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Has anyone been able to work past the anger?

AVR1962's picture

Submitted by AVR1962 on Tue, 02/15/2011 - 5:09am

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Adult Stepchildren

I have disconnected from my stepsons as well as my inlaws. My husband hassled me for a long time to be a part but I just kept telling him that I did not want to be. However, I am still dealing with an awful lot of anger towards SSs, inlaws and how the whole step family mess played out with my husband wiping his kids' butts everytime they had a tantrum.

I am just wondering what you have been able to do to work past the hard feelings?

Dory's picture

Submitted by Dory on Tue, 02/15/2011 - 7:14am

This is a very valid question. I also have adult skids and have been with DH for nearly 2 decades. But, sadly, I still harbour a lot of anger and resentment, I must say, mainly at DH's role in the whole situation. I really don't have any advice as I haven't learned to let go of it entirely. However, we are no longer living in the "thick" of step-life as the skids are grown, so that has helped a lot. But it's all the old stuff that sometimes comes back to haunt me.

Asher10's picture

Submitted by Asher10 on Tue, 02/15/2011 - 7:17am

At some point it will just click inside of you that it's time to let it go and live in the present.For some people that doesn't happen for a long time.for others it happens quickly.I think it all depends on the person.Forgiveness has always been a marked trait of most women.You just have to make up your mind that forgiveness is something you hold inside of you.In with the good and out with the bad Wink

starfish's picture

Submitted by starfish on Tue, 02/15/2011 - 8:23am

not me, but i'm still trying (8+ years). until my mil gets a life and quits shoving skids down my throat and guilting the hell out of dh, i don't know that i will be able to drop the anger. and i'm not so big on that "forgiveness" thing, something i need to work on.

catsfanksu's picture

Submitted by catsfanksu on Tue, 02/15/2011 - 9:36am

I have SD's who are hateful toward my DH, myself and my biokids for all the things they think we should have given them and done for them and supposedly didn't. I used to feel a great deal of anger and resentment toward my DH's ex but now that the SD's are adults, find myself very angry and resentful at them. At this point I have ceased to communicate with them completely and am working very hard to use my energy on people who appreciate it, including my DH. I read something very powerful the other day that I have been repeating over and over. I don't know who said it but...."In relationships, the people who have the most power are those who care the least."

SJH

On my planet, everyone loves me and listens to what I say!

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Tue, 02/15/2011 - 10:36am

I am still trying to work past the anger after the last incidence with SD36 just before Christmas. The anger seems to come in 'waves' - sometimes stronger, sometimes not so strong, and then not at all. I have informed DH that she is no longer allowed in the house until I get a personal apology and an assurance there will be no more immature, obnoxiuos behavior. SD is too narcissistic to do this so I know it won't happen. But my anger at HD for actally shoving me away during the confrontation makes me wonder where his heart really is. He has been on his best behavior since but I still feel disgust at times. As time goes on, I know the anger and disgust will fade. I am seeing a therapist to get me through it.

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Tue, 02/15/2011 - 10:51am

I have been dealing with this for 12 years. My SD is now 14 - been with her since she was 2. I had A LOT - I mean A LOT of anger as well. There were times when I couldn't even be in the same room as her/them (mother-in-law) I would just feel myself become angry and a complete b*. I would just leave and isolate myself.

I have 3 bios and now SD fulltime for nearly 6/7 months-ish....

I spent the first 3 months or so basically crying because I hated it so much. I hated going home, I hated doing anything. My kids started to notice that I was different. DH and I argued EVERYTIME we were in the same room (as she smiled)
I was such a wimp (not saying anyone else is) I didn't stick up for myself - I basically felt that I would be picked second over her.

And then it happend.............I woke up. I just had HAD IT.

I ended up telling DH that I - along with his other three children were going to leave him ;I spilled it - everything; every little thing I hated about being there. I mean - why not; what the HELL was I going to loose - NOTHING.

I think he may have been a bit shocked - but he took and it and even noticed several things. I even got her grandmother to "notice" what had been done wrong.

I then wrote SD a letter - simply telling her that I had enough of it and I could see right through it all. I had tried to be nice but she took it as I was going to be her doorstep; and that ride was over!!

It has been a couple of weeks (in my world this is forever) so far so good; Daddy sees a lot of what his darling princess does now and she knows I am on to her.

I had to do something before I became a bad mother to MY children.

I lost a lot of years................

AVR1962's picture

Submitted by AVR1962 on Tue, 02/15/2011 - 11:52am

Do I ever understand what you are saying. My stepsons have been out of the hosue for 8 & 12 years (2 boys) and I still have so many hard feelings not only for them but for my husband allowing the things he did. We no longer fight about it as I simply disconnected. I have read all kinds of books that say that we are entitled to disengage and to take your life on for what you desire, etc. But it's like all that underlying garbage is there and still eroding not only me but my marriage.

AVR1962's picture

Submitted by AVR1962 on Thu, 02/17/2011 - 2:25am

SourGirl27, my exact feelings towards the sitaution. My husband allowed so much even after we had talked and agreed what to do with siatutions....he would not follow thru with what he had agreed to. So not only were they messing up (all kids do) but things were not properly addressed, the boys went without consequences for some very wrongful actions. They learned from bio mom and my husband that they did not have to listen to me and that sure does not bring on and respect. i do not think the bio parents even considered the boys having respect for me as important but I was the one spending all the time with them, I was the main parent.

I went to my first counseling session yesterday in attempt for me to move past this as I have not ben able to do this on my own. 45 minutes into the session the lady tells me that she knows we have barely skimmed the surface, can't beleive what I have endured, sees that I have been under alot of stress for a great deal of time, and tells me that it is a mazing that I am still here today. She told me she didn't know how I survived.

donna123's picture

Submitted by donna123 on Tue, 02/15/2011 - 12:29pm

I find it has been much like PTSD. I still return to the anger, but with much less frequency now. I jokingly refer to my anger as an old hostile friend because it was my constant companion for so long and that much continuous anger digs deep crevices in the mind.

I keep expecting vindication from those people who have no ability to give it. As someone so eloquently said, there are those who have no ability for self-reflection. I believe these adults remain oblivious to the massive swath of destruction they have left in our marriages and in that way absolve themselves of feelings of remorse.

In answer to your question, still working on it. Doing things that I love, following my own interests and letting go of my need for vindication helps a great deal. Forgiving my DH is the largest barrier for me to overcome. I look forward to the day when I don’t ever think about it again and yes that day is coming.

AVR1962's picture

Submitted by AVR1962 on Thu, 02/17/2011 - 2:27am

Good for you LostInTheMadness!!!!

Mominator's picture

Submitted by Mominator on Tue, 02/15/2011 - 2:16pm

I am completely disengaged from my adult SD brats. DH can try to have a relationship all he wants, but I make it clear, I don't want to hear about it, period. I don't want name-drops, I don't want discussions about them or anything about them. Removing them from your life is what you have to do and make sure your partner respects that. He goes to a men's group, and/or talks to our Therapist if he needs to bounce things off someone, because I refuse to be a party to it. I've gotten so good about it over the last 6 months, I don't even think about the bitches anymore. And that has been a real blessing on my stress level. DH knows I never want to have a relationship with his self-centered entitled brats. He can see them all he wants, but I am done. I have a family who loves and respects me. I don't need them.

You do, however need to "forgive" them, otherwise, you hold on to the "debt" they somehow owe you (that you'll never get anyway), and you end up getting caught up in being miserable and consumed with revenge. Forgiving will help you let go and live. And you deserve to live without a-holes in your life.

sandye21's picture

Submitted by sandye21 on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 1:03pm

Ya. I agree wwith you. But the main one I have to forgive is myself for allowing this kind of crap to go on for so long. DH knows I will not allow her around me anymore - period. And that includes getting within 500 feet of the house. HE helped to create the hostility by allowing it and even blaming me but I was still the one who allowed it. I am going to counseling now to understand why I did not stand up for myself in the first place. I kind of wonder if DHs look for some poor stiff with drooped shoulders and no self-confidence who will take the crap. I am SOOO thankful for this site because you have all helped me to stand up for myself and not back down. (((HUGS)))

Shannon61's picture

Submitted by Shannon61 on Tue, 02/15/2011 - 8:27pm

I'm in the same boat as Sourgirl. Since my SD (27) that's right 27 :sick: still lives with us, when I finally start getting over my anger, she does something petty, mean-spirited or vindictive to put me back in the same place. At this point, it's not as intense as it once was because I'm made a vow to focus more on me and less on her. So I've learned to overlook a lot of things.

I also get angry when she brings her fiance over because I feel they should have their own place because they are adults. I feel our home should belong to me and DH only. I also feel this way when her annoying friends come over. I'm used to living alone and while it's one thing to adjust to a DH, living with a lazy, mean-spirited coddled adult child is another issue entirely.

I might add that I've seen SD pay for everything she's done to me in the form of karma. I can type a list. Once she moves out, I'll forgive her but I'll never forget nor do I ever want to be under the same roof with her again. Fortunately she's the only one in DH's family that I don't get along with.

schambers's picture

Submitted by schambers on Fri, 02/18/2011 - 12:00am

The longer my ss23 lives with us, the more the anger is building. I have tried meditation, leaving the house, even a shrink...none of which has helped. You're not alone. Smile

stepmom1705's picture

Submitted by stepmom1705 on Tue, 02/22/2011 - 9:40am

I love this website! I'm not alone in this world! I'm with all of you in sharing the anger. I struggle sometimes with just wanting to lash out at the ungrateful SKids. Now the oldest (34) has a girlfriend that is as bad as he is! I have to endure her wrath too! NOT. I found this website after a really horrible xmas with the SKids. I took the advice to disengage and have been living it for 2 months. I don't ask how they are doing, have you heard from them...NOTHING. Don't care. Unfortunately, the oldest SS has the "special" grandkids. We have to see them far too often for my liking. DH doesn't give money to the SS but gives it to the grandkids and alot of it. SS doesn't even have a HOME for his 3 kids. He lives in a studio. The kids sleep on the floor on school nites. The mom, well, she is too selfish herself to even WANT the kids.

Yeah, I harbor alot of anger towards the SS. He didn't talk to be for years..actually turned his back on me when I entered a room. Now he is treating his own kids horribly. Amazing, but he expects his kids to 'accept' his girlfriend and be nice to her. The grandkids, 12,7,4. Umm...he couldn't even do that when he was 24! That tells you his mental level! no better than a 4 year old!

Love to let it go, but it stays in my face too much. walk away....don't engage.

Peace62's picture

Submitted by Peace62 on Fri, 02/25/2011 - 5:09pm

Hi Everyone,

I'm happy to be back after many years away from this forum. Smile (I forget my old username...at least I think it's the same IVillage forum?? It looks different.)

I'll share my situation in another post soon (in a nutshell, I'm an evil SM of a SD21, and we are happily married except for the SD part!). But for now, I want to offer my perspective on the anger question. And like most/all of you, I have harbored a LOT of anger over the past 12+ years regarding my SD21 and DH (who is only now starting to really back me up!).

Anger is an emotion that too many of us are afraid to express, because we've been taught that other people don't like it when we express that kind of emotion. Many of us were punished for expressing anger, so all too often, we suppress it.

One source I've been following describes an emotional scale of 20+ different emotions, starting with "depression", then going all the way to "joy" at other end. In between these two emotions are things like anger/rage, revenge, frustration, hope, expectation, desire... and eventually, happiness and joy.

Looking at this emotional scale another way, what does depression equate to? It's the feeling of utter powerlessness and helplessness. (Sound familiar?)

What does joy equate to? It's a feeling of absolute power, and a sense of control over one's life.

We SM's almost always find ourselves sitting smack dab in the powerlessness/anger side of the scale, of course. We're afraid of rocking the boat with our DH's, so we often allow everyone to walk all over us, take advantage of us, disrespect us, and so on. And the risk we face of raising our voices or taking a strong stand is potentially HUGE: losing our *mostly* adored DH, our beloved home, and perhaps even our livelihood (among other things).

So no wonder we feel powerless and angry! We feel trapped and pissed off about it!!

According to this source I mentioned, you cannot leap from depression to joy in one fell swoop. You need to go through all of the interim emotions one by one. The good news is that sometimes you can go through three or four of them in a matter of minutes, just by changing your self-dialogue and thinking patterns. (I know, I know...easier said than done!)

So you might want to try something like this: "I'm so angry right now I could just scream!! [ANGER] ... I'd like to take a frying pan and whack that spineless DH of mine upside the head, and break that SK's neck! [REVENGE - BUT DO NOT ACT ON THIS! JUST THINK IT] ... I am so *#^%#&$@ frustrated with this horrible situation I've gotten myself into! What was I thinking??!! [FRUSTRATION] .....God I hope I can find the strength to stick up for myself sometime soon! I hope I never have to see these twit Skids again!! [HOPE]...I wonder if I could expect some positive changes if I just put my foot down, for once in my life!? [EXPECTATION]"....and so on.

Keep the dialogue going [WITH YOURSELF, not DH/DW!] for maybe 5 minutes, with a few statements on each emotion.

Anyway, that's the idea...

If you try this, you should notice that you feel a sense of relief, even a small amount, each time you get further along the emotional scale and enter a different emotion. That's an indication that it's "working". Smile

Granted, it can take time to change your "baseline" emotional state (i.e., where you spend most of your time in "hope" or "expectation" rather than "depression"). But I promise, it CAN be done if you stick with it. And it's soooooooo worth it!

The point is, it's OKAY to be angry and express it, and it's OKAY to have vengeful thoughts, as long as you don't act on them.

(However, I personally see nothing wrong with taking a little revenge by, say, making your SK's life a little less "comfortable"... like shutting off the hot water in the evening, as someone suggested in another post about an SK taking late showers. I just don't advocate violence.)

In fact, it's HEALTHY to experience and express anger because it gets you unstuck! Otherwise, you'll just bounce back and forth between depression and anger, over and over again!

And according to this source, "climbing the emotional scale" is the only way to get back your power and create joy in your life.

So I think a combination of the above... PLUS putting one's foot down regarding chores, respect, etc... PLUS disengagement... can lead to a more peaceful situation...or at the very least, inner peace.

There is a lot more to this... but I'll get off my soapbox for now. Smile

Hope it helps...

AVR1962's picture

Submitted by AVR1962 on Sat, 02/26/2011 - 2:51am

Peace62....thanks for your post. I do think you are so right here......we do suppress for all the reasons mentioned and that suppression is powerless and brings on depression. I was trying trying trying and fighting all the way to make my voice heard and in the end I wasn't being heard at all. It was like having my hands cuffed behind my back and thrown in a lake and expected to swim my way out.....I was barely keeping my head above water. This was during the worst parts.

I like how you detailed anger and showed how to think thru the revenge productively, and I very much get the frustration and hope, climbing the emotional scale. When I think that thru I actually had been doing all that without even realizing it.

Some of the replies have been that the anger is hard to move past because the sitautions are never ending and I do so understand that. Years of this stuff just adds layer after layer of hurt (damage) and supressing is extrememly damaging for our health. Some have mentioned feeling like we have PTSD. I saw an advertiement the other day for PSTD, about how you feel empty inside and you don't know how to move fwd from the trauma.....that describes me so well.

22 years I have been dealing with issues. I have had a child under my roof for over 30 years. Born in '62 when all the women's liberation stuff was going on but still have some very old fashion thoughts on family values. I did surround my whole world in family. I wanted more for my kids, I wanted to be close to them, I wanted the family who got together on weekends and got to enjoy the grandkids, etc. So it seemed everything I was working towards was continually crumbling right before my eyes.

The last 3 months have been especially rough. The family I was born into got all weirded out, my Gpa was dying and that brought so many issues in the family to the front-line, I'm still shaking my head. He passed in Jan. One of my adult daughters and grandchild was satying with us for 2 months. She kept hinting to me how I should be doing this and that with my life, like she knows all best for me at the age of 25. I was still working, wasn't getting help with the house and cooking.....just stress on top of stress.

During this 3 months I read a very good book that I want to suggest. "Your Erroneous Zones" by Dr. Dyer really opened my eyes to how I had been a slave to my family. I was doing everything for everyone else, feeling obligated and when things didn't work I didn't know how to make them change. I was suppressing which later turned into eruptions. The death of my granfather and the garbage with family I was born into finally put me over the top.

I drew my boundary lines with my stepsons years ago and then with pressure from husband and one of my bio daughters I let that boundary down only to get it shoved right back in my face. Bio daughter's "parental" advise (ha) in my head, I finally started counseling. I could not handle it anymore. My life was empty, I was not enjoying life anymore, I was simply going thru the motions.

Ladies, I wish there were a way I could go back and redo the past 22 years but I cannot. I am learning how to move fwd. Part of that for me is placing some boundaries and that includes not involving myself in my adult children's lives. They are all old enough to take care of their own sitautions. I have taken a big step back with the family I was born into, just do not need the garbage anymore. I am disengaging which goes against what I wanted and what I felt was right of me but I am seeing it is the only way for me to move past all that has happened.

When we're teens it's all about us and our focus is on what we want for our own lives, and well, that's what I have to do right now......focus on me and what I want for my life without thoughts of my adult children.

A work in the process!

Peace62's picture

Submitted by Peace62 on Sat, 02/26/2011 - 5:21pm

AVR,

Glad to help, and it's great that you're already doing this. Smile

I think the key to whether we are "heard" or not is really, how much do the ones we're talking to care about the relationship? (That is, provided they are rational people and not in complete denial of what is really going on!)

We only have leverage when we're dealing with someone who sincerely cares about us, at least as much as they do about their own children.

I have also learned to try to "speak my truth as soon as I know it", as often as possible. Even if it's something my DH doesn't want to hear, I find that getting things off my chest offers IMMEDIATE relief, and prevents much of the anger from festering inside of me. It brings me peace of mind, even if DH is left to digest it in his own discomfort.

That said, when I mention things that are bugging me right away, my delivery is usually calm, not angry... more reflective, I think. That's because the issue hasn't gotten big enough yet for me to get to the rage stage. (Not that I always take care of things right away, mind you!!! I'm not perfect!!)

Letting anger boil inside for years on end leads to exactly what you said: illness, and I would even go so far as potentially cancer in the abdomen region. (Everyone I've known who had stomach cancer had serious issues with suppressed anger...just as everyone I know who's had heart problems has had "heart" (love) issues... interesting how that seems to work!)

It seems like you could be angry at yourself for allowing this to go on for so many years. Perhaps some self-forgiveness is in order too? Smile

You and I were born the same year... and, we also had seriously weird stuff going on with my grandfather before he died recently too... his sick behavior throughout his entire life towards all of the females in our family caused enormous problems, even for my brothers ... hmmm.

Yep, disengaging seems like the right course of action, especially in a no-win situation.

And thanks for the book rec - I do enjoy Dr. Wayne Dyer's books and insights very much.

Please, take care of yourself first!!

Peace

AVR1962's picture

Submitted by AVR1962 on Sun, 02/27/2011 - 1:03am

Peace62.....I think you tapped on something very important again when you said, "I think the key to whether we are "heard" or not is really, how much do the ones we're talking to care about the relationship? We only have leverage when we're dealing with someone who sincerely cares about us, at least as much as they do about their own children." It is really true, thank you!

Shannon61's picture

Submitted by Shannon61 on Fri, 02/25/2011 - 10:44pm

Hi Peace62, I was the one whose SD (27) enjoys taking showers at midnight .. . I love your post and am not only encouraged by it, but will try it. It's good to know that it's ok to envision pushing SD down the basement stairs, turning off the lights, and locking the door . . as long as don't act on it. Or better yet, ordering 200 big black water bugs and putting them under the cover in her bed. Now I don't feel so guilty.

Peace62's picture

Submitted by Peace62 on Sat, 02/26/2011 - 5:27pm

"200 big black water bugs"??! }:) Now we're talking!!

Come to think of it, isn't "water bug" another name for those humungous cockroaches in places like Florida?? Eww!

Nope, no reason to feel guilty for one's thoughts. God knows the horrible skids have no guilt over how they treat us. So why should we, when all we're doing is thinking about it, not doing it?

BTW, my friend has a DD who smoked and my friend hated it. So she hatched up a plan to scoop up all the butts and ashes, and stick them under the covers in DD's bed. And that was her biological daughter! Smile

Not sure if she ever got the nerve up to actually do it, but we sure laughed about it (even tho' I'm a smoker too).

leogirl819's picture

Submitted by leogirl819 on Sun, 02/27/2011 - 2:26am

well, I only do what I "have" to for my SS11...like feed him...I stop worrying or caring about anything else...I started to learn to focus on me, DH and my kids. Because afterall, when the children are grown and gone, you will have your DH all to yourself so try to make the best of it

GOODLUCK