SM.
....
None of the dads are involved. The youngest threes dad is currently fighting for custody again my SO. Their BM has custody of the older 4. She is looking like she will get custody of the younger 3.
DW and I have been together almost 2 years. She is working full time. Usually 8-4. When she comes home she takes control, and will help finish laundry or dishes and fields the kids.
The younger three I have authority and can punish her older 4 normally behave besides the 12 year old and my DW handles the 12 year old but she will get worse.
My DW makes me feel appreciated the kids make me feel like I dont do enough but I'm not sure what they want from me.
I got verbal about feeling like their maid and I wanted and expected the older kids to help and be productive. Clean up after there animals or get rid of them. I dont mind their laundry or cooking for them. Do the dishes for me. Sweep the floor. Like shit it's for their mom not me. Leaving isn't an option I love their mother very much and when she is home she speaks up for me. They just don't care and still do it. Idk.
I dont want to leave.
These kids dont respect you
These kids dont respect you and never will because they've learned long ago that mom's boyfriend/husband/girlfriend doesn't last. And since none of the others are around, you are the target. Does mom badmouth the dads in front of them?
Have any of them seen a therapist for the "abuse" and "abandomnent" or are these words just thrown around to excuse shitty behavior? Can you respect someone who claims her children were abused yet refuses to get them help?
I see from your bio you are
I see from your bio you are 28 and in a lesbian relationship. Idk if that changes the dynamic or not, but how many bio-dads are you dealing with? How stable is your SO? Are any of the kids your bios? If not, after having 7 kids with a man (or men) are you, you know, sure she can be all-in with you?
Look, i'm older, have kids of my own, and dealt with 4 kids and 2 BMs. The drama was all-consuming. If you stay home and sacrifice yourself for this woman and her 7 kids, you are taking a huge risk. Even if you get married, you likely won't qualify for much if any kind of support even if you devote the next 15 years to raising these kids because you aren't a BM. You have to think about yourself and your future. If you were my daughter (who is also a lesbian), no way would i recommend you be a stay-at-home stepparent. It's all of the risk and none of the reward, and no security.
Quality
That is some quality advice. In regards to me and my SO yes I think she can be all in. She was raised super religious and told her family when she was 16 that she was lesbian and her parents told her that wasnt happening and that they would have nothing to do with her. So she did what she had to do. Met me and decided she wanted to be happy and not conform to what her parents wanted it was rocky they hated me to start with. Now they say they have a whole new daughter.
No only one BD wants anything to do with the kids and that's for money. I have a job offer in Iowa. I'm an electrical engineer. I want them to come with me. I dont mind doing it for a bit. She knows this isn't permanent. I just needed to get this shit out and hear what other people had to say without getting dogged out cause I'm not perfect.
So, really you are just
So, really you are just saying that you are "temporarily" staying at home with them. It did not sound that way from your initial post.
You say your SO, "Did what she had to do." I'm not sure what that included, but it must've included having relationships with multiple men and having multiple children from at least two different baby-daddies. I agree that she will probably wind up with custody of all of her children, even with 7. Evidentally, too, these baby-daddies abused these children and possibly your SO, since you did mention in your original post that all children had abuse in their past. It is true that all of these baby-daddies were abusive? If so, then why was she drawn to these abusive men.
So, you are her "knight in shining armour," so to speak. Those are big shoes to fill, and step-wise, you are very early into this relationship. Again, you did use the term "7 vs. 1" in your original post, so that feeling had to come from somewhere. You love your SO as all of us have here and many of us still do love our SO. Again, I'd advise you not to keep tight blinders over your eyes. Your SO may have had to do what she had to do. But, that can also be interpreted as being manipulative. These men, the baby-daddies, certainly don't sound like they'd win Father of the Year, but she did choose to have relationships with these men and have children with them, and I'm sure the term "I love you" was used by any and all, back and forth.
I'm glad you have a career. I
I'm glad you have a career. I would definitely recommend getting a job in your field so you don't lose your skills. Plus the longer you are unemployed, the harder it is to get hired from the experience of others i know. Your DW's situation sounds like a hot mess. It may work out and it may not, but if you can take care of yourself you will be ok no matter what. I would be hesitant to set the tone that you are the default housekeeper and child-minder. Thise patterns can be hard to break.
I'm going to be honest here -
I'm going to be honest here - I'm always suspicious when a woman has THREE supposedly "abusive" exes who want nothing to do with the kids. It raises a red flag for me that SHE is the actual high conflict and abusive person who has pushed the childrens' fathers out of their lives. I know at this point she is "great to you", but that can change, and quickly. At the very very least, she made poor decisions to have so many kids with so many low-character men (if the first scenario isn't true), so it tells you something about her decision-making and her own emotional health.
I truly can't imagine expecting a partner to step in and become parent to my SEVEN kids, nor can I imagine being the person who did that. What was she doing before you? Why do you have to be the one who stays home with them? This all just seems like a recipe for disaster. I'd rethink if this is what you want to do with your life - no partner would be worth it for me.
And please encourage her not to shove the father of the youngest out of their lives because he allegedly "just wants money". Kids need their fathers, too.
This all day long. This woman
This all day long. This woman knew she was a lesbian way before she decided to have all these kids with multiple men. What the? She absolutely did not do "what she had to do." It sounds like she's mastered the game of being the victim.
Yes, I'm sure emotions were high and conflict was thick whenever her beard fell off and these men discovered they were lied to and manipulated because she never actually was attracted to them, and therefore never planned to be with these baby daddies long term. I'm sure abusive things were said when the truth was revealed.
I understand it's not ideal to be gay in a family of super religious folks. But this hot mess was entirely uneccessary. I would be questioning this woman's judgement on EVERYTHING because it's evident she seriously lacks it.
7 stepkids?
Why would you sign on for that - it's a zoo. In most cases it isn't this simple but in this case - RUN.