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Wish I COULD Go Back 22 Years

AVR1962's picture

Submitted by AVR1962 on Thu, 12/29/2011 - 3:12am

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Adult Stepchildren

Having the insight I have now, I wish I could go back in time 22 years and do life over again. My life with my stepsons, their very selfish hate-filled mother and the lack of good honest mature support from my husband has not only torn my family apart but has nearly destroyed me. I wish I would have never felt the compassion I did for this kids. I gave and I gave and I gave. I treated my stepson like my own and was there to protect them every step of the way only to be repeatedly treated like dirt.

The boys are raised and gone now, won't have anything to do with us because they feel we did them wrong. I can sit here and blame my husband and blame my inlaws and blame the kids. I can take on what I did that didn't benefit the relationships as I was not prefect either but all being said and done, the damage exists and it isn't going to go away.

I want nothing more to wipe these horrible events from my memory for good but I have no clue how to do that. Distance has helped. Sometimes I think the only way to wipe away all the past is to divorce my husband and then I neve have to deal with the inlaws an the stepson again but I don't know if that is a good solution either.

Anyone here have any success getting rid of the anger and hurt? Do you still blame your husbanbd and have hard feelings for him? Everytime I have tried to move fwd with forgivensss I get burned. I will ahve no more contact with SSs or inlaws but how do I move on with husband with so many hard feelings? He and I are not living for us anymore and haven't for years, so much has come between us.

Anybody else in this situation?

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Thu, 12/29/2011 - 11:21am

For over 20 years I went through hell with SD, although she was so nasty to DH's family most of them don't have anything to do with her. Everything came to ahead a year ago when she yelled and screamed at me while DH ran out the door. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I found this site, found support from freinds and relatives rather than being silent, and went to counseling by myself to see if divorce was the answer. Believe me - I was ready for divorce! But disengaging totally from SD and nor allowing her in my home was the answer. I have regained some respect for DH but have told him that for her to enter our home again he will have to tell her in my presence that she is to respect me as his wife. This is the only way I will regain total respect for DH. DH has not asked her back but I have a feeling the day will come. He may think eventually I will wear down, she will be on good behavior for a few months then back to the same nasty crap. It will be one cold day in hell!

bedazzled's picture

Submitted by bedazzled on Thu, 12/29/2011 - 9:32pm

If I knew 7 years ago what I know now. I would not do it all again. I think alot of us thought that when the skids became adults that it would all be ok. It doesn't work out that way. I am starting to really resent dh because I can finally see that it wouldn't be like this if he had just had the balls to tell skids that their behavior was not ok. I too have deceided to disengage. I don't know how that will effect the marriage.

AVR1962's picture

Submitted by AVR1962 on Fri, 12/30/2011 - 2:51am

Does this sound familiar to any of you?

*You feel lonely and get more emotional, reaching out to him

*He watches you becoming upset and thus feels the need to control himself by getting even more “calm and logical”,

*It makes you more anxious to break the wall around him and be really understood,so you get excited and cry or shout;

*Then he gets more and more scared of your emotional display and retreats into stony silence;

*Now you feel utterly rejected and left out. NOW, we have a permanent emotional disconnection.

It is more common that people, and really men, decide that it takes too much time and energy to make the effort to sort their own emotions and solve conflicts in a cooperative way. The prevailing male attitude is denial of conflict and refusal to understand the other side… For men, retreating into silence and denying the existence of the inevitable marital conflicts is the easy way out; it is fast, and "solves the problem" without confrontation (at least for now) and saves their emotional energy.

When your loved one is swallowing his feelings, denying that there is a conflict to be resolved and locking you out, the result is a lot of unresolved emotions and frustration festering inside.

With communication broken between both of you, he is withdrawing from sharing daily life more and more.

This comes from passive-aggressive behavior and it represents my husband perfectly.